Needing Help with a difficult situation

[Theresa]

Very few people know that my mother and I don't speak. She is a very critical, judgemental, narrow minded person, and has been this way my entire life - even as children we were subjected to her constant criticism.

When I was 12, her & dad separated then later divorced. At that point I had nothing to do with Dad and didn't until I was around 19-20 and no longer even living in the same town as my mother. For as long as I can remember I have always been stressed and anxious whenever she was around - I was never comfortable with her at all.

Over the years I have been to quite a bit of counselling etc to try and come to terms with it, but had never really gotten anywhere. I had sent letters to mum explaining how I felt and things would improve for a little while, then deteriorate again.

Finally, last year I snapped. I was 27 wks pg with Georgie and had just been released from hospital as I had started contracting and I was ordered strict rest - do nothing that could possibly set of contractions (which was just about anything at that stage) and take meds to keep the contractions at bay. A week or so after I was discharged, we were having a conversation and as usual, she compared my situation with her pregnancy with my 1/2sister when she had BH and was told to rest if that happend. I tried to explain to her it was different, but she just kept saying no its not.

Anyway, I was so stressed by the end of the phone call I was contracting a lot. That was pretty much my wake up call that something had to change immediately - I was risking my precious daughters life over her comments. So I wrote this huge 3 page letter and emailed it to her telling her that I simply couldn't deal with her at the moment was not having anything to do with her for some time. I simply couldn't put myself under the stress I felt when we had any communications. I also talked about the fact that she was always so negative and seeming to need our sympathy constantly. I emailed it to her and within a couple of hours she had written back saying that was fine, she hated talking to me too and got just as stressed as I did.

Around this time I started back on antidepressants (I have had depression most of my adult life and been on and off meds a few times) and started seeing a psychiatrist - the first one who I felt actually got me!

So, just over a year has passed and I am the most calm I have ever been, I am so much happier and so much more at peace. And since starting to read Buddhism for Mothers I feel like I have so much more clarity in my life.

So, I ran into mum at officeworks the other day and felt nothing - she was obviously emotional, but she was just an acquaintance really to me. We had a very brief conversation and continued on. I haven't been the slightest bit upset by what happened at all, and it hasn't played on my mind the way these interactions once would have.

BUT, there are quite a few family functions coming up that I am pretty sure we are both going to be at - 21st for my brother & her parents 50th wedding anniversary.

I am feeling the need to tell her that I hold no animosity towards her. That the root of my problems was my attachment to having the mother-daughter relationship I dreamed of, but was simply not possible with her and is highly unlikely to ever be possible. That I am perfectly ok with running into her at events etc and not be concerned about what is going to happen, that although I am at peace with this now I still do not want to go involving her in my life again.

I just am not sure how to go about it, or if its even necessary. I am now being treated as the black sheep of the extended family because I am rocking the boat, but it simply doesn't bother me anymore. I just want her to know the truth about how I am feeling and then leave it in the past once and for all.

I have such a wonderful support network out there with my Dad & step-mum (a HUGE issue for mothers whole side of the family), and my friends and my online support groups and my longing for a mum has completely gone.

So, any tips? I want her to know the truth - that I am comfortable with my decisions and its was my attachment to an unattainable dream that caused me so much heartache, but at the same time i don't want her to feel like she has "won" (its not the right word but I can't think of the one I want!), and I guess most of all I want her to know that I still do believe everything I said to her and that I really think she has some areas to work on as well.

I feel so petty because I don't want her to continue making other peoples lives as miserable as she made mine (and I can tell you right now my half-sister is way less resiliant than I am and I am extremely worried about her - at 7 she had major stress/emotional issues), and I want her to address these things. But I do know that that is her decision to make and is something I have no power over. To be honest I think its the wanting her to realise how much her actions/words hurt others and to do something about it that is the only problem for me now - I honestly don't care if she thinks I'm the one who had the issues in our relationship and she was not at fault at all because it means nothing to me what she thinks about me, but its everyone else I want to help IYKWIM

I'm so sorry this has ended up so long, and I really do appreciate any tips at all.

Thanks so much

[hanabi]

I would like to write sooooo much but I need to sleep first. Initially, I'd like to recommend you read Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille. People may recommend other books but I did find that PFAPW put a lot of my issues with my own mother into a useful place for me, helped me see that it wasn't her fault that she is the way she is, helped me forgive her for all the angst and frustration that still continues and makes me grateful for what she gave to me as a mother and parent because I turned out OK afterall and gained a lot of my life's lessons from her.

You still do sound like you're angry at her - even if the intensity of that anger has dissipated with time it's still there.

[kermi]

I totally agree with Jodie's post...

I found the same with my own mother. I figure if she hadn't been like she was - I wouldn't be the person I am today in the place I am now. And I really like who and where I am.

(((hugs))) Theresa - it's quite a journey.

[mammadyl]

Theresa hugs, I know pretty much exactly where you are coming from.

I would think, that if you feel at 'peace' (well, as much as at peace as you can!) then perhaps there is no need to enter into a dialogue with her about it.
Is she really likely to listen?
Do you honestly think she will accept what you have to say and really leave it be?
Are you ready for the possibility that she might listen to you and then want to be more of a part of your life (and hence your childs perhaps)?

