I need help, pls...

[bubba]

I've been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he has a 8-year-old son.
When I met my boyfriend I got along with his son quite well.
I forgot to mention that he has 50% custody so his son stays with him 50% of the time.
The problem gradually appears to me, well I don't think my boyfriend ever noticed or questioned his own son behavior.
His son become more and more pian in the butt for me honestly.
He tries draw attention to him all the time.
In some situation I feel like he should be a little bit dependant by his age.
He is 8 but still can't go to have a shower by himself.
He always deliberately fart no matter where he is, even in the blankets with us, I find that disgusting and too much.
Every morning when he wakes up about 7 or earlier, first thing he does is come in and wake his dad up which means wake me up too, also I find it very annoying after a period of time.
On schooldays, he has to be told to get dress and everything else and he never do it straight away.
After he finished eating he always leave the rubbish and food scrap all over the place, once again he has to be told to put the plates and glass away.
When he come over and see me he never acknowledge me at all.
When he wants me to do something he never says please, well, he says if his dad is there.
My boyfriend always bring him in our room to watch the TV with us at night and also let him sleep in til late then move him back to his room.
I feel really frustrated because most of the time I come in to the room after them and his son take over my place.
These things keep happen all the time and I'm sick of it.
I feel like I'm a bitch sometimes but on the otherhands I think this 8-year-old kid hasn't been taugh properly about manners and how to relate to other people.
I liked him so much but now he breaks my limits.
I feel like my boyfriend teach his son to be more and more dependant and now his son goes backward.
My boyfriend is kind of thinking that his son has been through a lot of stuff so he doesn't want to upset him and I think that's wrong but I don't know how to explain to him to make him listen because when I say something about his son's behavior he said to me "how do you know, you never be a parent.", that really shut me up.
Well, I just want your opinion about my attitude toward this 8-year-old kid and I'd like to know what can I do to improve his behavior and how to open his dad's attitude.
Thank you

[waiting4baby]

look I dont have kids but I have them around me...it seems you do need to be a little more tolerant of the child...if it was yours you would still be calling him baby and remembering back to the times you had to wipe the poop of his butt...that being said I think your partner really needs to take in to consideration that his child will rebel against you and he has to pay attention when he is doing this - for example ignoring you when he sees you...

Also you and you boyfriend might have different ideas on how to parent...he might not mind his kid farting whenever he wants and not cleaning after himself...if that is the case then the issues is between you and your partner not the child...

I would say work this out with your boyfriend...the child is only 8 you cannot blame him.

[bubba]

I understand what you mean and thank you for your opinion.
I know that I can't blame it on the kid but it's so frustrated, you know?
His parents know that he has slow developement amonng kids in his age but they do nothing.
As I said 8 years old kid should have some responsibilities but he has none and refuse to be responsible to anything.
When he plays and makes a mess in his room, he wants his dad to clean it and talk to his dad like it is not his job to clean up and if his dad refuse to help him, he gets angry and start to complain.
I love kids, to be honest with you, but for this one it's just too much.
He wants to do whatever he wants and don't even listen to his parents sometimes.
I actually blame his parents, but the kid makes me sick.
I don't know how to explain, all I know is I'm very frustrated with his behavior.
His dad wants to do nothing then what else can I do except complaining lol.
Huh~ I think I have to make a decision whether put up with this or just break up and get on with my life.

[bubba]

I understand what you mean and thank you for your opinion.
My boyfriend, he has no idea about parenting a child and he accept that.
I don't want to push his son very hard but for me it comes to the point that he is old enough to think and have some responsibilities.
His dad told him to stop farting deliberately so many times.
I don't mind if it's not stink or not very often, you know? It's not funny for me anymore.
I realise that if his parents don't do anything about his behavior then nothing left for me to do too because I'm not his mom and he's not my child.
He has slow developement and his parents are aware of it.
I don't agree with my boyfriend opinion that his son has been through a lot of stuff that any children in his age never been through.
If he felt sorry for his son that's fair enough but I don't think he can use this as an excuse not to teach his son what is right or wrong.
And as I said, his dad never listen to what I said ever as he think that he has been a parent but I haven't been.
I did speak to my boyfriend that his son ignoring me so many times and he promise me to talk to him. Nothing happen, I asked him why and he said he doesn't want to hurt his son's feeling. That's rediculous! It doesn't make sence for me. To be a parent is to teach, to raise up, to educate a child and he refuse to do that.
Well, I think I missed the point now. So, if you or anyone have any suggestion please feel free to post.
I don't know what to do now.

