Having babies, sex, body parts....

[Marmee]

I was talking to a couple of friends not so long ago about their child asking them details about their pregnancy.

Both friends told their children (aged 9, 8, 7, 5, 4) that the baby will come out their belly button. End of story.

One friend had answered her child's question "how did the baby get in there" with "well, if you don't want a baby you take a tablet and when you do want a baby, you stop taking the tablet".

She said that she's not lying - she takes the pill.

They both agreed that there is no need to tell their children intimate details while they are so young.

Neither friends refer to their genitalia by the correct term (noddles and doodles and I have no idea about the girl's parts).



It got me thinking about our approach to all things sexual with our children.

What is so *wrong* with the truth, so disgusting about the truth, so horrible that people see a need to keep it from their children?

What purpose does hiding the truth provide? What will come of children who are told that their penis is a doodle, that a baby gets there if you stop taking your tablets, that babies come out of your belly button, that touching yourself is disgusting, that a 12 year old prancing around the house naked is told by her parents "cover yourself up, you're a lady now!", what about those children who have no idea about sex - that is is something pleasureable, something special between two people, something that can create life.............

Obviously they are going to learn the truth one day....but what has being told these untruths done in the meantime?

[Susan]

I agree. We are open and honest with our children and answer their questions respectfully. I think if they have the interest and want to know then it is a great opportunity. I think a lack of openness can lead to feelings of shame and guilt and are not condusive to the development of healthy self image and sexuality. We can be wonderful role models for our children and foster real pride and knowing of their bodies and life. There is enormous power in fully understanding and truly loving your body. Maybe your friends believe they are doing the same by "protecting" their children.

[AmyS]

I think my 3 1/2 year old knows more about having babies than I do by now!. I've always been honest with her and she has such a fascination with the whole thing, including how babies are made. We always use the correct terms too. I think it's sad that parents are so uncomfortable with everything that they lie to their children. And by 9?? Many 9 year olds are getting the start of breasts, periods etc. Surely they would hear things at school too?? I'd hate to think my children thought they couldn't trust me to answer their questions honestly :(

[Marguerite]

I had no idea people told their children such crap.

Wouldn't talking about these things openly and honestly right from the start without shame and using correct terms make it easier in the long run? It is pretty hard to feel embarrassed talking to a toddler or pre-schooler.

My girls know more about moon blood than I did into my teens.

[mammadyl]

I think its about whats age appropriate too..I am truthful about whats happening, to the point my ds can understand if that makes sense? ie ds knows the baby will come out my vagina and that it takes two people to make our baby, me and dp. For now, thats answered his questions and no doubt he will have more, and like always I answer them

DS knows the REAL names for things, and no slang names which I am happy about, I am sure that he will pick things up as he spends more time with other kids, but thankfully he knows what things are really called - really impt in terms of being comfortable and having ownership of their bodies..imo

For me death comes into this too, as something else that is made taboo when it really is just part of life.

and really, telling kids that babies come out of belly buttons....!

[emd]

Funny, I was just having a conversation with Sophia (4yo) this afternoon, as she'd got her words confused in referring to a body part. I explained to her that it is important to use the right words when talking about body parts, so that other people can understand what body part you mean. Just think about it from a child safety point of view...

Birth has been trickier in our household. Because I have no choice but caesarean birth, we've explained the basics as "mummy goes to hospital, the doctor cuts mummy's tummy after she's had special medicine so it won't hurt, he takes out the baby, then he sews mummy's tummy up again". We've also explained that this is not a normal birth, and that most babies don't need any help - they just come out all by themselves, when they're ready. It's a delicate balance of telling the truth, and not scaring the crap out of her.

[Nyree]

Along the same lines, a couple of weeks ago, we had a gathering for DD's 3rd birthday at a park with ducks. My mum was telling DD that the ones with the curly tails were boy ducks & it meant that they were ready to make babies with the girl ducks. My Dad & step-mother were horrified to hear Mum say this. Didn't worry DD or myself in the slightest. Mum was always open to any questions we had & the whole 'birds & bees' was learned casually throughout childhood.

[jezza]

I'm also amazed with the bellybutton story - that's so old school!

We've always explained things honestly, and at an age-appropriate level. So the discussion began with it taking a mother and a father to make a baby, but not being specific about how exactly the sperm got to the egg. Once dd was ready she asked that question and I explained everything in more detail (she was 5 by then). About a year or two later she asked me to explain it again, this time ds was in the car. I went through everything about how babies were made and asked them both if they had any more questions. dd said no. ds also said no, but after a moment's thought said he did have another question, "Mummy, how are racing cars made?". I had to admit that I didn't have such a good answer for that question.

J

[tamarab30]

Unfortunately one day they will have to sit these children down and tell them the whole story in one complete go - it sounds like these poor children will be awfully confused. I believe it's much better to answer their questions truthfully when they are asked. Children usually only ask questions that are relevant to their age anyway. "Mummy, how did the baby get in your tummy?" - Mummy and Daddy have a warm and special cuddle and a baby is made. My children asked this usually between 3 - 5 and were happy with the answer and didn't need to know and didn't ask any more at that point. When asked how the baby gets out, I always said that I had pains in my tummy like I needed to do a big poo and then I knew it was time for the baby to born and pushed it out. Probably not the sweetest idea for them lol but they were happy with the answer and I thought it was enough info for them at the time.

I hope that they end up finding out the truth from an adult before their friends find out what they believe is the truth and tease them about it.

[Jakaluma]

I find it totally bizarre that people have a problem with explaining birth to toddlers and young children. It is so normal and natural and unoffensive. Young children also accept it all totally, they don't have fears or phobias about it and they learn it gradually - never have to have that "sit down I have something to tell you" talk which has been known to traumatise a bit older children. ("you mean Daddy does THAT to Mummy?" "what do you mean the baby comes out there?") It is a gradual learning with knowledge building up over many years, and different family/friends having different things happen to prompt more interest.

Very sad, because I'm sure that a lot of children spouted such crap are going to have a big shock when they find out what really happens, and for them, it won't be positive because they'll be wondering why there were misled for so long. Instead of it being a lovely natural thing, it'll be a scary there's something wrong with it line of thought which is hugely influence future state of mind/decisions.