single parenting support

[strata]

Am interested to share and hear others experiences of sole, or soul parenting! it does seem to consume the soul with little time for else! for me it is a struggle to remain positive and strong, and not sink into the lonely blank space where intimacy, support, nurture is lacking. its not so much being responsible alone for all physical tasks of parenting, as the emotional responsibility, and the lack of a solid ground and solid sense of self that a good relationship binds. instead coming within from an uneasy space of failure and unworthiness(of love and partnership). How do you tackle or tickle this? how do i replace for my children, particularly my son who's father is completely absent, what they miss from not having both parents. I don't mean to sound so woe! of course i love my children and its all so worth it and i do find time for my own creative endeavors, Perhaps its all relative, and each unique journey has its challenges, keen to hear your single parent story

[Maire]

I was a single mum for nearly 4 years, after my daughter's father died in a car accident. I was a total mess the first year, really did not cope and my mother had to do al ot for me. After a while I slowly learned to be happy again, and even to enjoy being single. Towards the end of it I started feeling lonely and I guess wanting a partner... but I really feel like it was a really positive experience for me. I left my job and went back to uni (studying another field)... I became really independent.. I got really healthy & lost weight.

So far as my daughter goes... obviously she had no father at all. She missed her Dad, and still misses him, and it will always be sad that she is missing out on that relationship. But at the end of the day - she is a happy and well-adjusted child. She became very close to my father which probably compensated a bit. I do wonder whether the lack of a having her biological father - she has a step-dad now - will come back to haunt her when she is a teenager and going through the process of working out who she is and all that.

I dont' want to sound harsh - but the problem really isn't not having a Dad around. Kids can manage without a Dad when they have to very well. The problem is if the mother isn't coping.. if there are ongoing conflict issues with the father, if the mother is depressed/ unable to manage, etc. If you have a happy mother who is feeling able to focus on the kid's development and is financially coping, then there's no reason for a child to have problems.

(They will however notice that they aren't like all their friends etc who might have Dad around).

Another problem for you I think is not so much that the Dad isn't around - as the fact that he is kind of rejecting him? Your son may feel rejected and hurt by his father's apparent lack of interest / lack of relationship...

Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is that an absent father isn't *inherently* a problem - it's the consequences like the fact Mum may be not copign with the loss of the relationship, feeling different from other kids, having to deal with ongoing issues to do with separation, etc.

Honestly - in some ways going through that huge loss and then being a single mother was the making of me. I think you have to look at what has happened as a challenge and not an obstacle.. you can find a way to make it work. It is hard doing it on your own but then you can take all the credit and find it very satisfying.

I hope something there helps!

[strata]

ta marie, thanks for sharing, such an unimaginable loss...., yes, plenty there does help, to remember the importance of resolving conflict issues, such as i'm experiencing with daughters father, and definitely importance of focusing on being happy, so the energy for my children is there., unfortunately for my son thats been a long learning curve for me and life for him has been quite unsettled during times when i've been sad. On the other hand it's been what its been, and as well as having what i lightly call 'single parent syndrome', he's a very smart loved by many people, caring smiley bright kind of kid. true its not what you've got (or haven't) but what you make of it, .. .

[**raifaerie**]

Hi Strata,
funny you should post this today. i was thinking this afternoon as i walked on the beach while my daughter visited her dad that i might suggest a single parents support thread on here
for me, this is a very very new journey.
if still together, my ex and i would have been together for 9 yrs in dec, and in fact separated, just after our 4th wedding anniversary in sept, just gone.
as my signature tells, we have a nearly 2.5 yr old daughter, and our 2nd child is due early dec.