They would be thinks I would really think about before talking with her. Sometimes I think that by doing what we think is the 'right' or polite thing to do actually opens up more things for us to have to deal with.

If you feel you have everything in a good space for yourself, and you can 'interact' with her 'safely' then perhaps that is all you need do for now. By safely I mean without any major upset or stir up of the past for yourself!

That is not to say that at some point in the future you might feel more ready to open that box with her, perhaps now is not the time?

Just my thoughts....

hugs to you

[Theresa]

Thank you all so very much - I really appreciate the outside view on this.

Jodie - I read you post quickly before I went to bed last night and after spending a lot of time investigating how I'm feeling, I think you are right - I AM still holding some anger towards her - but not for anything she has done to me - like you and Carmen have said - I am the person I am today because of her and I know that some of the things I like most about me are because of her - the hurt that went along with that is all water under the bridge for me.

I think what I am most angry about is that she isn't taking any responsibility for anything - she has already said that she believes I am the one who needs to sort out my problems - not her. I guess I was hoping that by now she might have realised that perhaps there were things she could improve on and make life for my brothers & 1/2 sister so much easier. (I am EXTREMELY close to my youngest 2 brothers and very protective of them so hate to see the way they have been upset by her lately).

So, I am going to try and work on this anger now - you know if I hadn't posted here I probably would have taken a lot longer to work that out!

Bek - your post also made me really think about if its worth communicating with her at this point in time, and coupled with me now wanting to work on the rest of my anger I think that now is not the right time for that.

I think I have forgiven mum for everything that has happened between us and do appreciate her mothering the way she did even if I don't agree with it, but I haven't yet forgiven her for upsetting my brothers and not working on herself at all. I'm a Leo so I think that blinding loyalty might be a bit of a problem for me.

So, looks like a bit more work for me to do!

Oh and Jodie - I will check out that book - tomorrow is our library day so I'll see if its there.

[thew]

hugs to you, i just wanted to say that your comment about not wanting her to feel like she had won really surprised me 'cause from reading your post it sounds to me like YOU have won, you are dealing with your non-r'ship, you are over it, you are not emotional about it any longer, at peace and calm now. you have found a reason for your previous emotions and yet she is still stressy about it all. it sounds to me like you are in the process of evolving way beyond what your mother is capable of.

maybe i have it completely wrong??

[mummabare]

Theresa,

I could write you a huge post but I wont because its a public forum lol! My DH had huge issues very similar to yours, with his mother and father, more so his mother. He has done alot of hard yards to heal emotionally from the hurt and manipulation that kind of power play has on a child and the lack of his emotional needs being met as a child.

We have learnt, through much heartache, that the best for our family is to keep our contact reduced and to a minimum.

We have to do family events every now and then, we always remain polite and civil, there are certain issues we learn to avoid, we simply dont enter into conversation around matters that will upset either side of families. And we have a standard response to ciritism of our decisions " we have discussed it as a married couple, we have come to a decision and you will have to respect that".

In regards to your mother, well its hard isnt it, you would like to think that some people would learn some sort of lessons from their mistakes....but I guess the purpose of some peoples lives must be to give us as an example of how not to live ours?

I dont know....I just know that with MIL I have come to the conclusion that she still has many lives to live in order to achieve peace and happiness.

Much love to you
xxx

[Theresa]

Thanks Thew & Kristi

Thew - you are right in that I have definitely "won" when it comes to the battle of my emotions and reactions(which believe me is a HUGE thing for me), but I guess its the her taking responsibility thing that I feel like I haven't "won" IYKWIM - I guess I was hoping she would learn from this.

Kristi - I think your MIL and my mum sound very similar in that they have more lives to live and it brings me much comfort to know that others do need to maintain that distance from the people that I always thought should be the ones most involved in your life.

I've just had my step-mum here for morning tea and spending time with her really reinforces how much happiness there is in the world for me. She is such a lovely wise woman and so supportive of me and everything I do (except the controlled crying thing - its the only thing we disagree on LOL!)

[mummabare]

Yup there is a HUGE difference between disagreeing on something and being dogmatic.

I disagree with my own mum on alot of things, but at the end of the day she is supportive.

I think it was Janet or Kathy that told me once that it was not worth wasting alot of energy on toxic relationships...and I think that can be true....you can never change a person they have to change themselves. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people, IRL and here too, and then you will be one step closer to having that simple and happy life

[Nyree]

Well, it's all been said by others here, so I won't go into any great essay, but being happy with yourself & your life now is the best outcome (revenge is the wrong word) possible.

The fact that you are close to your younger siblings means that you at least have the chance to model reasonable behaviours & self-esteem to counter what your mum dishes out.

I've just started reading "Parenting For A Peaceful World" myself & can thoroughly recommend it. I'm about to read Ch 9 which discusses how you were parented. My issues were with my Dad & although I understand logically how his own upbringing shaped him, I used to get so frustrated when he said "I'm the way I am & I'm not changing". He has mellowed slightly with age & we get along OK now, but I do understand the desire for the other person to take some responsibility.

So much for "no essay" lol