Mourning the loss of dream birth. How to move on?

[rebjm]

I know I am lucky to have had a great pregnancy and that most of my labour went well. I'm also lucky to have a relatively healthy girl (apart from nasty reflux) so why can't I get over losing the experience of giving birth the way I wanted.

Everytime I think I have moved on I read a story of someone who has had a wonderful 3 hour labour, or 8 hour labour even and managed to birth without intervention.

It makes me feel sad, and angry that I put in so much energy to have the birth I wanted and it didn't work out that way. I don't want to feel jealous, ripped off. I want to read these wonderful women's birth stories and be filled with wonderment at the process.

I haven't posted my birth story here as yet because I know we are an anti epidural lot - heck! when DH spoke to me about them I said "no way not this time" and he believed me.

But I also said "I will not have my waters broken". I knew this was when things go bad for me.

But I was scared into it. We had been taught in our yoga class not to be scared into things....but I wasn't expecting it. Especially from a Birth Centre midwife.

After 10 hours of labour and the mw getting me to push while in the bath (and her putting a mirror under water to check) I had hit that "I can't to this any more" point. I thought things must be close, the way the mw was acting it was close.

Then I had my progress checked. I was only 5cm. I was gutted. After not sleeping for 30 hours and not eating for 18 I was completely exhausted. To me "half way there" was suddenly the "the glass is half empty" I felt I still had another 10 hours.

My midwife suggested I would need my waters broken - I was brave and spoke up the way I was taught "what do you hope to achieve from this? and what will happen if I don't have them broken?" Her answer "If you don't have them broken it will take too long and you will need an epidural"

Catch 22 - I knew that having my waters broken last time lead to an epidural - but I didn't want an epidural. So I should have my waters broken..right??

Wrong.

As soon as my waters were broken the pain stepped up faster than my pain threshhold could. I couldn't stand to be in the bath any more but had to because of infection risks. In retrospect I should have asked to go in the shower again.

All I knew was that I couldn't go through another contraction. I said I needed help - I never mention the E word - part of me was hoping there was something else on offer. Unfortunately It was a runaway/ leave me alone/ don't touch me kind of labour so all my doulas knowlege and skills were wasted. Mt only relief had come previously in the form of the running shower and a magic comb (which stopped me banging on things)

The next hour was spent with me begging - for help and for the mw to hurry up. I was so angry.

Eventually I was walked over to the medical maternity area. From my nice homey bc room that I was so pleased and proud to have gotten into - to a hospital room with bright lights, a hard bed and eventually an epidural. (very hard to keep still with contractions almost 2 minutes apart)

The epi wa turned off after about 40 minutes so I could feel all the pressure to push. Everything was rushed - I was being ordered to push but couldn't breat because of the pain. They got the resussitation trolley - all that meant to me at that time was that the pain was going to end at some stage.

I had to push while lying on my back because of the epidural and I can't imagine anything being more painful. Ella's shoulders were a bit stuck so the mw went through a few procedures to turn her around do she could come out. The cord was quickly cut and I was given an injection to expel the placenta quickly due to the traumatic birth. As soon as I left the bc everything was suddenly out of my hands.

After a 12 hour labour Ella was born completely healthy. I was quite blue but ok, and didn't tear much. Ella fed really well.

I want to focus on the positive rather than the couple of bad hours but I can't help but feel "Why me?" I'd done all the right things this time, why didn't it give me that extra two hours? "What did the others do to deserve a natural birth that I didn't?"

I don't think having supply problems and needing to supp for a few weeks and having a reflux baby and only getting 3 hours broken sleep a night helps.

I don't blame the mw I don't really blame myself, I look back and can't see how I could have gone on without that 40 minutes of releif ( Iwas really screaming and climbimg the walls - I was sure somethig had gone wrong for me to be in this much pain I thought I had damaged the hernia I had fixed a few years ago).

I know I sound woe is me and there are women who have gone through much worse but birth and labour are suddenly horrible things to me.

How do I greive and move on?

