Preparation for Motherhood

[DesertFlower]

I believe that I am going to have a baby with my husband, even though he's considered to be pretty much sterile. I will have the 'miracle child'.

I believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen, and I will wait for it with patience and positivity.

I believe our child will change people's lives.

I believe that I will not fall pregnant until we are ready to be the parents that we need to be, to be able to give our child the guidance he needs to become what he needs to become.

I believe that, after I have focused on my spiritual and emotional evolution to the point that I will be the mother I need to be, and that when Mark and I are a strong cohesive force - then, and only then will I be able to meet my baby.

I believe that my period of "feeling pregnant" earlier this year was meant purely to bring my mind back to thoughts of a child, and to what I need to change before I meet mine.

Please wish me luck on my journey to become the woman I need to before I become a mother.

If anyone wants to share their personal stories of self development they went through before or after having a baby, to become a better mother, a stronger person - please share.

Love to all....

[lotus]

This is really long I think I've told bits of this story on this forum before. It's the first time I've ever really sat down and wrote out the whole story like this though and it's been a good experience for me, so thank you. Most of my story is not about how I changed my life to prepare for motherhood, but how life changed me but sometimes that's the way it happens.

My DH's Dr told him when he was a teenager that he'd probably never be able to have children. I knew this when we got together but when we got engaged I told him we'd have kids.
We talked about how it wasn't possible and then he let me go, dreaming my dream about how we would have a miricle baby.

I said I wanted to stop using contraception as soon as we got married so that we give our miracle baby every chance and who knows, maybe in 10 years or so we might get to meet it.

I wandered around for the first month of our marriage obsessed with babies. Everywhere I looked, there was a baby, I thought about them all the time. I did pregnancy tests and they were neg and I had a bleed so I knew I wasn't pregnant but I felt so strongly that I was. I beat myself up about wanting to believe it so badly and driving both DH and I crazy when I knew it wasn't possible.

So turned out it was implantaion bleeding.

I got really sick at work with huge abdominal pains and nausea. I went straight to the dr who did a test just to double check and told me I was pregnant. I was so shocked, but so happy. I said something was probably going wrong with the pregnancy and prepare for the worst.

I picked my DH up from work and told him. I wasn't sure how he'd react because for years he'd emotionally built up that he didn't want kids because it was easier to not want them if he couldn't have them anyway. He was really excited and it was such a relief. We were together in joy for this baby.

We went straight to the hosp and then did a blood test and told us our baby was 6 or 7 weeks old. That night we became changed people. We became parents as we gave this new little life room to exsist in our hearts and our heads and our relationship.

After a few days of blood tests and a scan the drs said it looked like our baby might be fine. It was overwhelming how quickly life changed for us and how differently the world looked now that we were parents. We talked about it all the time, we told everyone. We planned and dreamed because this chaged everything, all the ideas we'd had about our marrige and our lives. We were only 21 and 22 and we'd had all sorts of other things planned. We wanted to make room for this baby right from the beginning though so we even broke the lease on our tiny flat and moved. We wanted to open our lives up wide to this tiny baby. I felt like he was a boy and we named him.

Two weeks after we found out about our little miracle, I had a sudden emergency opperation to remove our tiny baby from my tube.

It was heartbreaking. We were parents and we couldn't go back, but where to go from here? It was our miricle baby and we'd lost it. It really rocked us. Our baby had made us parents but now we were parents without a child and had to decide if we wanted to go back to the way life was, like it had never happened, or invite a child into our lives and hope that we could be so lucky again.

Dh got tested and turns out a few things had changed since the dr had spoken to him in his teens and we could call that baby any time we liked. We spent 6 months crying over our lost baby, confused and wondering what kind of parents we wanted to be or if we wanted to be parents now at all, and how we were prepared to change our lives. It was a really hard 6 months (it the middle of which I was told that I had cancer and then cleared, but that's a whole different story). It was like our lives had been shaken up and we were waiting to see how everything would settle. We spent a lot of time analysing ourselves and growing as people and in our relationship. We read a lot of self help books, and did a lot of arguing, had councelling. I did a detox with the naturopath to clear out my body and my emotions (and the cancer ). So much happened to us and we grew so much we finally felt like we wanted to grab life and each other in both hands and not waste any more time in having a family and valuing every second we have together.

On my DH's birthday we concieved our DD.

