DD said 'I hate myself' this morning

[lcorteen]

Hi all

Well.... it just broke my heart to hear my 5yo say such a thing . I didn't really know what to say... so said 'oh, that's not a very nice thing to feel' then waited a bit and asked why... she responded with 'because I'm stupid'... I waited a bit more and said 'I love you sweetie and I think you're wonderful' and gave her a big hug.

I know you can't tell me and only I can know, but I'll ask anyway: Is this a big deal???

In context, we had just said goodbye to a couple of kids who slept over and DD didn't get much sleep. It was their first sleepover and she was absolutely wrecked this morning and had burst into tears several times simply because she was so tired. So... she wasn't rational at all and was completely not herself... but it still worries me. She is a very sensitive child, very smart and thoughtful and takes everything in.

I'm glad she felt OK about saying it to me and didn't just think it and feel it inside... and the reason I semi ignored it was because I didn't want to encourage her to say it, so didn't want to reward to comment with my attention. Just spent the rest of the day trying to give lots of attention and love and cuddles. She is happier now.

I'ts just that I felt very sad as a child... we are quite similar... although I never told my parents because they were dealing with other things - they were quite shocked and I think didn't believe me when I told them the things I used to think and worry about. I would hate for DD to have the same feelings in her childhood.

Any comments welcomed gratefully. What would you do?
xx

[lcorteen]

PS 'Hate' is a new concept to the girls and they are testing out using it at the moment and we are having discussions about whether we hate anyone or anything...

[emd]

You're right, I think only you can know if this is a big deal or not. But if it were my child that said that, I would be worried and wondering the same things.

If it's not a major thing, but more a part of her exploration of the concept of hate, I wonder if there was something that upset her during the sleepover? Could be very minor, maybe just not getting a joke that the other kids clearly understood or whatever. But combined with being very tired, maybe that's all it was?
Or it could be a sign of something deeper - I guess if it were, there should be other clues not just this one incident?

[possum]

No answers here but my DD (almost 5) also "hates" everything and everyone at the moment I am really hoping she is just trying a new way of expressing herself but i must say i dont like it and it worries me as well. I think you did a great job of handling it.

[lcorteen]

Oh, thanks so much for the support. Good to know that 'hate' might be a stage of discovery...

The night of the comment at bedtime I whispered 'I love you... you're very special' and she said 'I know that!' as if I was stating the most obvious thing. She has been her normal happy self today, though there has still been talk about 'hate', so am hoping it is just a new thing to learn about. Am guessing and hoping that what she meant was that she was feeling overwhelmed with tiredness and 'hating' the way she felt and didn't know how else to express it.

Anyway, it's something to watch and be aware of. Don't know if anyone else watched 4 corners on Tuesday night with Fiona Stanley... it was fantastic, but pretty brutal. she really laboured to point about the poor state of children's mental health and the importance of early childhood in building resilience, so it was on my mind a fair bit.

thanks again
xx

[lcorteen]

Thought I might update this incase someone else's child said a similar thing.

DD hasn't said 'I hate myself' again... but has said 'I'm stupid' a couple of times. The last time was after getting upset after asking me to help her chose what to wear. she'd narrowed the tights down to two and said which do you like best? I told her, but it wasn't the answer she wanted so she lost it. I explained that she was free to wear whatever she liked, but that she asked what my favourite was and I'd told her, but I love the other ones too, and she can choose either of them or none, but she needs to get dressed because we're going to a friends... you get the drift.

After lots of whingeing that I wasn't helping she said 'I'm stupid'. I ignored, so she came closer and said it louder, followed by 'and I'm going to keep saying that!'. I asked why? She replied 'because you don't like it!'

So.... I am pretty sure it was for me.... for my attention... so I am reassured she is not suffering mental anguish, just wants some mummy time, which I have and will give (but not in response to 'I;m stupid')

xx

[lcorteen]

Just an update.... again!

DD is going through the most beautiful delightful stage. She still hasn't repeated 'I hate myself' - maybe jsut I'm stupid once or twice... normally when really tired. Oh, I find it so hard not to give attention to things like that, but so glad I haven't as it seems to have resolved.

It really is swings and roundabouts isn;t it? They just go through phases of growth/pushing/frustration/confusion then burst through to relaxed/happy/joyful/blissful/calm don't they? well... mine do anyway... and sometimes when I;m trying to help them through that growth phase I forget that they will come out the other side.

I suppose it is the same for me still = periods of feeling at ease mixed with periods of confusion/frustration/growth.

[Marguerite]

That is wonderful to hear that she is having a confident stage now. How lovely that she has such a safe place with you to be able to express the way she is feeling.