Shared Custody Ideas or Suggestions?

[Craig&Kel]

At the moment we have my step-kids every other weekend, and half school holidays, but i'm trying to think of a better option... I don't think the kids really enjoy it, and I'm not really comfortable with it either.

Ideally, I would like it if the kids just ring us when they felt like coming over, but in reality i'm not sure this would work out either....DH works arvo shifts, so that wipes out weekdays.
I also worry that they wouldn't come over all if that was the case ( I limit computer games and cook vegetables for dinner...evil step-mummy!) and I'm not sure that DH would handle that too well. He would rather them just be here, even if he doesn't spend any 'quality' time with them.

So could anybody offer some suggestions?
What works for your family?

We get along fine with ex wife, so I can't see any dramas about changing the arrangement.

[hanabi]

I have a friend in a similar situation. They gave the oldest child (aged 14 I think) a mobile phone and encouraged both kids to use it, to call them, text them, anytime they wanted to. Since the two families lived quite far from each other, visits required some planning, but the regular contact meant they were as 'in touch' as much as possible, and I imagine in a situation like yours Kel, it would mean that both parents could always know where the kids were.

[emd]

Probably depends a lot on the age of the kids involved, how well the parents communicate with each other, how much the kids like routine and can cope with change, practical issues like where school and other activities are located.

It could be hard for the other parents to cope with scheduling their own work and social life if they don't know if/when they will have children at home. The same goes for the kids - there may be some aspects of life that become more difficult if they are in a particular house (eg further to travel to school, or easier to work on a favourite hobby in a particular space).
Some children cope better when they have more routine - it's Saturday, so that means I'm going to sleep at dad's house tonight... it's Thursday, so that means I'm going to sleep at mum's house tonight...

If all the parents involved communicate well with each other, why not work out the boundaries of what's possible amongst yourselves, then ask the kids to think about what would work best for them?

I had a few friends as teenagers whose parents shared care. Lots of teenagers chose to live full time with one parent for a while, then swapped to living with the other parent full time for a while. They still spent time with the non-custodial parent in school holidays etc. It was just easier for them to go to the same house to sleep every night, or in some cases they were in constant conflict with one parent so the other parent's style suited them better during that phase. In some cases it also meant the parents didn't have to live near each other anymore (eg if someone was offered a good job in another town, or moved to be with a new partner).

[theycallmemum]

Our shared custody involved week on and week off. So one week we had the boys and the next the ex-wife had them. It gave each party an opportunity to communicate better and the kids were never effected from it.

[jb]

Hi Kel,
I too have a step child which is the same age as my son from a previous relationship bit of a brady bunch really.
He usually comes every second weekend and half of school holidays which originally took alot of negotating this was to start off with now about 1 1/2 later we still have that but allow for flexability ie parties, extended family gatherings.
We run our household really different discipline, food, activites and he adjusted to it over time they do learn that each home has something different to offer he didn't like our place as much at first but now he appreciates the differences and accepts the different parenting styles. he even tried to mediatate which is huge for a kid who needs constants activity.
The expartner and my husband getting along took some time longer I mediated betwen them (court appointed) then when they realised they just wanted the best for their son it got flexable.
I'm happy to talk to you about the finer details or even a understanding hu hu.

[Craig&Kel]

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

Jb - our situation sounds very similar to yours. Our household is run very differently to their mums, and I think they have trouble adjusting for such a short visit.
When we lived up north, we only saw them for the school holidays and they seemed to fall into the pattern a lot easier. The first few days were a bit tense, but after that we all seemed to get along pretty well, and the time together was much more enjoyable.
Now we have moved back down, we have gone back to fortnight/half holidays, and any other time required (eg if their mum has an early start, needs us to get them ready for school, that sort of thing.)

We might just need a bit more time to adjust back into the swing of things. We have talked about 50/50 share, but I personally think it would be a bit disruptive, especially with the parenting differences. DSS 14 has shown signs of depression and has concentration problems, so I don't think the week-about method would help him.

[theycallmemum]

It is the parenting differences that became our problem too kel. It still happens to this day. What goes around comes around I say but it's still no fault of the kids. One day they'll realise. There is a great step parenting forum around and I lost the link and google has failed me on my reserach. I'll keep my eyes open for you and get back to you if I locate it, but they had some great ideas.

I think this is it. Just cannot locate the forum.

http://www.stepfamily.asn.au/

[Craig&Kel]

Thanks, i'll check it out

[tamarab30]

I checked out the forums from stepfamily zone. There is a wealth of information! Thanks for posting the link theycallmemum. Unfortunately you will have to trawl through the posts though Kel, a lot of the posts are VERY negative, but as I said above, there is some great info in there also. I'm personally not sure whether 50/50 works, not speaking from experience though. I worry that the children would not feel as if they have a permanent home (that is if it is one week at dad's, then one week at mum's.)
It's a difficult situation - but I'm all for the children getting to see their mum and their dad whenever they wish. A lot of 50/50 being successful would depend on the parents (including step-parents) and the children in question.
Good luck Kel. Hope you and hubby work out a situation that works for all of you.

[tamarab30]

Hi Kel
Have found another website for step parenting which is a lot more closer to my view on things and is very child focused.
Bonus Families - Stepfamily Resources and Advice for Stepfamilies, Stepparents and Stepchildren
Check it out, it's great