I feel like our first little baby came to give us a practice run and make us think and grow so we would be united and ready to be parents to the beautiful miracle children we would be given. I think meeting our little boy breifly made us stronger, better people and makes us really aware of what we have with our beautiful daughters, we had such a journey to get our hearts ready for them.

[spiralgirl]

thank you for this space to share. thank you for your stories. hugs to you on your journey.

In my heart I have been a mother since i was very young. I didnt grow up surrounded by babies, but I just wanted to be a mother. At 15 i told my mum that all I wanted to be in life was a great mum. My boyfriend at the time would have freaked to hear that, and indeed my mum made sure I didnt mean "right now".

When I started to fall in love with my husband I made it very clear I was a woman that intended to be a mother, and fortunately he also wanted children. I struggled with the fact that he didnt want to try for a baby until we were married ( that took 3 years, so the wait was hard) but in a partnership there is always compromise.

When we were married, we immediately started to try for a baby. For some reason I had a "feeling" we might have trouble. Every month the excited feeling of TTC waned when i would start to bleed. Every month was excruciatingly sad. When 12 months was up I started to seek help. Gp's wouldnt listen 'you are still young" they would say. It took me several different medical centres before I found a woman GP that would listen.I was referred to a specialist and we unwent many tests.

My relationship with my husband went through so much. We often were drawn together by our pain, we were often pushed apart.

The tests we had revealed nothing. Nothing medically wrong. We decided we needed to allow this child into our lives, so we changed drastically. We ate healthy all the time, we stopped consuming caffiene and alcohol. I filled our room with fertility symbols, burnt incense and candles to make a sacred space, and when we made love we would speak to the child we longed for and ask it come into our lives. When the bleeding would start my heart would break all over again.

I was strongly opposed to IVF. I wanted a naturally concieved child. When our fertility dr had tried everything else, we were left with a decision. We decided to stop trying and to look at adoption. The grief was intense. We cried so much for the child we had waited for. I felt as though someone had died....the grief was that intense.

We were accepted into the adoption program and over several months we were assessed and then we began the necessary education sessions. In an intensive weekend of workshops we both decided that we desperatly still wanted a child that was a bit of each of us....and at this stage adoption wasnt for us...we needed that last shot at it. I agreed that I needed to try IVF.


In all this heartache, the pressure was too much and I found myself drift from my husband. I didnt cheat, but my heart went elsewhere. Our lives fell apart. We went to couselling that saved our marriage and helped us remember why we fell in love.

We took the time to love again. We went backpacking together and had a ball on our big adventure.

My brothers both announced their partners were pregnant. Our hearts filled with joy for them, but pain as well....We watched their bellies grow and we welcomed their tiny bubs, and in all of this we learnt about how we would be parents....it was a wonderful time of learning and discovery.


Then we started IVF. All our friends and family were thinking of us, praying for us, sending messages into the universe....all that positive energy was almost physical it felt so strong. i have never felf so loved. We were brought together so closely during the IVF process and we were lucky to fall pregnant first time! The pregnancy was tough to say the least, but it brought my husband and i even closer ( while pregnant I would often reflect in amazement that we had ever been close to splitting)

My daughters entry into the world was beautiful and my time with her has been magical.

I look back now and see it all happened the way it had to. Even the hard times were a lesson that i needed to be ready for her. It was so hard to wait to meet her ( 6 years since we first started ttc) but now I know it was all a test, all part of our big picture, and honestly i wouldnt change a thing.

Often its hard to have faith that your life is on a path that will get you were you want to be, but she has taught me so much already, and she still has so much to teach me.

peace to you all xx

[lotus]

Originally Posted by lotus

I said something was probably going wrong with the pregnancy and prepare for the worst.

typo, I meant Dr said, not I said.


Thanks for sharing Tanhe and thanks for starting this thread desertflower, i think it's a good one.

I'm really looking forward to reading the stories that come out of this thread.

[MindfulMama]

What a beautiful thread

I feel blessed we didn't have the difficulties some of you have mentioned. I made a few physical changes (like quit smoking, eat better etc) and then as soon as we were married we started trying, and conceived much sooner than we expected.

My journey to that point was a little less easy. I had convinced myself that I never wanted to get married or have children. I considered myself unlovable and incapable of loving. I needed to let go of past abuses inflicted by both others and myself. I meditated on who I was, good and not-so-good. I accepted that I deserved my husbands love. I opened my heart to the possibility of sharing, of being hurt, of loving unconditionally. With this, I let DS into our life and he came to join us.

How lucky am I

[Clover]

Wishing you luck with your TTC DesertFlower.