[Heartwood]

I think hindsight sometimes creates more problems. You did what you thought was necessary at the time. I guess this is what I get a little upset about sometimes here (at NP) when there's so much talk about "you can do it, you can do it", "you can have a perfect birth" etc. etc. I know we shouldn't dwell on the negatives, but we need to be real sometimes. At the end of the day we're not superhuman and we can't control everything. We can only prepare so much, then life takes over.
I think it's important to recognise this before birth, to prepare and come to terms with the "what-ifs" and have positive experiences planned for those "what-ifs". I was told this by my MW early in pregnancy- that we were planning "the best birth for me". If my "best birth" was a c/s, then I wanted to be prepared and I factored that into my birthplan.

As it was, I didn't have a natural 3rd stage. My placenta just didn't want to budge and I could have sat around and waited, but I didn't. I was unhappy and in pain and for the first time I had a slippery baby that had come out of my vagina and I wanted to hold it, which I couldn't because of the pain and nausea. I opted for intervention and although it may be frowned apon by others, it was welcomed by me. I have no regrets.

I hope you can decipher some of that dribble? It kind of just poured out. You can tell I had a terrible first birth can't you

[spiralgirl]

Geez Bec, I wish I had some advice or could be of some help......

I really think its something that needs to be dealt with, and posting here is a great start....you need to debrief badly.....

as someone who is really happy with how their birth went, I can only imagine what its like for you


Tahleya and I send all our love and hope you find a way through this....

xo

[Heartwood]

I just read your post again, and I just wanted to assert that I wasn't suggesting a "just get over-it" kind of attitude, but more of trying to turn your negatives into positives.

I had a terrible, terrible first birth experience and I grieved for a long time, I still do. I think it's something I've just learned to accept- that I will always feel this way. I think it's unrealistic to think you can forget. I still cry when I think about how things could have been, and I attended Birthtalk meetings. Have you been in touch with them?

[kermi]

Oh (((hugs))) Bec.

I do understand on this one.... I'm still working my way through each of my children's birth stories so I can get this one in perspective beforehand...

It does take a while...I'm still dealing with my DS2's birth and it's repercussions on myself, his dad and therefore the other children....but it is getting easier.

Please don't be so hard on yourself...you did the best you could at the time and that is admirable any way I look at it.

[rebjm]

Thanks for your kind words.
Heartwood, It's a bit difficult to go anywhere at the moment (hot weather, public transport, reflux baby), but if I could I wouldnt feel worthy of a birth talk meeting. I think that's half my trouble - i have heard of some terrible experiences women have gone through. and i really don't think I have the right to feel so let down because in comparison things weren't that bad.

I can think of at least one Spring Mama that would love to have swapped birth experiences with me.

I was pretty rigid with how I wanted the birth to go. Epidural just wasn't an option. I really wanted to be all fours/squatting to deliver. I day dream about having another just to get the chance to do it right

[kadownie]

I'm sorry for your experience, and how you're feeling is normal! And you are worthy of a Birthtalk meeting - I'm sure that you would feel welcomed and be free to express how you are feeling and embraced by other Mothers who know the pain/grief of unexpected birth situations.

I went to a seminar put on by Birthtalk late last year- and it was great- we did some work out of 'Birthing from Within'- it's got a lot of good suggestions for how to process...

It takes time. There are also some post natal counsellors around that could help you debrief.

Be gentle with yourself

[Heartwood]

Rebecca I think you should ring Birthtalk just to have a chat if you acn't make it in. Or even email. You cannot compare your birth to another. You have every right to feel upset.

I day dream about having another just to get the chance to do it right

Yeah so did I. But can you imagine how I would have been if I didn't get my VBAC? Or I didn't get to birth on all fours (same as you wished I see). I'm actually scared to have another baby now as I don't think I could cope with another negative experience. No amount of preparation helps.

[kermi]

Originally Posted by Heartwood

No amount of preparation helps.

This is sort of how I feel about it now.....

[mummymoo]

I'm sorry that your birthing experience wasn't what you hoped for.
How would you feel about contacting your midwife to discuss your labour? My BC midwife was very open in making sure I understood why we did everything during and after the birth. I hope you find some peace Rebecca. And yes, being so tired isn't going to help.