Helping someone to find focus in life

[DePome]

Can anyone recommend a book perhaps to help my DH find a focus, a goal or just some clarity? He is 31 and he is complaining a lot about his life but seems incapable of speculating on solutions or acting on any of his ideas.

I have just read The Five Love Languages and I am encouraging him to do the same. Interestingly the same two came up for both of us yet we are certain we have different dialects! DH is trying to read some of it now but would rather be outside, and says he can't read when people are around (not been like that in the past..... ) Quality time rated very high for both of us but due to him working away I find that I need QT for myself before I can give to DH and DC due to the stress I am under for four days. Likewise DH works 12 hours shifts and has about 1-2 hours with his Mum between each of them when at work and finds that when he gets home he needs QT for himself before he can really give to the family. But he doesn't seem to know how to give himself QT and is moping instead, and being grumpy, appearing as though he doesn't want to be at home which he strongly denies. I felt that things like Acts of Service would rate higher for him because I think that money is very important to him though he denies it and doesn't talk about it often (he's not interested in gifts, and nor am I). He would like to have $10k in the bank but that is never going to happen. Even when there is money he says there is not and that he can't do anything because he has no money. The problem with this is that a) he doesn't know what he wants to do anyway, or would do if he had the money b) he takes no notice when I say there is no money and takes no interest in the banking and keeping up with what we do have!

I am at a bit of a loss with him. He complains, he doesn't look for solutions, and he doesn't discuss ideas. He isn't a talker either so he's not crying out for quality conversation and sympathy I don't think. He is a stick in the mud which probably keeps him from looking for solutions.

We are talking about big life issues here too, like going back to the UK, or back to SE Qld, changing jobs to spend more time at home, selling a house, investment plans etc.

I am almost as bad, I admit and I think that at 31 and 29yrs we really should have some focus by now! We both know that DH was happier when we lived in the UK but returning could be an expensive mistake and he was on holiday when he lived there previously so there must be an element of the rose tinted glasses. It is hard to be realistic about that possibility.

Any suggestions would be appreciated!

[~Harmony~]

Same problem here almost. He complains about lack of time to himself to do stuff he wants to do, our counsellor kicked us up the bum about this last year and for a while he made sure he got some time on the weekend to do some landscaping...but once that project was finished he just sort of let it slide, now he cops out by saying he uses the time he spends playing with Hannah as 'me time', but still complains about not doing stuff he wants to do...he resents that I won't compromise my 'me time' and ignore the housework and such if I need to...but won't do the same. I'm sick of him being crappy and resentful about everything because he's not taking care of himself, all he does is work, play with the kids and fall asleep in front of the telly, then wonders why he's feeling unfulfilled

Sorry to hijack...

He listened to the counsellor last year, I think I'll go ring her now and make him an appointment...he was supposed to go in a little while after Abby was born, just haven't gotten around to it...thanks for starting this, it's been a good reminder...if I have any success I'll be sure to let you know

Oh, a book I really enjoyed was the 7 Habits of Successful People or something like that (I think I read the Family one?), lots of positive stuff about goal setting, personal development and such, if you can get him to read, that might be worth a look

[liamsmum02]

I don't know either! I feel we are a bit the same. Though there are things I would like to do if we had more money, I'm sure I would still find excuses.

My mum and brother really loved the Steven Covey books - 7 Habits of.... There's a few different ones. Another book that has exercises in it is What Colour is My Parachute - or something like that. This was recommended to me by someone from here I think.

I feel lucky that my DH has a sport he likes and plays regularly - he is much happier when he's playing basketball! If he didn't have that, I'm sure we'd be in the same situation and have been in the past when his teams have broken up and he's been slack about finding a new one!

Good Luck with it!

[hanabi]

The 'What Colour...' recommendation might have come from me Mary. At least, it helped me... sort of. There's a new one published almost every year, it is regularly updated. It's more about finding your career path than any kind of personal fulfillment though.

Another one is an oldie but a goodie, 'The Road Less Travelled" by M Scott Peck (I think). This one is definitely about finding fulfillment in your own journey.

I'd love to read 'Seven Habits' actually. That sort of thing interests me.

Deb, I still hadn't found my rhythm by 30 so you guys don't seem to be such a lost cause. Don't they say 30 is the new 21? You're at the point of reassessing the past ten years since leaving school and gaining independence. The next ten years is the time you really find direction. I wouldn't worry too much. You and Brendan seem to actually be rather 'on course' to me.