I have also felt that all I want in life is to be a mother. I just adore children so much that I want to be around them all the time. So I became a teacher.

While I am apart from my DF for now, I believe that we may have trouble concieving. I had a burst appendix as an 11yo and it went a bit septic through my abdominal cavity. This was before I started menses. When I started menses I have been very irregular and have painful cysts. Some women this has happened to I have been told have trouble concieving.

All I want is a growing belly. I can't have it yet. In the day when I have nothing to do I think to myself "I could be teaching my child to walk, or talk or just play with them. It feels like I am wasting time not being a mother.

I want 3 or 4 children, but will only be able to afford 2 at the most. My Df already has 3 children from a previous marriage so I feel that 2 is a 'sensible' number but not what I would want. A compromise I guess.

Being part of this forum helps to fill the gap that not having a child gives me. I can read and learn and prepare myself for my time.

[DesertFlower]

Thanks for your stories, everyone. It was wonderful to read everyone's different experiences.

My main problem... the thing I really need to change before I become a mother.. is my fear. I have social anxiety, and I can get really terrified, to the point of a panic attack, if I have to interact with people in ways that I find difficult. This includes, say, calling an ambulance of my baby needs it. What if I couldn't do it? Hubby says, "For your child, you would do it." But I don't know. I think it's possible that I might not... that I would freak out, and hide, and something very terrible would happen. That would kill me.

I need to be strong enough to be able to protect my child. I need to be brave enough to give them what they need, and to stand up for them, and love them without fear.

I just don't know, exactly, how to go about doing that. I know only that I NEED to.

[DesertFlower]

I think I might start a journal in the journal section here for my "motherhood prep course". I have a blog elsewhere, but I like to keep that all highbrow and spiritual and really have it about my evolutionary progress as a human.

I need somewhere where I can say, "Today I was nervous as all get out but went to the library anyway and made a huge effort to talk to the librarian, and I'm so proud of me!"

And things like that, you know, that might seem silly and insignificant to most people. I really think though, that they will be stepping stones to a geater confidence in myself and will build the foundations I need to be a kickass Mama. Um, I mean... gently-guided-bottom Mama.

[jellybean]

Hi Desertflower, this is a beautiful thread.

My husband and I decided to start a family two years ago and after 8 months conceived. It was quite a surprise at the time but I was very excited about it. My husband is the type of person who will get excited at the very last minute, but his excitement was gathering momentum by six weeks when we told our families. At eight weeks we miscarried. We have since had a further two miscarriages. Initially I told myself I was ok with it, it was what everyone seemed to expect. But after the second one I became very angry, I felt absolute rage everyday and I would explode indiscriminately. Being surrounded by children at work exacerbated things as well as my reluctance/inability to discuss how I felt with anyone including my husband. I soon realised that I wasn't ok (it took me quite a while) and I began seeing a counsellor, who enabled me to communicate better with my husband, my family and friends. I told them what had happened and the love and support that was there for me was incredible. I started to see an energy healer, who has shown me how to vent my anger in a healthy way, and taught me to meditate and most importantly, relax. I have seen a gynaecologist who has found no reason for our miscarriages but has reassured me we are doing all the right things. We both stopped smoking, improved our diets and I take supplements. I also see a naturopath who has guided me in my weight management.

There are still days when I indulge in "why me" thoughts where I let myself cry and I share my grief. But I now remind myself that as difficult as this has been, parenting is going to throw bigger challenges at us. We are a much better team now, we communicate better, we are kinder to each other because we understand what is going on in each others hearts. Obviously we don't know what the future holds, but even without children I feel truly blessed once again, to have such wonderful people in my life.

Hmmm, that all sounds a bit trite, its not all roses in our house, my husband lapses back into smoking occasionally which kickstarts my rage again, and my diet suffers occasionally due to my chronic addiction to rockyroad, but we are learning and growing. They ARE stepping stones to being good parents.

Love and luck to all of us in our journeys.

[DesertFlower]

It occurred to me yesterday that even though I've felt so strongly that I need to prepare for a baby before I will be blessed by one - that the final transformation into who I need to be as a mother won't take place until I really AM a mother. This is why I feel so strongly that I need to have an empowering birth. I need to be where I feel safe and comfortable, or I will miss out on something that I know could be... amazingly profound.

I now feel that, although I need to work on my fears and push my way ever upwards and forwards spiritually and emotionally - that the process won't be made complete until I actually hold my baby - and that's okay.