I need advice Teenager dating

melly202769 · #1 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 10:10 AM

Hi, I am going crazy here.
I need to get this off my chest.
My daughter is 13, turning 14 in 4 weeks. She wants to go out with this boy, he is 16.
Her dad said no, can't change his mind. She is crazy about him and no amount of talking will turn her off. I don't wish for her to date either but my way of thinking is to let them see each other under our rules, but her dad won't budge. This boy rings her 2-3 times a day and talks for hours. We live out in the country so they can't see each other everyday. This is where it gets hard as she is constantly nagging me to see him and being nasty and saying really bad things to me, i have been putting up with this for weeks now. I know she talks to him and sees him now and then but her dad doesn't. I don;t know what to do. I feel like I am keeping secrets from him and I don't want to.
He says the boy is too old for her and she is too young. I do have a very open realtionship with her, and don't want to lose that.I feel like I am stepping on eggshells everyday.. HELP..
What are your views.

tamarab30 · #2 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 11:11 AM

Hi Melly
Teenagers are very hard work at times but also can be a delight as you watch them grow into the wonderful young people they will become. You are in a difficult position and I sympathise with you. I also would be cautious as she is still young. I know that your husband appears to be not willing to budge in any direction but perhaps you could have a chat to him in private and explain your fears of pushing your daughter away. Regardless of living in a remote area, your daughter will find a way to spend time with her friend despite your intentions. Perhaps after explaining this to him maybe he would be open to the friend coming to your house to spend time with your daughter? Maybe invite him over for a sunday roast or something similar as a way for your husband and yourself to get to know him? Maybe this may allay some fears your DH has?
Good luck

marchbean · #3 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 02:55 PM

I agree with Tamara, see if your husband will agree to having the boy over your place. He is being silly and putting his head in the sand if he doesnt agree to at least talk about it. Its so much better to keep the lines of communication open. I hope you can find a solution, good luck x

hanabi · #4 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 04:00 PM

In days gone by young people would be chaperoned on dates. So why not allow the friendship to develop with supervision? It does sound very genuine if they can talk for hours on the phone like that. I think no good will ever come from meddling in our children's lives and relationships. Why not invite him into your family and lay the rules out clearly about how they conduct themselves at home and while out and about? Take the whole family, plus 'boyfriend', on a shopping day, or trip to the movies etc. Build some trust between the boy and your husband and observe your daughter with him from a safe distance.

Girls develop physically and emotionally much earlier than boys. I would say a three year gap is not *that* huge and will slowly close as she matures. What is the age difference between you and your husband? At what age did you start developing relationships, platonic or otherwise, with the opposite sex? It could just be that your husband is having to come to terms with his own behaviour as a teenage boy - which is understandable.

But not a good reason to ban your daughter from seeing her friend altogether.

And if that doesn't convince him there's that old saying about keeping your friends close, and your enemies closer.

melly202769 · #5 (**permalink**) 08-07-2008, 10:38 PM

Thank you very much I agree but must try and talk him into it.
I started dating her father when I was 20. He is 8 years older than me. Thats what she always comes back and says to me.
All my friends agree with me in letting them see each other but my mum is also going crook about it blaming me for her talking with this boy.
I feel like I am the meat in the sandwich.
Thats putting it nicely.
I appreciate all of your advice.
Thanks. Hopefully it will get better soon.

melly202769 · #6 (**permalink**) 11-07-2008, 11:54 AM

well it hasn't gotten any better, Hubby keeps saying this boy is too old and all boys at that age think about is Sex. He won't budge at all. I have had the worst 3 weeks of my life and I feel like I am a bad mum. I don't know what else to do.

Nicoy · #7 (**permalink**) 11-07-2008, 03:20 PM

Your husband is right, he should know he was a boy of that age.
BUT he also needs to show that he trusts in your daughter.
She is going to date/see boys.. no matter what her dad says... I know I did.
The best way I can think of is to point out to him, that either she sees him in a controlled enviroment, ie at your house, or that she will sneak out the window and see him behind your backs, again I did this. It can be hard for men to see their little girls as young women, so cut him a little slack..
Try explaining her dads worries to your daughter, try getting her to back off a little..

I would suggest maybe calling the boys parents and having their family over for dinner, that way you and your husband can meet the boys parents and you can meet the boy to.

marchbean · #8 (**permalink**) 11-07-2008, 04:44 PM

When I was 16 I started dating a man of 26

My mum had a fit of course and forbade it. I went behind her back and saw him anyway. About a couple of weeks later my mum came to me and said she realized she couldnt stop me if I really wanted to see him (short of locking me up!) so she gave her consent. Well guess what happened? The 'forbidden' appeal wore off, he didnt seem that 'fantastic' after all and we broke up soon after!
Of course a 16 year old boy thinks of nothing but sex, thats why you need them within your sight! The last thing you want is drive them underground.
I hope your husband comes around. Big hugs to you x

0BleSseD0 · #9 (**permalink**) 11-07-2008, 05:07 PM

I am 19 and with a man 34. Age is just an irrelevant number as far as men go for me. I will fall in love with a man for HIM, not his age!

You have got the right idea with letting her see him and talk to him. I think it is fair to keep her in your sight or at least in your house while she is with him though.

Put it this way to your hubby:
If you ban her from it she will do it behind your back and just not tell you. You will lose that trust forever and it is NOT worth it.
Trust me, I STILL don't tell my father anything of worth.
It really can decide the kind of relationship dad has with his princess.

melly202769 · #10 (**permalink**) 12-07-2008, 06:14 PM

Thank you all so much you make me feel like I am not that bad of a mum.
See dad was saying I was ridculous for letting them see each other but yes I want to keep the relationship open with my daughter as I know I would rather her come to me and be able to talk about any issues at all be it good or bad and I have told her that.
I agree with her dad that she is young but I also know teenagers have changed so much, and that things like this are happening at a much younger age now.
Thanks for everyones input and I will keep you updated...