How do you relate to other's parenting styles?

[~*WindofGrace*~]

Ok, so I'm a chronic lurker here and in my other parenting forum(which I'm having difficulty feeling a part of). I'm finding it harder and harder to relate to others who use, imo, harsh parenting styles.

I've recently been reading Robin Grille's new book and while I find it affirming for a lot of the things we do with DS I'm finding the actual evidence that he uses even handier. Now, with that in mind...I'm finding it harder to be so accepting of certain parenting practices used by those around me.

We have all this information available to us as parents and yet there are still people who believe that things like smacking, leaving your baby to cry, etc is acceptable...even necessary! I'm becoming less tolerant to these types of behavior...to the point of disgust. This is especially hard for me as I only have a few friends who follow AP styles.

So after that ramble, here's my question. How do you deal with others negative parenting styles? How do you relate without judging them (or do you judge secretly)?

[oneofakind]

I think you're alwaya going to be judging / comparing / critiquing other people and how they relate to the children / discipline them.

The beauty of our society is that we can decide for ourselves how we will raise our own children - how we will discipline them, how we treat them, how we play with them.

Live and let live. The tricky thing is, do you say anything when you totally disagree with what they just did to their child (eg smack them without trying other methods first) or just stay quiet?

[Monkeymum]

honestly....judge secretly!! but try to lead by example.

[~*WindofGrace*~]

Originally Posted by oneofakind

Live and let live. The tricky thing is, do you say anything when you totally disagree with what they just did to their child (eg smack them without trying other methods first) or just stay quiet?

That's the hardest part, more so with my SIL who the other evening actually got so fed up with her two year old that she shut her up n a dark room. Now...I just felt like gently saying "take a deep breath - she's just a little girl" I am just worried about saying anything as I don't want to come across as being a judgmental bitch...lol.

[emd]

I try to learn from experience and lead by example, but I'm not very good at it sometimes.

Although a lot of us on NP read lots of alternative parenting books and ask questions of like-minded people to learn new ways of doing things, not all parents do this.

There are many parents who do what their parents did, because they don't have any reason to question it - they turned out OK, they love and respect their parents, and they're not being directly presented with an alternative way of doing things.

Imagine being a parent who works long hours to pay the high costs of living in a big city. You wouldn't have a lot of time to go to the library and find parenting books, or meet up with mothers groups to compare parenting methods. You might be stuck with using grandparent care so you can work - so it's easier to be consistent with their methods than to try and get them to conform to your preferred way of doing things.

Or imagine being a parent who has had a traumatic start to motherhood and perhaps suffers a bit with PND. You might find someone whose methods in other areas are helping you (eg a MCHN with some good advice and some very outdated advice). It might be easier to follow ALL their advice than to seek out alternatives to the bits that don't quite sit right.

As for the example of what to say when you see something negative playing out in front of you... sometimes I say something, sometimes I don't. There are some friends who I don't think would welcome my opinion on their parenting choices, so I keep it to myself (but they'll see for themselves that I do things differently with my kids). And there are other friends who I think would be open to other ideas, so I offer an alternative idea when it's relevant to the conversation. The moment that they're actually doing the thing that grates is not usually the time to talk about alternatives - pick a time when they're more receptive.

Actually, I really enjoy having friends who do things differently to me. They all have happy, healthy children, raised in a safe and loving environment. I might think that some of their choices are not the best, but they probably think some of mine are not the best too.

[~*WindofGrace*~]

Thanks for the response!

I do believe in the motto "Live and Let Live"- but I suppose it's hard when you think something could possibly be damaging, especially to children.

I'm thinking for me all this new found info is an overload and I am bursting to share it with those I care about, but I think like everyone said..Lead by example!

Anyhow...thanks for that- nice to hear some others thoughts on it.

[Dorasmum]

The difficult thing about this is that everybody comes at parenting from a different angle, there are so many variables that make up one's style, attitude, strengths and weaknesses. And then more variables are thrown in with the children them selves, they are all SO different. Some of the things I did with my second daughter might have been disapproved of by some on here just because I had to find a way to cope myself in a very difficult situation, like you saying your SIL shut her child in a dark room, well I have a couple of times been so unable to cope anymore with my DD2 i put her in her bedroom shut the door and let her cry so i can collect myself. Whether that says more about me and my coping skills or my knowledge as a parent I don't know. I don't like doing that but I reach a point sometimes where my normal judgement doesn't work any more. But this never happened with my DD1 because she was a different child.

On the basic things like cloth nappies, BF, co-sleeping etc, yes I do believe these things are best but again, why do I believe that? Because of the conditioning I received as a child in my upbringing.

I beleive for the most part people only do what ever they know and feel is the best, from what they learned from the people that influenced them.
I probably do judge sometimes from afar but the older I get the more I reaiise that everybody is on a treadmill of struggle and judgement isnt' a way to help. And also since DD2 was born I've probably become less likely to judge than when I had DD1 simply because of the experience I've had with a different more "challenging" child.

Em

[JAK]

I think we all judge to some extent (and that's fairly normal really), it's whether we make that judgement public or keep it private. I rarely say anything anymore unless asked. But then I probably do many things that others here would consider un NP and I know when ds was younger hearing criticism of ds and my parenting choices/abilities didn't help at all.

That's the hardest part, more so with my SIL who the other evening actually got so fed up with her two year old that she shut her up n a dark room

I tend to empathise with how frustrating such a situation is and then might say what I do with ds in such situations and then leave it. Many people will become defensive, but showing understanding of how they are feeling at that time helps with that, but they also might reflect back on suggestions given later on and decide to try it. This can help those parents that aren't sure what to do or would like to change their own behaviours. Though there are some parents who don't want to change what their doing and with them, I think you have to decide whether you can let some of those choices not impact on your friendship/relationship.

[~*WindofGrace*~]

I completely know what it's like to be frustrated and I've had to take some time before with DS. With my SIL I know she loves her children dearly and I know she is going through a rough time (split from partner...etc..)

I suppose it's moreso that I get heaps of comments from people about how there is no proof to back up what I'm doing and now I have some!...lol. I think it's also hard as there aren't really other individuals in my area that feel the same way I do in regards to a parent/child connection and so it's hard to talk about my views without worrying that I'm offending someone.

I'm also worried that as passionate as I've become that I *WILL* overstep my boundaries without realising it. The last thing I want is to become my MIL for the other team, KWIM?..lol

[emd]

I think it's normal and fine to have an opinion on the best way to raise children. But I think that if you are openly judgemental of other people's parenting choices, you should expect that they will not want to socialise with you anymore.

Ultimately, if her children are not in danger, it is not your place to tell her how to raise them - unless she signals that she'd like some help. It's her right to raise children who reflect her personal values, and it sounds like that's what she's doing.