I had no say in the separation. He just decided that was it, he wanted out and there was to be no discussion about it. i have had and still do have, so many fears for my kids, especially for Layla who will be able to remember him being here. its been really hard for her, but she is coping well most of the time. my biggest goal has been to keep things as conflict free as possible, as i truly feel that is the only way that my kids will be ok thru all of this. in my opinion, they need their dad. he isnt violent, or addicted to drugs, or an alcoholic.... hes just a bit of a dickhead with a lot of issues who decided it was easier to walk out on on his wife and nearly 2 kids for a relationship with an 18 yr old who will have a child (not to him) around the same time as me.... geez do i sound bitter??

anyways, thats just a bit of background on me and how i came to be a single mum.
it has been such a strange, whirlwind journey at a time when i feel i really should be able to be being nurtured, and relaxed, and preparing for the arrival of another beautiful little soul into our family. in saying that, i have decided that as i cannot change the situation, i just have to do the best and make the best of what i have got.

ive found since he has been gone, that i feel i have so much more of me to offer Layla. Maybe its because i only have to mother her now, and not him as well ? i have no resentment over the everyday things anymore (he didnt do ... the washing up/put his clothes away/put the bin out/make an effort to connect with me and my belly etc) which is really nice!

i hadnt realised until i was out of the relationship, how unbalanced it was, and what hard work he had become. i dont know how we allowed it to disintegrate to that, and i still dont feel that he did the right thing just walking away - given the choice i would have fought tooth and nail to keep our family together in a happy and healthy way - or at least tried to before giving up on it.

at this early stage of things i just keep telling myself that there are bigger and better things to come. im not sure that i quite believe it yet, and it still all hurts so so so much.
i am trying to really change my focus from the hurt and anger now, to the imminent arrival of 'Bobo' at the moment.

With 5 weeks to go, i really need to try to get myself in the right space for bringing this little bean into the world. i feel like i will be able to be a better mum to him or her when i can hold and kiss and feed and tell them how much i love them. it really hurts that Andrew made no effort to connect to this bubba thru pregnancy. he asked tonight wether the bub kicked at all when i was around him (layla used to go nuts in my belly every time she heard his voice). i had to say 'not particularly, no'. why should i have to lie just to make him feel better? he is going to have to work really hard to establish a good relationship with this baby, and i really just hope that he is up to the task.

For Layla, i fear that as she get older, her questions are going to be around "why did my dad leave me'? and it breaks my heart to think of her trying to work it out and deal with all of that.

in the meantime, the best i can do for my kids is love them with everything ive got, and love me with everything ive got so that i am strong enough to be who and what they need.

blah. enough for tonight, sorry if its all blather, lots of head stuff tonight
thanks for starting this thread tho

[strata]

thankyou raifaerie, how strongly your words resonate with my experiences and up rise the emotions. it'd be great to have hours and a cuppa coffee, or rasberry leaf tea, to blather about such things, it helps the hurt! You sound really strong through it all, i know for me my children brought me so much strength, firstly to leave those negative relationships, the first one violent and abusive, the second tinged with abuse but mostly just non committal, and strength and reason to work on becoming where i want to be. Its past my bed time and the words aren't flowing, but i hope this thread continues!

[tigersmum]

I separated when my oldest son was 3 and my daughter was 6 months old. Of course it was very difficult at the time and over the years as my ex was/is very bitter and dragged me through the courts for years. I had to step up and really be a parent at a time when all I wanted to do was be an ostrich, but I can honestly say nearly 15 years on that it was the making of me. I have an amazing, loving and really tight relationship with both my kids, also it taught me so many things about myself and what I wanted/needed from a relationship that I was completely ready for DP when he walked into my life and I often think after 10 years together how grateful I am for that time by myself.
It is so hard to embrace that alone time when you are in the midst of it. Lonliness and frustration at the constant parenting, being both Mum and Dad can be so draining but, you do get to parent your way, you get to see all the firsts and you are the one they come to so, there are compensations.
Plus you get to eat toast in bed.... even if you have to make and butter it yourself.

[Nyree]

I know from your other posts that you've had family/relationship troubles for many years. Just wondering if there is a male family member or friend who you see as a good role model for DS?

