2 year old behaviour

[Winnie1]

I have been putting off posting, as I presumed the behaviour of DS was normal He is 2 - and a few weeks ago he seemed to inherit abnormal amounts of energy and perhaps an attitude to go with it?

I do try and deal with any attitude problems by telling myself that I am most likely the one who needs to adjust my attitude.

Anyway - now I am up for some reassurance and help in dealing with his behaviour.

Bascially he trashes the house everyday - every room. He does not listen (we know he understands) plays with his food a lot at the table, constantly runs on couches, runs away from you onto the road, at the shops, will not respond to STOP!

We don't smack, but we find ourselves yelling a bit, we always carry through on any 'threats' we happen to use - but pretty much we feel that he is in control a lot of the time.

He is a good boy, he has always required a lot of attention and still does - he has many many words and talks well, but when he is not getting his way he just whines, whines whines.

I know he is a 'good' boy but lately I have been feeling that he is one grumpy kid - I never feel like I can do enough for him, nothing pleases etc

Any help, anyone.

[Jasper]

I am dealing with the exact same thing, except my daughter is a bit younger at 21 months. Everything you have just said, I deal with too. She also fights shockingly with her elder sister and tantrums. Trust me, as hard as it is, it is normal and will pass. My eldest went through a tricky stage about the same age also and shes still ultra sensitive to things but has calmed down alot.
Basicly at this stage they are testing boundaries, they are trying to take control of their lives but dont know how to deal with it and their emotions are all over the place. 2 is such a young age and so confusing, exciting, threatening, and hard, and we can actually say those words, so imagine how your child feels not knowing the right words to describe feelings, wants, thoughts and needs. 2 is also an impulsive stage, they literally cannot help themselves, the know its 'wrong', but their impulses are so strong that they cant control it and just HAVE to do it!
Im not sure what to say to make you feel better about it all, but it will pass.

[Dorasmum]

23 months here, everything that Winnie said and everything that Jasper said.. Makes some days very hard and I've also tried to refrain from posting on here about it. Guess it is an age thing. My first didn't reach this sort of behaviour till 3.

I'm typing this accompanied by screaming by my chair because she didn't want to come home from her sister's classroom. Happens about 3 or 4 times a week.. I'm tired, always tired of it. But they will grow up

Em

[Winnie1]

Thanks Jasper

Reading my post doesn;t sound like he has any real problem - but there is much more to his behaviour. I do feel that he is testing us - and have to trust that it will pass, like most other things

Are they too young at this age for time out?

[Winnie1]

Oh Em, know what you mean about the screaming as you are trying to type, as you can see by my post numbers, I give up a lot of the time

[Jasper]

ha ha ha! We get screaming every time Josie doest get what she wants. Fair enough, I feel like it sometimes too....and do!
Yeah, its all a learning curve and it is difficult but the majority of us go through it. It can seem hard to get someone to fully understand behaviour problems as words dont seem to cover the frustration and fear involved, but really, it is all normal behaviour for this age group. Its fun, but it wont last. If it did last beyond a few years (apart from normal outbursts and phases) then Id be concerned, but from what you described, sorry to say...or happy to say, its perfectly normal.
What tends to work for me (and did with both kids) is destraction, riding through a tanty, and time out for mum when it gets too hard. Destraction is good for when its an I WANT tantrum, riding through it is good for I CANT DEAL tanties, like when the child is over it all emotionally and just needs release. My eldest was a wopper tanty thrower, she would (and still does) just get too pent up emotionally and would just release it with a mega on the floor scream fest, she couldnt help it, and she couldnt stop it, and nothing I could do would change that. I would have to stand near her while she was letting loose and occasionally ask if she was ready for a cuddle, she couldnt be touched until she was ready, once she had released her frustration, we would cuddle and go about our business. It was hard, but we survived.

[emd]

Both my girls went through a period of truly awful challenging behaviour as two year olds. Sophia is now 4 and just wonderful. Jools has just turned 3, and is now wonderfully cooperative most of the time but still throws tanties over silly things (like letting someone change her if she has a toilet accident). I expect Billy will hit this developmental stage when he gets to two and a bit.

It kind of makes sense to me that they push my limits of tolerance at this age. They've mastered the basics of physical stuff: walking, talking, eating, toilet awareness (ie they know they've just done one in their nappy). So now they want to be more independent. Plus they have more awareness that they are a separate human being to me, and that they can make decisions, so of course they want to make ALL the decisions affecting their life!

