Hands on Dad?

[Dorasmum]

How much of a hands on Dad is your DH? I'm still struggling with mine, he does what I ask, but never volunteers anything and quite frequently moans that he has to watch the news if i want him to run a bath for them. Now saying that makes him sound bad but he's not really, just not real good at it. I just have to ask and he usually does do what I ask for help with. Even after two with nappies he's still shocking at changing them, I wonder if sneakily he does it bad so I don't ask him anymore....

So I guess what mostly what frustrates me, he won't volunteer for anything, you know, "hey why don't I mind the kids for an hour while you go have a bath.." Stuff like that. He does do that but it's me saying "Hey mind the kids for me while I go have a bath" .
He does do long hours, with often little sleep but I do long hours at home with little sleep and all the housework/gardening/shopping/bill paying/organising. I know he appreciates it but I don't think he realises how much I do since he never lived on his own, he went from Mum to me.

So how do you divide up kid care? Does it affect your relationship in a negative way or is it a positive thing for your family to have a comfortable division of care?

I'm more than happy to have the lions share most of the time but it's just the times I need a break. Having said all that it's not a big issue with us, I haven't managed to change anything in nearly 7 years of marriage so I just make do with what seems to work.

The other side of the story though is that he very rarely complains about anything I do with the kids or the housework, in fact nothing to do with the kids. Only that I should soak a pot before washing or add more spices to a certain dish. I think he is keenly aware than if he complains I might ask him to do it instead if I'm that bad at it so he is very compliant with my way of doing things.
So we mostly make it work

How do you make it work.?

Em

[starbuckozzie]

Mine gets hit with childcare bigtime when he's here. Mainly because (like right now) he is off in Japan for work for 2 weeks and I am here with no support at all so it's 24 hours a day until he gets back. He comes back exhausted because he usually flies overnight to have more time for us. Then I (at my wits' end by then) tell him I'm going for a run or a bike ride or to do the grocery shopping and he just accepts it out of guilt! When he gets back on Thursday morning he is coming straight to the swimming lesson with us. :-)

We have an agreement that he cooks the dinner on the weekends. I do all the shopping and he cooks. Every Saturday night that he is here he gives the kids their bath then makes a pizza while I sit in front of the fire with a book and a glass of wine!

If he is here at night times he gives the kids their bath and washes the after-dinner dishes although I am trying to do them a bit more often to give him a break. Occasionally he will take the washing off the line if asked and changes nappies (well) but usually only if asked.

My MIL yesterday had the nerve to tell me on the phone that my job is hard (!) but oh, his must be terribly hard. I couldn't believe it and don't think I can be civil to her for several months! Of course it's true and he works like a dog but she could have been a little more tactful I think! Both kids are upset because he's away and have taken it out on me non-stop all week. :-( And I'm starting to fantasise about being alone....

My DH will do an awful lot to keep me happy because his life is so nice when I am. So I try to reinforce that as much as possible!

[hanabi]

Mine is really hands on and I rarely need to ask him to do stuff. At the same time, I'm super-aware that he has a really taxing job and isn't always in the head space for parenting. Sometimes he can be a bit short tempered, or his expectations can be a bit too high. So I do the lion's share during the week and he makes up for it on the weekends. But in general, he's a more 'natural' parent than me and he's taught me a lot about patience and maintaining a sense of humour. We balance each other out nicely.

Em, if you feel it's not working out for you and you find yourself wanting more from DH then I'd say you need to address this with him directly. Your post made me feel a little sad for him, that he's not engaged with the children and so, missing out on appreciating a significant stage of their lives. And if he doesn't appreciate them NOW, feel connected with them NOW, then how will he ever engage with them authentically when they're older? The foundations of the relationship are built NOW. (OK, maybe I'm reading too much into your post - if so, I apologise.)

You mention how he lived with his Mum until he met you. What was his own dad like? Is he modelling the relationship he has with his own father?

[Dorasmum]

Oh Hanabi sorry to make you sad! It is kind of like that, he doesn't connect with them as much as I'd like, but in his own way he still does, it's just up to me to initiate all of it. I give them a book in the evening and tell them to go find Dad for a story, I hand DD2 to him and say go run a bath, I sometimes put all their shoes/jackets/hats on and say theres the door, go for a walk with them. It doesn't seem to occur to him to start anything. In his credit he is always home if he's not at work. Not at all sociable, seems to need nobody else but us and himself for company.

I do look mournfully at Dad's in the park/shopping/walking with prams/in toy stores with their kids because he almost has never done that stuff. He has only had DD1 in the car on his own with him maybe half a dozen times in 6 years. He did say something revealing once about being afraid he couldn't be watchful enough and something might happen to her- run across the road or something so he's not comfortable with having them on his own. But it is a huge part of just who he is as a person and I have to learn to work with it.

His father is nothing like that, a total hands on Grandpa, he's more like his mother, she's not naturally maternal, lovely Grandma but not hugely comfortable with it. And hes also very close to both of them

Starbuckozzie, i think that's just a mother/son thing. Mine tells me to make sure he's getting enough sleep and takes his multivitamins...

Em

[hanabi]

A lot of Dads aren't eager parents with babies and toddlers but come into their own when the children are more independent, around school age. Your hubbies revealing comment suggests he might be like this.

But it is a huge part of just who he is as a person and I have to learn to work with it.

Yes, I see what you're saying and I admire your perspective. We can't change who they are and it would be an imposition to try.

[2pips]

Originally Posted by hanabi

A lot of Dads aren't eager parents with babies and toddlers but come into their own when the children are more independent, around school age.

This is so true in our case. when the babies were little, (4 so far) he was all thumbs and looking foto me to tell him what needs to be done. He was fantastic and got on with everything but had no clue as to when or what was going on without prompting. As soon as they could crawl and point and make noises he started to grow with them and be more proactive. Now that we have 8 year olds he is right there and knows what they like and how they like things so its just waiting to reach his personal comfort level.

As a side my Hubby lived with mum till I married him and he was 30 when we got married. ( married 21 yers now) Not sure it means anything but he had no idea about what clean means..LOl..

[emd]

He sounds just like my Dad.
It's not that he didn't want to be involved, he was just so busy providing for his family financially and had no experience with the world of women and children. For a father who lacks confidence and experience, the worry for their child's safety and wellbeing can be overwhelming.
When I left home as an adult, I hardly knew my father. But he's much better at being a dad to me as an adult than he ever was when I was a child. I often feel that he understands the pressures of my adult life, and we talk regularly.

[Marmee]

I also agree with the fact that some Dads become more hands on as their children get a little older.

My DH is a gem. Quite hands on. His Dad was very much the opposite - never home to be hands on. DH is adamant that he will be around for his children.

He has been hands on from the day dot. Very involved in caring for our babes.

Now, he will get up to our children at night if I have had a rough day or have been up to one of them for part of the night, he will take the older ones on bike rides on the weekend, plays in the street with the neighbours children, reads to our little ones, takes them off my hands at the end of a hectic day etc.

He is really really enjoying being around our son (7 years) ATM. They both watch the football together, DH is our son's soccer team coach, they love Star Wars, lego, bike riding, listening to his iPod together....it's lovely for them both.