Guidance with aware parenting

[MindfulMama]

I am currently reading one of Aleta Solter's books, and am finding it really interesting. I still need time to get my head around a lot of the ideas, and some of what I've read gets an automatic "not for me" response, but a lot of it makes sense as well, and I'm keen to learn more.

The material on being aware of your family of origin influences is very timely as I have been having a lot of anger, frustration & resentment towards DS (who at 18 months of age still doesn't sleep more than an hour or two at a time & requires mum &/or boob to resettle; is cranky & irritable a lot of the time; doesn't eat more than a six month old would; refuses to play alone for more than a millisecond if mummy is around etc - I'm an emotionally & physically tired woman!).

The ideas about letting a child cry are a bit more difficult for me to understand I think ... in part because I am concerned about how I would know when DS *needs* to cry, vs when I *should* be responding? (if that makes sense in my sleep deprived state). I think this might be easier when it's an infant & you can go thru the checklist of hungry/wet/cold etc. For example, if he wants daddy's hammer but I've said no because it's lunch time - do I allow him to cry because he is angry & frustrated he can't have the hammer, or do I avoid the situation in the 1st place by diverting etc? If he doesn't want to brush his teeth (which is a major battle of hysterical proportions & therefore currently done once a week whilst physically restraining him), do I do it anyway because it's important, but allow him to cry & vent his unhappiness about it? If he won't eat even a mouthful of food before I give him boob (our current rule in an attempt to encourage more eating), do I encourage him to cry, even though the initial need is that he is hungry? These aren't great examples - I will post more as I come across them in my day.

The other big area of interest was about boob being used for comfort & the effect of this on suppressing feelings & sleep. I can understand the point of view, and the idea of being able to make significant changes to our sleep issues is appealing, but on another level I am concerned of the potnetial negative effect of withdrawing the main comfort source for a child who has always tended to be quite anxious (especially at night - my theory is that it reminds him of being separated from me at birth & left alone in special care nursery during 1st two weeks of life). The idea that he needs to cry himself to sleep (albeit in the arms of a loving parent) seems a bit strange, and that he would need to do this through the night as well to process hurts etc, doesn't seem to make much sense? Can anyone help me understand more?

Also, Aleta says that after a couple of nights of crying & not being offered boob the child will sleep for longer periods of time (which I think DS needs & would drastically improve our family conflicts). But how can one know that this is because the child has "processed" and "expressed" and is now under "self-control", rather than having given in to a type of learned helplessness that they will be denied that which has given them comfort?

Would love any thoughts or ideas

[emd]

I struggled with this with my second child. I didn't worry about it at all with my first baby - I just accepted that sometimes she needed to release the day's tension by having a little cry, and that my attempts to stop the crying were just prolonging it because she wasn't being allowed to express herself. I think with the second baby, I had so much guilt over her less than ideal birth that I tried to make up for it by never letting her cry - even when she wanted to express herself.

I asked for objective opinions from others about what they thought her crying was about (is she tired? hurting? just expressing frustration?). Mostly though, I just allowed her to cry but stayed with her while she did it. So she never felt abandoned or ignored, but at the same time there were boundaries that meant I could look after the physical needs of myself as well as multiple children.

I don't think that crying is inherently a sign of poor parenting. I do think that the way we react to a crying child is important though. Sometimes they do need comforting. Sometimes the thing that will stop the crying is something they just can't have, and I think it's quite normal to express frustration by crying. As they get older, it becomes easier to verbalise that frustration, and there will hopefully be less crying. I think talking about feelings is very important in learning how to deal with them.

[Susan]

I remember first discovering Aletha's work and feeling the same way. It is such a different approach and understanding of crying than most of us experienced and are encouraged to respond to our children. I used Aware Parenting strategies from the start with our second child and have noticed an enormous difference in the way he deals with painful feelings and his relationship with breastfeeding. My eldest still struggles with strong emotions. I think some of this is personality also.

I agree with Emma, crying is definitely not a sign of poor parenting. It can take an enormous amount to willingly sit with a child and openly recieve their crying. Not judging or trying to fix or stop it can be an big challenge. I certainly found myself in tears many times in the early days. I found this process to be very triggering for a lot of my own unexpressed emotion. So I think it is important not to under estimate the gravity of authentically receiving our children's painful feelings.