[Clover]

I wonder if he is crying out for attention? Do you and bf play with him or initiate activities? Since there is no other child in the relationship might he be bored?

Try to engage him in activities and make things fun! Clean up together so it is not too daunting and smile!Find out what he likes to do and be involved. You can only try!

[0BleSseD0]

Having been in a 'his child from a previous relationship' position that broke a relationship I wanted to just give you some support.
Its not easy and you are not alone.

I wish I could give you some advice, but I don't have any.

Maybe some quiet alone time (just you!) could help you clear your head and put things into perspective?

[Bronnie]

you know, he sounds pretty normal for a child. that's the hard bit, remembering children are very different to adults. you should hear our conversations about chores and yep, you do have to remind them over and over.

it may be easier if you are able to think about how you'd like to be spoken to - if someone told you what to do and expected you to do it, would it feel nice? probably not, and children are the same. and even after asking them to do something, we still need to remember that as children they don't have the same capacity as us, don't get the 'it's better to do it now rather than later' mentality. gosh, how many of us wait till the last moment to do something just cos it's boring or because we have better things to do?

with the things that annoy you, eg farting, you may find if you stop reacting, he'll stop doing it if he sees a fun reaction from you (fun for him, not you), he'll do it again. it's well know that if children don't get positive attention from his parents (and you are a parent in this case), they'll revert to negative behaviour as any attention is better than none.

remember, this child's life is far from normal. we shouldnt' have to share our parents with someone who isn't a parent, but he has to. he has less stability than other children. you may find it quite rewarding if you're able to provide some stability, give him more than most children

[bubba]

Well, I did try to support him, not as I'm his mom but as a human being.
I felt sorry for what had happened in his life.
Every time I felt irritated by his behavior, I never show anything, never complain about it I put up with everything because he is just "a child" but now I lose my patience, obviously haha. Yeah, I blame his parents actually. His mom is not a good mom in my opinion, I'm not judging her but from what I see, I think she shouldn't let herself have a baby.
She's gay and has no responsibility to look after him. She always off-load her son to my boyfriend and I. Well, I feel that's too much. Maybe that's what making me so frustrated. I have to take responsibility that his own mom doesn't want to take.
The next problem is he hasn't realized yet that his mom is gay. He did say to me once that his mom is gay but my boyfriend reckon that he wasn't really awear of that.
What a life? But as I said this is not an excuse to misbehave or let him misbehave.

[Dorasmum]

Well I think you have to look at the bottom line here, he isn't your child and you can't be the rule maker for him. It's up to your partner and I think the only way to improve the situation is to sit down and have a really good- constructive- not critical, talk with him and explain how you feel. Set some specific requests and make some compromises with him. Start with your bedroom maybe, ask him to set limits on his son being in there, it is after all your bedroom too. Be reasonable, try to be understanding of the boy's handling of what must be a confusing situation.

If you're in this for the long haul with your boyfriend you must tread carefully because he comes as a package with his son. He will always be there and you have to be prepared to share your life with him.

How about you tell us some of the boy's good points. What is he good at? What does he do that makes you smile? And what are things you can do together that might help you get to know each other a bit better?

Em

[melly202769]

Hi, I was a step mum from the age of 20.
And I can tell you now I had 3 already made children and we (Hubby and I) went thru hell for years with the ex wife. Courts, custody and even though I became an instant mum of 3 at the tender age of 20 The children have grown up now and they realize how bad their mum was, but still I'm saying you have a very rocky road ahead of you especially if you are already having problems.
I can't begin to explain the things I went through because even if you try your best with this boy, he will not accept anyone else as his mum. And I don't agree with people saying you have no say over him, if your living with your boyfriend or close to living with him, and if your expected to do things for this boy then you should have a bit of say in his behaviour. If you don't have support at all by your boyfriend get out now.

I got told I had no say over my husbands children either by certain parties, what??
No Say.. But it's ok for me to wash thier clothes feed them look after them etc etc...
Like hell, I had a say.

Good luck I hope you sort it out and it ends in happiness for you all as It is different when they are your own children believe me, even though I love my stepchildren too it's different.