Things that help me get through it (and I still have times when I just bark orders because I'm sick of the whinges or tantrums)...
* Let them have some choices. "Do you want to wear the pink skirt, or the blue dress?" All options must be acceptable to me (no point saying "no" to something you just offered them as a choice), and at least one option must be what I know they really want. This can get tricky - my girls would wear nothing but pink dresses if they could, despite dresses being incompatible with climbing trees etc - but I have learned to accept that it really doesn't matter if their clothes get stained, they'll still love wearing them. Two options are enough - they can get overwhelmed if there are too many things to choose from.

* Make sure they have lots of food and sleep opportunities. A tired, hungry kid is not capable of coping with the little frustrations of life (like having to hold hands in a busy carpark).

* Give lots of praise. A work management course I was on used the idea of giving 5 times as much positive feedback as negative - and I tell you, it works on my kids!

* Declutter. They can't destroy things that aren't in their view.

Gotta go. My lounge room looks like a brothel - clutter everywhere, and the three year old will be home to trample over it soon.

[lcorteen]

Here Here! What Emma said!

DDs are 5 and 3.5 and are now for the most part happy, calm and lovely people, but they still go through phases of less than delightful behaviour. I try to remind myself they are just retesting the boundaries and probably going through some developmental shift that means they are less able to deal with their emotions and be reasonable.

I don;t know what the consensus of NP approaches to discipline is... but we do use time out when we need to. I started with DD! at 15 months when she was gouging the eyes of every child who looked at her the wrong way. She had good language and was able to reason quite well, so it worked for us. She highly values attention, so being out of the action for a few minutes is a big disincentive for her. She rarely goes there now. I never yell - just calmly (and breifly) explain why she's there, ask her to think about it then leave her. When I go back she has had a chance to calm herself and is ready to apologise and get back into things.

To give you some idea of what her behaviour was like, my neighbour called 'Ngala' which is a fantastic clinic in Perth to get advice about how to deal with her (and me). She was pretty bad (we thought she was possessed and I used to stress that she would never have 'normal' social skills'. My neighbour asked me over to 'discuss DD's behaviour' and 'how we can address the problem together'. Makes me laugh now but at the time I was mortified, and pretty annoyed that she felt DD was a 'problem' and that disciplining my child was her responsibility. Of course, her son (who is the same age) eventually went through the same horrible stage and she was able to understand a bit better.

DD2 was later in starting to tantrum, hit and generally be unpleasant (closer to 3). We use time out with her too. It's great that you follow through with what you say. I have found that invaluable.

Both girls are really gentle, thoughtful, lovely girls and people always comment about how calm they are (now!).

'This too will pass', it really will. We have all been through it. \

Actually I just remembered something I read which made it easier to bear as well, which was that when your kids behaviour is horrible for you, it is because they trust you. That's why they are better for nanny, neighbour, MIL etc. - they are not as trusting that those people will love them no matter what.

Big hig to you! It will get better and he is completely normal, and so is your frustation. Be kind to yourself

xx

[smurray]

Hey there,

Yes, yes, I can really relate to all of that.

DD is younger (21 months) but she has lately discovered a really high pitched, whiny squeal, that she seems to utter every time she gets a little frustrated (which this morning was every few minutes: the card not fitting into the box she was trying to put it in, me not letting her pull all of the clothes out of the drawers, having her nappy changed, getting dressed, not getting cows milk for breakfast.... )

Oh well....
I guess I would like to help her distinguish between the feelings (which I think are all normal and ok) and the acting out, which may or may not be ok with me.

I like Jasper's suggestions.
I try not to read too much into her reactions or over-think the issue. I just try to keep my focus on my reactions and what I can live with and what I can't.

[Little bean]

one fingered typing as feeding so will be brief.

ds1 does chuck some massive wobblies that leaves me wanting to stamp my feet and scream too, but...sigh i don't.

i think it depends on the child whether time out will work. if ds1 is completely out of control i will sit him on a bed, chair, the kitchen floor yesterday what ever is close by and tell him he is to sit there until he has calmed down and finished. a minute later he will tell me he is finished and wants a hug. if he is finished he gets up but if does it again goes back to that spot until calm again. mean while i will be about a metre away and not look at him while he screaming. i dont call it time out or anything like that to him. for the moment it works for us...