I also think it is important to not set the bar too high for ourselves. There will be times when you just don't have the energy to do this and that is totally fine. In fact I think it is sensible to choose the times when you are able to be most present.

Setting limits and boundaries can often be the trigger for our children but not the total source of their painful feelings. I don't think it is necessary to fully understand the totality of what is playing out for them. This is largely impossible. Rather, I believe it is important to be present with empathy and compassion.

Reading your post reminds me of when my youngest son was very young. I too wondered if I was not seeing the real reason for his crying - such as hunger or discomfort. I always went through each of those things before holding him to cry. I was so often amazed at the transformation after the release. I think it is something to be seen to be believed! It is important to make sure each of your child's needs are met prior to crying. As you continue though, it will become more and more evident when they are needing to cry.

Like any approach to parenting there will be aspect of Aware Parenting that do not resonate with you and don't work for your family. I think it is important to be open and explore each possibility and take what works best for you. Every child is different and what works well for one does not for another. It could be something you progressively introduce and see how you go.

Aletha will be here later in the year running workshops. This may be a good opportunity for you to connect with other using this approach and ask questions.

Please feel free to continue asking here also. It is great to see someone working through this approach.

[Nyree]

Aletha will be here later in the year running workshops. This may be a good opportunity for you to connect with other using this approach and ask questions.

I was going to mention this, too.

Workshops in Brisbane

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 (Full-day workshop): "Discipline Without Punishments or Rewards."

Learn how to raise cooperative, responsible, and self-disciplined children without being authoritarian or permissive. We will discuss the pitfalls of punishments and rewards, and review the basic techniques of democratic discipline with mutual respect between adults and children. Discover the three reasons for inappropriate behavior, and learn how to change children's behavior by recognizing and meeting their needs. This workshop is useful for parents, teachers, daycare providers, health practitioners, social workers, therapists, and anybody else involved with babies or children from birth to pre-adolescence. There will be some experiential exercises and plenty of time for questions.

Sponsored by Lighthouse Resources. For more information and bookings, please contact Donna Nisbet at (07) 33739407 or by email at donna@lighthouseresources.com.au.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 (Full-day workshop): "Helping Children Heal From Stress and Trauma."

Stress and trauma early in life can alter children's neurobiological systems and lead to anxiety, aggressive behaviour, hyperactivity, attachment disorders, sleep problems, learning difficulties, depression, and physical illnesses. Luckily, children know how to heal from trauma if we give them the opportunity. We will review the major sources and symptoms of stress and trauma during infancy and early childhood, and discuss the conditions required for children to restore emotional health. The focus will be on reducing stress, creating emotional safety, and facilitating children's spontaneous stress-release mechanisms of play, laughter, crying, and raging. This workshop is useful for parents, teachers, daycare providers, health practitioners, social workers, therapists, and anybody else involved with babies or children from birth to pre-adolescence. There will be some experiential exercises and plenty of time for questions.

Sponsored by Lighthouse Resources. For more information and bookings, please contact Donna Nisbet at (07) 33739407 or by email at donna@lighthouseresources.com.au.

[MindfulMama]

Thanks for your guidance

I looked into going to the workshops, but couldn't afford them & DS (at this stage anyway), wouldn't accept being with DH for a whole day (hopefully things will change by November, but for now whilst I acknowledge that some of DS's breastfeeding is a "habit" or "control pattern" to use AwP terms, it is also his main source of nutrition as he is very slowly to start solids. we are finally getting to see a dietician who specialises in infant food intolerance, so fingers crossed this is a step in a positive direction!)

I finished reading the book (tears & tanrtums it is called) & am still struggling with a lot of the concepts - the need to let children cry & process I understand, but the issues around sleep fill me with questions. For example, if DS wakes during the night & gets really upset because I won't give him boob (as the book suggests), then isn't he *just* crying because I won't give him boob, rather than because of another reason that he needs to release? My other concern is that he has such sleep anxiety & we have worked so hard (as per Sears suggestions) to help him feel sleep is a safe place to enter & stay in - creating conditions where he cries before bed & each time he wakes (eg through not feeding or singing to settle etc) seems counter-intuitive?

