How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

[suzee]

How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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Hi

I'd love to hear what others have done to rediscover themselves after having babies. And what you have done to enjoy the whole experience more. I get the impression there are a lot of people here who are leading really fulfilling lives.

I'm currently on a mission to discover ways to redevelop a sense of identity and get more fulfillment, partly of course so I can give more joy to the children and my partner.

I've sorta come out of a difficult trot for a few years - got accidentally pregnant very early in a relationship, managed to get prenatal and postal depression for both pregnancies, recently had an interstate move that knocked me for six etc etc. But now, the kids are a little older (2 1/2 and nearly 4). I feel like I've moved out of crisis management mode, and with another interstate move and return to part time work coming up, I want to put some energy into finding myself again and finding more joy in life and our family.

So I'd love some ideas on what has worked for you! I'm starting to do a little yoga at home, but am having trouble making the time! I hope to start veggie gardening and keeping chooks eventually, but this could be difficult for a while in rental places. I've started doing a bit of drawing and paper craft with the kids, and that can be fun. Things without the kids aren't much of an option for me for various reasons, so activities either have to involve them or be at home.

I read a lovely thread recently where someone recorded the steps she was taking to re-green her life, I might indulge myself and do the same here as I rediscover the fun.

[Purly]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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I remember that feeling you describe all to well. It is almost like coming out of a haze. I appreciate that haze for all I gained from it, but boy it was challenging at the time.

I personally love my knitting, usually as a solo sport which I find medative or in a social situation with my children, neighbours children or in knitting groups. There are even some charity groups in Brisbane that I have made contact with who welcome children at their meet ups.

I wonder if you could have your garden in pots that can move around with you (if moving locally) or if you could do the cultivating for now and then pass the plants on to a school or other organisation who would appreciate them when you move interstate?

[hanabi]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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I remember how I struggled to continue my pottery hobby after I started having babies and the frustration I invited into my life then. Everything I made was as pinched and angry and rushed and miserly as I was feeling then.

Something that profoundly changed my outlook, yet took no more than 5 or 10 minutes a day was my online gratutitude journal here on NP: http://forums.naturalparenting.com.a...e-journal.html

People here are probably sick to death of me pimping the idea but once I committed to it the gratitude started to come easier and easier and my daily joy with my children grew exponentially. Whether the idea of keeping a journal here, or in a private notebook appeals or not, I urge you to give it a test run. The first few entries are the hardest, then soon your mindset adapts and you start to see everything in a more optimistic, relaxed or positive glow.

I also recommend Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Naphtali, a bit of community involvement with other mothers, such as with ABA or a charity/association that is child-friendly, journalling in any form and yep, a garden. Doesn't matter that you might have to move on. Think of it as your gift to the next tenants in your house, or to your landlord, or to your neighbours, or to the environment/universe in general. Gardens are good karma!

[Susan]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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I also understand the post baby haze and find myself in it right now! But I must say I am slowly emerging bit by bit. I also know when I rush the process I regret it and need to recoil for some more home time. I have found my vege garden to be of great importance to me. Despite being difficult when my baby was very young it was so important for me to have my hands in the earth that I made it happen! If only for ten minutes a day. I too keep a gratitude journal and find this really valuable. I love Sarah Ban Breathnach's book - Simple Abundance - A Datbook of Comfort and Joy. She has written others but I love this one as it has daily readings that are really focused on women and valuing ourselves.

I also love to do something creative. Writing prevades me in the early days as my brain just goes to mush but other creative pursuits like painting are great.

I also really value my regular women's circles as a place to let go and recharge in the company of other women. These give the space to process my own stuff and make space for gratitude and joy in my life.

There are heaps of things you can do suzee and I think the most pertinent is putting your intention out there and being open to what comes. Love to hear how you go.

