Yelling

[Olysmum]

Wasn't sure whether to post this here or under Gentle Guidance. I think it's more appropriate under Journey of Parenting so here it goes.

I find myself yelling more and more at the children. By that I don't mean any kind of outrage lasting minutes but more along the lines of "I asked you to put your jeans on!! Now put that suit away!!" (he insisted on wearig a three piece suit he wore to my SIL's wedding to go to the local shops)

When I walk away from the situation, my words and tone immediately echo in my head and I sound like a monster and downright UGLY!!

I find it heartbreaking that I can yell at them in a fit of frustration and yet they have no recollection of it within seconds or seem to hold no grudge against me for it. Or do they??

This is happening at least once a day and I don't like it...........

[Dorasmum]

I know exactly how you feel. I fee like a terrible mum at the moment, if you read my recent post on my 5 year old, it's that and the other one constantly screaming so I'm always losing the plot with them and it has no effect at all but i still do it.......

So no advice because I am in the same cycle. Just make sure you give them a biiiiiiiig hug at the end of the day or several times a day because i feel that is the main thing for me, to make sure that they know I still love them unconditionally despite my frustration with them.

Oh and I find these patterns usually pass and it'll be something else eventually. Still hard though I know.

Em

[Meridith]

I've been yelling a bit lately, DD hates it and we sit and have a cuddle/talk just about every time. I am soooo sorry, sweet daughter of mine!

It brings back to me the emotional memories of how I felt when mum yelled at us kids, the strategies I emplyed to survive, the inability to share with anyone how I felt because (a) noone wanted to listen and (b) it was my fault that the yelling happened in the first place. It's not a legacy I want to pass on so I figure I can't change overnight those learned behaviours (yelling) but I can change how I respond after I yell.

[Dorasmum]

Actually reading that reminded me of my Mum, she said once that she so regretted always yelling at us so much she decided a gentle swat would be less harmful. But I don't remember her yelling at all so it can't have been that bad. She must have been driven to distraction with the four of us....

That is a key to remember though, what Meridith said, to change how you respond after you yell, for me being aware and being sorry for it is a good start, and expressing that to the kids too.

Em

[hanabi]

I don't think yelling itself is quite as bad as all that. We're all allowed to get a bit hot under the collar or frustrated from time to time. Yelling has its place. None of us can be perfectly patient all the time. It is an unreasonable and unrealistic expectation. Sometimes we just need to be heard (literally, or metaphorically). Depends on the age of the child and what is taking place. Sometimes yelling is suitable intervention. Sometimes it's just cathartic.

But I do think that what we yell - or even say in softer tones - has the potential to be very harmful. Few of us would resort to name-calling, insults or belittling words - I would hope.

So perhaps it's not the yelling itself that's the issue? Yelling may be a symptom of a deeper frustration, or tiredness, or personal issue.

My mother was a yeller. She also had some emotional issues that were a left-over from her childhood. Overall, I came to accept that as her communication style and there isn't any time she yelled at me that I received as a personal attack. Disadvantage is that I have inherited her tendency, and have had to fight hard at times to keep my communications congruent and respectful. I don't like yelling because of how it reflects on me and how it reminds me of my mother's childhood traumas. I think I'm doing OK though. I think I'm doing better than my mother did and I've long stopped expecting myself to be perfect, day in and day out, because that isn't constructive in the grand scheme of life. All personal and lifestyle change must happen in baby steps. I don't beat myself up for my mistakes anymore. We talk about it, we move on.

[Meridith]

But I do think that what we yell - or even say in softer tones - has the potential to be very harmful. Few of us would resort to name-calling, insults or belittling words - I would hope.

I know for me that it isn't the yelling, it is the feelings behind the yelling and why it went down the yelling path. If that makes sense? I know there are things I could have done to respond better to that situation, and I didn't - so I apologise (same as I would/do if it is an adult sized person I've yelled at). Not that I'm beating myself up over it, the process is one of internal realisation and regret (because I carry scars and I don't want to pass those scars on), verbal acknowledgement and apology, sharing how I felt (eg.....unlistened to) the discussing how 'next time' we could both respond differently.

A family we spent a lot of time with when I was growing up spoke in Yell. They were soooooo loud to each other though there was a quieter level for visitors, but for them it was normal and no anger associated whatsoever.

[Jakaluma]

Something that reassured me in a way was my mother fessing up that she yelled at us a lot when we were young - but I have no memory of it, and have never thought of her that way. But then, how much has it got to do with my yelling?

I have found dark chocolate to be a trigger - if I have some in the evening, the next morning I'm a total bitch. Which is a PITA cos the fair trade chocolate is dark...

[hanabi]

Wish I could blame chocolate ...

[Olysmum]

Originally Posted by hanabi

I don't think yelling itself is quite as bad as all that. We're all allowed to get a bit hot under the collar or frustrated from time to time. Yelling has its place. None of us can be perfectly patient all the time. It is an unreasonable and unrealistic expectation. Sometimes we just need to be heard (literally, or metaphorically). Depends on the age of the child and what is taking place. Sometimes yelling is suitable intervention. Sometimes it's just cathartic..

I agree Jodie. I think a "yell-free" home would almost be imposible to come by. I thought further about this last night and I think what's really bothering me is my lack of understanding for THEIR lack of understanding. I sometimes forget my babies are babies - that they are 2 and 4 years old and I expect them to comprehend the hectic day I am having. I get frustrated that I am trying to get them ready to leave the house but find myself mopping up the second puddle of wee in 10 minutes when Miss insists she doesn't need a nappy or to go to the loo etc.

It's like, "Come on guys, we need to be at X in 15 minutes, we need to get out of here" and they're like, "No! It's fun pulling all our toys out of the cupboard and taking all our clothes off. And before we go, can we make some jelly??"

I'm sure many of you know what I'm on about.

We spent a day with another family on the weekend and the parents constantly yelled at the children and I mean it didn't stop. It was really quite sad and the 3 year old was called "a little turd" at one stage. DH and I looked at each other in shock and I'm sure they saw that as they managed to tone things down a bit after that.

Anyway, I think that day just kind of made me realise how much more I am yelling at the kids these days. Gotta make a mental note each morning to remember they are 2 and 4.

[Olysmum]

Originally Posted by Dorasmum

Actually reading that reminded me of my Mum, she said once that she so regretted always yelling at us so much she decided a gentle swat would be less harmful. But I don't remember her yelling at all so it can't have been that bad. She must have been driven to distraction with the four of us....

Em

I don't think I remember Mum's yelling as much as I do the caning. Actually, I remember the hurtful and belittling words but not the actual yelling itself IYKWIM.