Bubble

[mummabare]

23/06/06 Lost Bubble
The goddess gives the goddess takes
Im growing you a garden my love



Currently ttc, processing stuff....my mc at home.



I had suspected I was pregnant for a couple of weeks, secretly happy and hoping, but at the same time panicking that I wasnt going to fit into the bridesmaid dress for my bestfriends upcoming wedding.



I did two pregnancy tests while two weeks late, that came back negative and had a slight bleed which I thought could be my period.



But I still suspected, hoped........knew I was pregnant.




On the 23/06/06 I felt very crampy and started experiencing bright red blood. Part of me wanted to think it was just my period had come late, but inside I started to know. I cramped all morning and went through quite a few sanitary pads. I was loosing alot of blood.



By late morning while in the kitchen with my son I had a massive cramp, enough to make me bend over and gasp. It was really painful and I felt alot of blood escape me. I went to the bathroom while my son continued to play in our bedroom.



I stood in the shower and bled, but I only had two more slight cramps and there was one large clot which contained what I can only describe as a bubble with a mass in it. I knew straight away what it was. I stood horrified while the shower washed the blood from it.

I turned the shower off and stood looking at it...finally I covered it with a flannel confused and pulled a dress on myself.


I went to the doctors with my son in tow, wet hair and told the lady at the front desk that I was miscarrying and needed to see someone now. They took me to a room and by then I my bleeding was about the same as a normal period. My son was an angel but I felt empty in side...I knew what had happened.



The doctor was kind, se did an internal and told me I was miscarrying...I didnt tell her about bubble....I couldnt think what to say.
She told me I should book in to be cleaned up. I declined and told I just wanted to go home, she said as long as I didnt get a fever I should be ok but to come back if there was more pain.



When I got home I looked at the bubble on my shower floor, I picked it up and wrapped it in some tissue paper. I had moved a tree out the front yard and so I dug the hole deeper and burried my bubble. I rang my husband and told him I had been at the doctors and miscarried. But I didnt mention bubble's burial. I can never find words to tell anyone..so Im writing here...bubble is resting in her garden.



I have a little barrel with water and am growing herbs, lemon balm, lavender, boronia, rosemary... sometimes I think of bubble and wonder whether it was a boy or a gir, secretly I think it was a girl. Guess I'll never know for sure. I feel some peace, that I could just let my bubble go without needles, or being sucked out....it was just something that happened.

I bled on and off for a week, no pain, mostly spotting. I painted our picket fence and spent time at home with my son. None of my family know, only my husband and my mum. I didnt want a fuss, I just wanted to be alone.


The doctor said they dont know why these things happen, maybe there as something wrong with the baby, maybe it wasnt a good time ....but I like to think that bubble came to show me that I did want another baby after all, and my body needs another chance to birth the way it should...and the way it needs to.




Bubble rests here :

[Wombat]

That is beautifully written Kristi, you had so much love to give.

Sorry you went through this experience but glad to hear you are healing too.

[mama_bel]

That is so beautiful and sad and strong. Your happiest dreams will come true...

[michelle_j_r]

heartbreaking, Kristi. Sending you love and peace.
Visit us again soon, little bubble.

[Meridith]

Thank you for sharing that with us, Kristi. Oh, and I have a feeling it was a little girl, too.

[~twiddlebug~]

Thank you for sharing, Kristi

[Himawari]

Kristi, I think you got the right message from this sad experience...about being ready give birth to another child! You've given Bubble a beautiful place in your heart and your garden!

[anakia]

Kristi what a beautiful place for your precious baby to rest. Much love Jen.

[Bronwyn]

Poor little Bubble. And a hug for you, too.
Bronwyn

[bunty]

What a beautiful and heartbreaking moment Kristi. Thanks for sharing your precious Bubble with us.