[DePome]

Thanks guys. Jodie, I think we're just lucky we found each other Especially since I was holidaying in Cardiff when he was on a working holiday! We know absolutely that we belong together. We just don't know what we're supposed to be doing apart from making babies

Need to have another big talk with him but we stayed up until after 1am last night talking about the Love Languages etc so we're exhausted!

[mama_bel]

The Love Languages book was an eye-opener for me too. Hubby didn't read it.

Covey's books are good. He talks about 'sharpening the saw' - y'know, the right tools will get you through the tougher times. Taking care of your health - mind, body, spirit - is the obvious way to prepare yourself for whatever life throws, but also to make the day-to-day less mundane.

Do you think this mining job isn't the best thing for your family? I remember when G was at the mines, it was really tough for us. He was away for longer and home for shorter periods of time and in the end I was ready to pack and go (theoretically!) It's a hard call for a young family.

Have you seen 'The Secret'? It's a good one for reminding one about focus and positives. And it's only a 1.5 hour DVD so quicker than reading a book or three. There's been a real shift at our place since watching it a few weeks ago.

Good luck with the counsellor, Nikki, sounds like you've found a good one!

[Nyree]

Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman or Self Matters / Life Strategies by Dr Phil McGraw.

Oh, "The Secret" is fabulous!!! A MUST SEE. Even my Dad, who is not a really emotional person, cried a lot at this one. He has NEVER cried at a movie before.

My sister was so much happier living in the UK & has been miserable back in Adelaide for the last few years. She is wanting to get back there ASAP, yet her depression seems to get in the way of taking the steps to get there. It also frustrates her that she is not passionate or excited by anything & feel 'lost' inside. IMO, she needs to find her internal "happy place" before she can truly move forward.

Sometimes, the answer is easier for outsiders to see than the person asking the question. That being said, only your DH will truly know when he's found his groove.

My DH also complains about his lack of "me" time. When I was seeing a psych for PND, she pointed out he drives over an hour each way to work & back which is time he can listen to whatever music he wants and think whatever he likes. I thought this to be a valid point, but he didn't see it that way. It was still "work" to him. He still has the occasional whinge, but has come to the conclusion it is only temporary & the kids will eventually grow up.

Sorry for rambling about my family a bit. No real words of wisdom, just an open ear.

[rebjm]

I'm sure there's a Bach flower remedy that is supposed to help with this.

[bunty]

But he doesn't seem to know how to give himself QT and is moping instead, and being grumpy, appearing as though he doesn't want to be at home which he strongly denies.

DH does this by doing yard work or watching telly. When we were living in different towns for part of the week, he was mostly grumpy and also appeared like he didn't want to come home (which was partly true when it came to the crunch).

My solution would be to move closer to the mine. I am figuring you don't want to do that, but it would solve a few of the issues. The mine is 5 minutes from town. Think of how much more time you would have:

1) as a couple
2) as a family
3) as individuals

If DH were to work up there we would live in the mining town. Being apart doesn't work for us. We only end up resentful and angry. I hate being a solo mother and he hates the messy house he comes home to as a result of me doing it all on my own. But that's us .

Also, do you have a 5 year plan? Where do you want to be in 5 years? How about ten? Our original plan which we started discussing when Ethan was a toddler was to be in Brisbane by the time Ethan starts highschool, possibly a year before then. We talked about what needed to be done to get there - money for schooling, which highschool our children would go to, which area we would need to buy in to make that happen. We are down to 3 years and I am now counting . The financial side of things was done in conjunction with a financial planner, who we have been with now for 6 years. We pay them $50 a month - not cheap - but they make things happen for us, reconsolidate debt, organise loans and investments and do a lot of the leg work.

I hope you find some direction that keeps you satisfied. I am finally starting to feel that it is all falling into place. I like small mining towns for the freedom it affords my children. There are definite drawbacks socially and distance-wise, but we live in these towns to make money as well and set ourselves up for a better life when the children's needs change. We have a nice home life, enjoy gardening and pottering around the house.

[Nyree]

Originally Posted by rebjm

I'm sure there's a Bach flower remedy that is supposed to help with this.

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/38/wildoat.htm

May be useful?