'beautiful'

[asandv]

HI,

I don't know if this is a strange question but I have a 3 year old daughter with quite spectacular hair - she has shirley temple style ringlet curls. I have straight mousy brown hair so I have no experience here! In general they provoke reactions in strangers, and people comment frequently - ' you have beautiful hair'. However we have recently moved to Macau (china) and it has become quite extreme - complete strangers grab hold of her touch her hair, want their photo taken with her, always telling her how beautiful she is, taht she looks like a doll. Occasionally it leads to nice interactions so I don't always intervene, but sometimes I think people forget she is a person because she looks to them like a doll. Anyway, I am also slightly disturbed by the side issue, which is that she must hear several times a day how beautiful she is. This is not something I have ever really told her. We talk about beautiful clothes - she might have special clothes for parties etc, and beautiful flowers, or I might tell her she looks beautifl after she has painted her face with gold glitter, I don't know - I've actually never given the word much thought, but I'm disturbed here by how much attention is paid to her appearence and what she is learning from that. I am trying to teach her to say hello and tell people how old she is in cantonese so we can have interactions based on something that she has learnt rather than just the surface. Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm asking - obviously you are proud on one level when people tell you your child is beautiful, but I'd rather that she received more feedback on achievements and effort rather than something that is just a fluke of nature. I have explained that in China everyone has straight black hair so hers looks very interesting. Recently she has had a few meltdowns over choosing clothes because she doesn't think what I have chosen looks 'beautiful' which is a little disturbing and I have again tried to explain that clothes don't make you beautiful - except that in the past I have talked about beautiful clothes so I've kind of caught myself out! Anyway sorry this is long and rambling - what are your policies regarding your childrens appearence and comments from strangers/family? Do you think I need to be concerned about this?

Thanks!

Amber

[hanabi]

It's certainly a conflict. I think it would concern me too. She's three, so soon she'll begin to understand that's she's surrounded by people who look different and have a different culture to her. I think you will be able to balance the imposition by balancing people's comments with rationalizations like, "they enjoy that we look different to them", or "we stand out in the crowd here" or whatever gives their comments a context she can understand. I don't think it hurts to tell her she has beautiful hair if she really does, even by western standards. Some people are just born lucky! It doesn't define her though, and you can point out the more rounded aspects of her character all the time, eg, how she enjoys drawing and helping, or how much fun it is to wear a swishy dress, or how much easier it is for children to learn languages like cantonese than it is for grown ups.

So long as there's a qualifier, eg, you look so pretty in that dress, your hair looks pretty sitting in curls like that, I think the compliment is OK and not a major imposition on their self-image.

PS, I have similar issues with words like smart, funny, talented etc.

[Nyree]

VERY common in Asian countries for this to happen. No suggestions what you can do to counter it, though

[emd]

What hanabi said.
I wouldn't get too concerned about meltdowns over choice of clothing at this age. Sophia is four, and for over six months she's had the odd meltdown because she wants to wear a particular dress, or she wants to wear a "twirly skirt", or her entire outfit MUST be pink with no other colours allowed. I figure it's just a phase, related to her newfound ability to make her own choices and her knowledge that what she wears makes a statement about what she likes.

[timestwo]

We lived in Beijing for 4 years before moving back to Australia and this happened to us all the time. I must say for me it was a bit of a confidence booster! I felt like a bit of a rock star sometimes when we used to go out west to the country areas.
Though after a while when I got the hang of the language it was interesting to hear what else people had to say like "Her nose is SO big" and "She is so white she looks like a ghost"

Children generally pick up the language sooner so I'm sure it won't be too long until your daughter can understand, and with that understanding comes and amazing learning curve of culture and differences.

[mummy21]

Just found this post and would just like to say that i have the same thing happening with my little 2 year old boy, he has Beautful hair it is red and really curly and there is not a day that goes by that people stop in their tracks to comment on his hair "oh what beautiflul boy" "what beautiful hair" "he is so lucky " ect ect ive had some that say "hes too pretty to be a boy" all sorts! It will be very interesting as the years go by how he starts to re act/deal with this amount of attention from EVERYBODY that he comes in contact with! We go out for the day and complete strangers will stop us and start talking about his hair, its quite amazing really! I dont think it will be a problem as such, probably will just get sick of people commenting, its probably a bit different with girls and boys i dont think i will have the problem of am i beautiful. I think for a 3 year old girl this is quite normal and nothing to worry about!

[theycallmemum]

What a pickle, not sure what to advise about this because wew can't see into the future and how it may effect her. She become terribly vain or go the opposite and become shy and resent her hair. I would probably prefer the vain as at least there would be plenty of self respect, very important.

I think you're doing all the right things and would just continue as you are.

It must get terribly annoying though, as well as for you mummy21.