Amazing revelation!!!

[DesertFlower]

I just had the most AMAZING revelation yesterday.


It came after another period of weird apathetic depression and distance from my husband as I tried to sort out my fears and urges. It came very suddenly, in the middle of writing a letter to DH explaining my wackiness, and I was gobsmacked at the simplicity of it.

It might sound stupid, and I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure it out, but really, if you look below the surface of what seems obvious, and understand it for what it really means, it's incredibly profound and helpful.

It is this:

I am allowed to do whatever I want to do, and HE is allowed to do whatever he wants to do.

That's it! Sounds little silly, I know, but bear with me for a moment.

I had been resenting the fact that we watch so much TV. I would much rather have no TV, but DH likes to watch it at every meal and usually I end up watching it too because he would be hurt if I refused to eat with him. But ladies and gentlemen, I don't HAVE to do that! I can refuse to watch TV, and I don't have to feel bad for it, and he is perfectly allowed to feel hurt - and it isn't my fault!

I've been wanting to cut my hair, but DH doesn't want me to. Well, I don't need to resent that, because I am perfectly free to shave my head right now if I want, and he is perfectly free to go through a mourning ritual and singe off every hair on his body, which is what he threatens to do. I don't care, it would actually be kind of interesting. I won't shave my head though, but it's not because he says so. It's because I love him, and I know he likes it.

Love, not fear! I have been acting out of fear - fear of disappointing him, fear of his anger, fear of his reaction. Well, stuff his disappointment and anger and reactions. I can do what I want, and I don't have to feel bad for any of it! I shall act because I love him, and not because I fear what he will do. I shall act out of love for MYSELF too, and everyone wins. Except I will probably be a pain in the ass until he adjusts, haha.

But, on the other side... he is allowed to be vulgar, and he is allowed to swear, and he is allowed to smoke and to want to go to the pub and play pool. SO, I shant resent any of that. He can do what he wants! But I'm also free to NOT go with him to the pub, and to not care if he sulks about it. I'll go sometimes when I feel up to it, because I love him and want him to have fun. And I won't kiss him when he smells like smoke, and if he pouts about it and gets offended, well, he is allowed to.

And I could ramble forever about this, because I'm a rambling kind of gal, but I'll hush now, and hope somebody gets something out of that little phrase because I know it sure turned my head around in the blink of an eye. I feel so... empowered! And peaceful, because I'm not worrying about his 'faults' anymore.

Good times ahead, my friend. Good times.

[Rinelle]

Yay Desertflower. It is an amazing revelation isn't it? I'm sure your marriage will see benifits from it too.

[rebjm]

Sounds like good advice. I think I might let it marinate for a while and see if there is any room between the bitterness, guilt and resentment for some logic.

Thanks for sharing XX

[hanabi]

Ah! I love it! If you only knew how *I* came to live by your philosophy DF! Empowering indeed!

[~twiddlebug~]

I like this thread


cheers, DesertFlower

[mumma+me]

Oh I like that!

That is definately going into the basket for sooner-rather-than-later processing!

Thank you xx

[Joey]

Wonderfull. I can so relate. Similar realisation happened here a few months back. After the storm that first happened, well I've never been happier.

[Chameleon]

I have to keep reminding myself of that, not so much with DH but with other ppl, I can't control how they feel and react, only what I feel and how I react. It really is freeing when you realise that!

[mummabare]

I went through a bit of series of these lol. One of the major ones was if I find a person I cant please, there is no point in wasting time trying to do so. Thanking my MIL for that lovely lesson Could have wasted years on that one like my own mother, but thank goodness my eyes opened oneday and I went hey, you know what, I cant change people, I cant make people happy...they have to do that. So I may as well get on with my life. Much happier for it

Hope you will be too
xxx

[froggie]

Very empowering indeed! Good luck with it all.

xxx Amanda