[lcorteen]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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Hi Suzee

It's so interesting that the previous posts are pretty similar, and mine is going to be too! ... I wonder if this is because of the similarities that bring us to this forum or because the things mentioned are universally grounding and satisfying to the soul? It guess I think it's the latter

I found it got loads easier once my children were about 3 and 4.5, so about where you are now. I also keep a gratitude journal. I'll harp on as well Jodie! They're a potent way to make your glass half full and keep life in perspective (in the overall scheme of things, we live such a priveledged life, and there is always lots to be grateful for, even if we've had a crappy day and the most we can muster for the journal is 'running water and a roof over my head'). I got the idea from Sarah Ban Breathnach's book too! I have started doing this with the girls at bedtime too and they love it (we each say 3 things we're glad about today).

I find my garden is a barometer of my life. If it gets a bit neglected, I know I am neglecting my soul and that life is too hectic. Touching the earth and being outside, eating the lovely food from your own garden, even if it's just herbs, is very special, very gorunding, and keeps me feeling connected to the universe. Growing vegies in a rental is not as expensive as you might think, especially if you save the seeds for next year.

I have been going to yoga once a week for about a year and a half religiously, before that sporadically. DP comes too now which is lovely.

I make things as most of use do, with the kids. Often things for the garden. This holidays we are finishing off some painted sign posts for their favourite magical spots in the garden, which they have special names for.

Doing as many community things as possible helps me feel connected to the people around me too, and I have found this has really helped my sense of identity.

xx

[suzee]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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thanks for the ideas. What exactly is a gratitude journal? I'd really like to hear a bit more about it, it sounds great but I've never come across it before. I've been encouraged in the past to keep a journal to help with depression etc, but I found it tended to lead to an emphasis on all the negative stuff, so I haven't really liked doing it. A gratitude journal sounds way more constructive.

[lcorteen]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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Oooohh!! I'l start

I think Jodie keeps hers here, online. I keep mine next to my bed and write in it last thing before I turn the light off (so that the thoughts are right there, close to my subconscious). I always buy a beautiful plain paper book, generally from recycled paper or from oxfam. It's so lovely leafing through them and reading all the blessings in your life.

I write the date at the top, then 5 things to be grateful for, always followed by Life!

That's it! Sometimes it's hard to find things, sometimes I write down 10. Sometimes I;m slack and don't do it. But I gently remind myself how good it is for me and get back into the habit.

I have now also added some other affirmations below which I write out and sometimes say out loud to DP. I call them my 'new beliefs'. I write down about 5 things there that I would like to be my beliefs but that aren't quite yet. In the past, I felt I was not a good mother, so my 'new belief' was 'I am a wonderful mother'. When I am writing them I can hear a little voice in my head going 'no you're not' but I keep on writing and eventually, that voice goes away. A little bit later, the voice come back, but says 'duh! that's obvious!'. then I take that belief out and replace it with another one I think I would like to have.

Anyway, I highly recommend Sarah Ban Breathnach's book as she has so many lovely ideas for nurturing the soul.

xx

[Susan]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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Yes I agree Louise! It is amazing how such a simple strategy really impacts on how I see my life. And it is so lovely to look back over them.

[meitaimama]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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Another recommendation for Buddhism for Mothers.... it's a wonderful book and also got me interested in Buddhism in general. As a result, I have been focussing much more on living in the moment, rather than feeling I have to 'achieve' things. Right now I am so happy just living with my dds and my DH, even though I'm not really doing anything in terms of my own self-actualisation .

I do something that's similar to a gratitude journal but in a way the opposite... I used to hate cleaning up the mess on and under the high chair at every meal. It really used to get me down. Then I started to think "this is the worst thing i have to do today" every time i did it, and it changed my whole mood. I started thinking about the terrible things others have to face and how lucky I am. It works every time I do it!

[hanabi]

Re: How to enjoy motherhood more and find yourself again???

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Affirmations can be hard to nail. Louise, if you're hearing a voice saying 'No, you're not', then maybe you can find an affirmation that is a little less confronting from your unconscious mind. I wonder if you'd hear a voice of rejection if you affirmed, "Every day, I become a better mother," or "Today I am a better mother than I was yesterday," or break mothering down into its component parts like "I am becoming more patient, wise and loving, every day." How would that work for you?

Suzee, click on the links highlighted in our replies and you'll be taken directly to what we mean by "Gratitude Journal." Sounds like it might be a great place to start!