I fed DS to sleep for his afternoon nap, but refused to feed him when he woke up an hour later, and he cried for half an hour. He just wanted boob. He did seem happy this afternoon after the crying tho. I felt like I was forcibly weaning him tho?

[Susan]

I think it depends on your understanding of his relationship with breastfeeding. Is he using breastfeeding as a "control pattern" that is stopping him from crying and releasing painful feelings. Aletha would probably say yes. Is he using breastfeeding for purly nutritional needs? Or does he rely on it as his sole source of comfort? If so,are there other ways you can provide comfort to your child without using the breast? Is this something you want to do? It may not be what you believe best mets your child's needs right at this moment.

Maybe it is right for you to sit with one aspect of this approach and see how it works for you and your child. You don't need to adopt the whole process immediately or ever.

I think many people find children's crying very challenging for many reasons. Most of us try to either stop the crying, distract the child, avoid crying or for some even punish for crying. These approaches don't acknowledge the value of allowing children and adults for that matter the opportunity to express what they can not put into words. I know how I feel after I allow myself to fully cry or experience painful feelings in the company of a loving adult. The relief is enormous. I am guessing that is the same experience felt by our children. Even on a physiological level, the release of toxins through crying is enormous.

[Nyree]

I think any time we take the words of 'experts' as gospel over our own instincts is prone to disaster. I love some of Aletha's work, but some just doesn't sit well with me at all. Same with many others in the field. Being open to ideas & trying new things can certainly bring benefits at times, but not if they go against what you & your child need from each other. If you feel something works, go for it, but remember you are the expert on your child's need, no one else. JMO

[hanabi]

Originally Posted by kimj

For example, if DS wakes during the night & gets really upset because I won't give him boob (as the book suggests), then isn't he *just* crying because I won't give him boob, rather than because of another reason that he needs to release?

Put yourself in DS's position. There is bound to be some confusion in the initial stages of changing a habit. I would say yes, he's crying because he's not getting what he's used to getting. He's confused. Maybe he's angry at you? That's a natural reaction.

My other concern is that he has such sleep anxiety & we have worked so hard (as per Sears suggestions) to help him feel sleep is a safe place to enter & stay in - creating conditions where he cries before bed & each time he wakes (eg through not feeding or singing to settle etc) seems counter-intuitive?

I remember going through this very conundrum when I was night-weaning Mira. This is where constancy, or predictability, is important. In the initial stages, the pattern has to be similar every time. This gives cues that allow the new behaviours to acquire some measure of predictability in a situation. Predictability reduces anxiety. Getting through the initial change is the hardest part.

eg, If DS remembers that you did not offer the breast last night, but you did offer cuddles and songs, then once he has released his frustration (and his toddler logic returns) he's likely to settle more quickly into the new pattern (cuddling, singing) that you're offering.

I fed DS to sleep for his afternoon nap, but refused to feed him when he woke up an hour later, and he cried for half an hour. He just wanted boob. He did seem happy this afternoon after the crying tho. I felt like I was forcibly weaning him tho?

What I learned from night-weaning Mira, is that every time I altered the new pattern, it raised more confusion, and more frustration - which meant more, and longer, bouts of crying. Consistency and congruence is really important for adapting to the new habit. So ensure that the cuddling and singing is offered when the breast is not. Don't cuddle and sing when you do offer the breast. Keep the two patterns distinct, and use your best judgement when it comes to discerning which response best fulfills his (or your) needs at any given time. Maybe it was easier for me to define breastfeeding and non-breastfeeding time in this case because Mira always knew when it was dark/night (no breast) and when it was day (breastfeeding A~OK).

I don't see it as forcibly weaning. You feel a need to set some boundaries on the breastfeeding, most of us do at some point. Breastfeeding and weaning are fluid states and we constantly journey along a spectrum between them.


I don't like hearing the crying though and I can understand why people are uncomfortable with this concept.