How do you forgive?

[MooMa]

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? My brother killed himself 10 years ago and I still don't feel any sort of closure/peace. I'm pissed off that his niece will never know him and that I'm still wasting my energy on this.

I'm pretty sure that all this negative energy/attitude that I am carrying is affecting other parts of my life but I don't know how to change it.

If there's anyone out there that's found acceptence/peace, how did you do it? How do you forgive someone when you can't talk/scream at them. I think my problem might be that I want him to say he's sorry.

[~*Nile*~]

Hugs to you Leah. No one in our family has committed suicide, but I know a couple of families whom had mothers and fathers that killed themselves. They too, feel they can't get any closure because their loved one is gone.

All that I can tell you is that your brother is no longer in pain and this is why he did what he did. I think most people do this because their problems seem so deep there's no way of pulling themselves out. I certainly don't think it was to directly hurt your family.

I really feel for you and find words to make it better for you hard to come by. Really there's nothing I can say to make it better other than to tell you I don't think your brother would want you to be suffering like this.

[Eilleen]

Firstly, can i just say that when I read your words, they are so full of pain as well as anger and I am sorry you are feeling like that.

I find that I get very very angry towards others when I do not want to acknowledge and face their suffering. I know I do not want to face their suffering for many reasons. The most common reason is that their suffering are a reflection of my own hidden wounds. The next most common reason is that facing their suffering also scares me in that I think it may rip apart wounds I believe to be healed.

I know that to let go and forgive, I would need to let go of my own fears and worse, I may even need to face my own hidden wounds. This, I believe, takes a lot of courage. And I also believe that I do not have the courage to do it alone. I would need the support (emotional and practical) of many people - some of whom may be professionals (eg counsellors) and some of whom are my close family and friends . Asking for that support is, in itself a daunting task.

Anyway, I don't know if I have helped in anyway, but I just thought I'd share a bit of my own journey towards forgiveness.

I wish you courage.

[Hailstorm]

Not really sure if I can help you as I'm dealing with something similar, although not to suicide I lost my father abot 10 years ago and still feel like I have so many questions to ask him.
lately I have been given quite a few signs that he is wanting to reach out to me but I don't have the resources to contact him. Not sure if you believe in the after life but maybe contacting a clairvoyant to see if contact with him is possible might be an option?
I really don't know how to go about getting closure esp when you can't speak to the person like you said but I do hope that you are able to find a way to deal with the issues you have with him.
A friend of DF recently killed himself and he has so many questions as to why he did what he did, the person who killed himllef was a public figure so there are so many conflicitng stories as to 'what really happened'.
Maybe meditation is an option for you?
Sorry I know I'm rambling here and didn't mean to hijack the thread.
Angelsmum and I were just talking about a similar topic a few minutes ago so that's why my post is so long the convo is still fresh in my mind.
ok going to end it here by saying, be gentle with yourslelf and take some time to search your soul for the answers you seek
much love and peace to you

[hanabi]

Have had two significant people in my life commit suicide. I know the pain you feel and all the unanswered questions that circulate over and over. I recommend you get in touch with your local suicide prevention and support group, meet other people bereaved by suicide and talk, talk, talk about it with people who share your experience.

Here is the link to my sensis search on suicide bereavement. Only a few are online - most are telephone or in-person services but I hope you find something here that leads you to a service that suits your needs.

http://sensis.com.au/search.do?partn...rt&profile=all

Losing a sibling to suicide would be the hardest of all I think. It almost happened here to but my brother sought help in the nick of time. I still grieve for my uncle and my childhood friend and it has now been almost 20 years.

[MooMa]

Thanks Jodie, for the search. I found a book called "Do they have bad days in heaven?". It's for sibblings left behind from suicide. I had to order it from the US, so I don't know how long it will take to arrive. I also found a couple of numbers to ring to see if I can get some counselling. I had a couple of brief and unhelpful sessions when it had just happened. I don't think I was ready for it yet.

Kylie, I saw a clairvoyant about 5 years ago but I didn't find it helpful. I do believe there are ?gifted? people out there but I think they are far and few betweeen. I think he may have been trying to reach out to me a long time ago, but I think I told him to F.O.

Thanks for your kind words and support everyone. It's helpful to know there are other people dealing with similiar issues. This sort of thing still isn't talked about much.

[pj'smum]

Something I would do would be to visit his grave site or a special place and have a chat with him. Tell him how his passing has affected you and just how angry and hurt you are...I really hope you find some peace, and hope that he has too.

Catherine

[Winnie1]

I feel for you. We lost a very significant close friend to suicide a couple of years ago, hence our current travel.

He has well and truly been forgiven by both of us. One way I managed to do this quite quickly was to tell myself that he was not hurting anymore. The pain he was in was incredibly sad and if he were alive today I have no doubt that it would not be any better (sad to say) for him.

I don't believe that he wanted to die and I don't dare take it personally - he was trying to fight it, just on that particular day he did not win :(

I don't believe we could have prevented it, so we can not beat ourselves up about it.

We have learnt many many things from him and life has changed a lot for us - we are very thankful

Your brother did not set out to hurt you.

Hope you find some peace soon.

[Poppysmama]

While not having lost anyone to suicide - or even death! other than very old age - I do have a lot of people in my life, past and present, that I need to forgive.

There are also loads of things for which I need to forgive myself!

During meditation, I focus on the people involved and tell them I forgive them. Over and over again. Not for the "specific" thing(s), just that I forgive them.

After a while, I mean it.

You don't have to be specific. But you have to want to really forgive. Then open yourself up and say it. It won't be "true" the first few (thousand) times, but eventually you'll realise that forgiveness has been achieved.

Sometimes we confuse the need to know what with the need to forgive. You'll never know the true reasons behind your brother's suicide. You don't have to in order to forgive him.

Good luck and may you be filled with love, light and forgiveness.

[angelskies]

I personally find it very hard to forgive. My mother killed herself, as did my fathers mother, I still feel very angry with both of them that they aren't here to meet my son, to help, for me to actually be able to remember them, and the effects the 2 suicides had on my father.

But I found I got a better understanding once I went through depression myself, and grasped that they honestly thought the world and us were better off without them. I find I still get very angry at big moments in my life eg my wedding, finding out i'm pregnant again etc but the intensity of it does calm down.

umm also might mention its 20 years next year that my mum passed and god knows how many for my fathers mum. So don't have an expectation at this long I should be over it, its a cycle sadly people tend to have to rego through the stages of grief, and there is no time limit.

Good luck with it, i hope you find the peace you are searching for.