[SleepingBeauty]

Hi There,

Im new here and was searching around the web for some sort of support forum for single mums...Its so dam hard and exhausting and lonely I crave to chat to others who know what your talking about and my bub is only six months old so I feel trapped at home most of the time. It becomes quite isolating.
My ex partner and I only finally split about a month ago, I say finally because it was rocky during the pregnancy and so you can imagine the stress a new bub put on already shaky foundations. That said he still decided to take a hike and leave us when I was just finding my feet with bub and hoping now we could concentrate more on our issues. I am so raw and hurt that he didnt want to give it a go now. See he did to his credit take four months off work to help me with the new baby and thank goodness because she was a nightmare for first three months but because he was off work I had to move to mums as he packed up the rental home and then he came to live with us here for that time which he hated, can you imagine no space of our own, my mum (god bless her) hanging around commenting on everything we did and on top of that him having to drive to Sydney every two weeks to visit the children from his previous marriage. Now he has gone back home and decided he is getting a place for him and other kids and left us here saying no it will not work. I wouldve been happier to see us give it a go in a place of our own with us all together but he has made up his mind. What a mess!!
So now I am here still at mums with the baby, barely coping at times because Im dealing with the grief of the relationship plus having to do it all on my own, (mum helps a little but not hands on ) I havnt even managed to get out of the house for the last 3 days. I dont know what to do or how to move forward at the moment just seems like Im doing it a day at a time and brain cant handle any more than that.
As I can imagine most people dont chose this for themselves, I dont want to be with the baby on my own and raise her on my own and thats the hardest part because tough luck I have to. I just get so so lonely with it all. I dont regret my baby but even I admit I look forward to her bed time at night just for some peace and I hate that feeling because I feel like Im not enjoying her but rather going through the motions which makes me then feel guilty..Ughh. I told Ex how hard Im finding it and his response was...I feel for you!!! Yeh OK Thanks....sorry bitter and twisted still....yes

[**raifaerie**]

Hey Sleeping Beauty, and welcome
im so sorry for your experience, and loss. if you have read the rest of this thread, you will know im in a similar place right now, but waiting for my second bub to be born. i think that for me, i have felt that i have to keep moving for my Layla, to keep going, becasue she is at a stage where she IS going to remember this - and more so, i feel if it is a harder experience than it needs to be. - not sure if that makes sense?

basically, i feel that even though all this has been totally out of my control really, what i can control is how i deal with it, and how i help my daughter deal with it.

have you sussed out any counselling? im am still in the process of sorting this out for myself. i did go and see a private counsellor (referral from Dr makes it covered by medicare) but she was useless and i didnt go back after 1st visit. waiting now to be contacted back by a free service - but their waiting list is about 6 weeks i think (been waiting 2). i believe that centrelink also have social workers available for counselling which is also a free service, as long as you are receiving benefits - just enquire at your local. that is where i will try next if im not satisfied with what im waiting on now.

also, you can contact the family relationship centre hotline for help re sorting out arrangements etc with your ex.

gotta go now, but wil be back in next few days. hope some of that is helpful. will get a bit more into the nitty gritty later and your allowed to feel bitter and twisted... for a while hopefully you can find some help and support so that isnt something you will have to carry all your life. i find it comes in waves. i think im coping ok, and then BOOM i get dunked again. arrrghhh. right im going..... talk laters xxxx

[Tatiana75]

Hi Ladies
I'm not single but so many times have wondered how you do it and wondered how I'd cope if my DH was suddenly not here. Something I've thought about as he was diagnosed with a condition which will need open heart surgery to fix. He'll be fine but I certainly considered his mortality in the process and what that would mean to me. My DH works long hours and whilst he is wonderful and supportive I still feel like it's hard to give so much to another soul. It's beautiful and it's tough being a mama. It's not 'normal' living in a nuclear family and then when it's only you as a single parent I just have to take my hat off to you. If you're struggling or not coping then I feel that that's normal. To be a supermum is a fiction of the modern nuclear family's imagination... and aspiring to it is pressure I, personally, feel I can do without, with or without a superdad by my side.
Best wishes with it all!