Choices and consequences.

[Dorasmum]

Have you, and how have you ever doubted your choices as a parent, ever thought that maybe you've done the wrong thing but it's too late to change it? Have you ever not wanted to admit such to family or friends to save face?

Me it's things that are making things hard as a parent now and I'm thinking, well maybe the mainstream way would have worked better with this child, but then I think, well I know it'll make all the difference in the long haul. But it's hard to keep sight of that at 3 in the morning with a grouchy bundle wanting her third feed for the night and your eyes are so scratchy and then half an hour later you realise you won't be able to get back to sleep......so you lie there longing for a peacefully sleeping bub that all your friends tell you they have.

And then there's the looks that you get when the times you tell someone that neither child is vaxxed, makes you get that horrid sick feeling in the pit of you gut, Oh god have I done the right thing.

And then you have to admit all of the above to the health nurse and the look of pity, like I'm a fool.. Yes I doubt myself a lot. Being the odd one out in my circle of friends isn't easy.

Even now as DD1 is pre-school age at 5 1/2 and she isn't starting till second semester after we've moved towns. My friends who's kids have been in school for a year and a half say the odd thing that lets me know quite clearly that they think I'm being neglectful, in a nice way, but I know they think it. Never mind the fact that she is keeping up with everything they are learning academically on her own with little input from me, she's a smart little cookie and I've no doubts that she will settle in perfectly well. But I still worry when she says "I'm bored Mum, why can't I go to school with the other kids".

Well they are healthy, happy, invidual little beings so I shouldn't worry but isn't it human to doubt?

Em

[GreenGully]

I don't worry and I don't doubt myself. My choices are all well informed and evidence based ( I believe - I am open to learning new ways of doing things and my parenting in always evolving). If I were unsure then I would do more research until I were. I do my best to associate mostly with people who share my beliefs or at least respect them. Its when I do things that go against my convictions "in the moment" that I later regret, usually due to a lack of support or fatigue.

[emd]

I've noticed that lack of sleep really affects my parenting confidence. So does an inability to breastfeed the way I want to. So my solution is to spend a day at home just breastfeeding and sleeping when I'm lacking in confidence.

[tamarab30]

Hey Dorasmum
It sounds like you need a big hug - so here's a BIG HUG!!!!

[hanabi]

They're all wrong and you're right Dorasmum!

If you grew up in a tribe of pygmies, you wouldn't be facing these social pressures. They'd think you were completely normal.

[mammadyl]

hugs Dorasmum
can you spend some more time around like minded individuals?

i hear you with the doubts - for me, looking at the smile on my sons face every night he goes to sleep (even now!!) and the way he interacts with others and me is all the reassurance I need (when I need it!). Ultimately, when people question the way I do things I ask them to have a look at ds - they cannot argue with a healthy, happy, inquisitive, cheeky, loving little boy!!

I think self-questioning every now and again is a valuable tool for assessing where we are, if we are where we want to be, and if not, gives us the opportunity to explore new options.

Trust your gut, and take a look at your happy little girls and the way they look at you

[lrning2b]

Ok the expert on contradiction... me

I have been the way I am most my life. I had as close to a natural upbringing as you can get for southern California: co sleeping, alternative health, nutrition etc etc. My parents are, what I like to call, conservative hippies (no nudist colonies or illicit drug use).
And so when I came to Australia my parenting practices were not only strange but foreign. Most people passed it off as my foreigness. Which suited me at the time. So for many years I heard all sorts of what I call "Old wives tales". Which were really mainstream thinking. My favorites are "your baby only smiles when it has wind" and "babies are born blind". This is one of the reasons I truly enjoy this forum. There are actually people out there like me.
I have come up with my own theories as to what living a contradictory life does for a parent and a child. I have had 14+years to develop my theory now.
Firstly, as a parent, it calls the parent to be more aware. More aware of how society plays such a great part in the progress of a people; how influences of the media, medicine, education can take what we want for our children and mold into what only they want. This awareness in turn pushes the parent to be fastidious in their methods of teaching their precious and innocent children. To guard against useless influences.
Secondly, as a child, I believe a contradictory life helps them to be on guard as to what is brought into their life spectrum. They can become critical thinkers. In teen years it helps that they are already in a way "rebelling" against society. But this rebellion is under the guidance of a loving parent. We have less a chance of losing our child to mainstream thinking.

You are obviously an intelligent woman. Think about it logically and non emotionally. How many people go along in their parenting lives just following what their neighbour is doing? How many people think about vaccination pro or con? Do they just do it because they are told to do it? Probably. Do not let yourself think that because you are not mainstream that you are doing something wrong. If you make a choice it is because with the knowledge you have at the time it was the best choice you could see. That is imparting intelligence on your children. Not following blindly.
We don't need even to take everything from this forum as an ultimate truth. Because I know for myself it is frequently not. Life calls for questioning. Teach your child to question everything and never doubt that you are doing the right thing.

[RubyRoo]

Brilliant post lring2b! You've said it all beautifully! I'll just add that those who point the finger could be the ones who have some questions about their own parenting practices, and whether the (mainstream) choices they are making are so good after all....they just aren't as strong in themselves as you are, to reflect on their practice and learn different ways of being. Keep doing what you're doing, as long as it feels right for you and your family.

[Dorasmum]

Well ok, think on this, maybe a lot of you have made the choices on co-sleeping, vaxxing, Bf etc etc, after your own research...ie it was your choice. I'm realising currently that all I'm doing is following my Mother. I am doing it exactly the same way I was brought up. On a farm, Bf till 3, fresh ground flour, fresh goats milk, homemade soap, home grown meat, completely SAHM, she still doesn't work although her youngest is 22. I think that makes me lucky! yes I do think it's the right way but I never even looked at any other options.(I haven't managed the farm/goatsmilk/soap bit! but I do grind flour sometimes) Can you see what I'm getting at? So when I get questioned as to my reasons or proof of research or something I have no answers apart from Well that's how my mum did it and it feels right. And I'm not quick enough to come up with an intelligent answer otherwise. My mum did vax however but has since bitterly regretted it and spent 20 years doing a lot of reseach on it herself, most of which she passed on to me.
So if she had bottle fed and put me in daycare at 6 months I probably would have done the same thing. I would hope that I would have been smart enough to see a different way but my mum has a lot of sway over me. I would almost call it control sometimes, although she doesn't mean it.

So I guess although I am 100% sure I'm doing the right thing in most areas, I feel like I don't have the academic proof to back me up, or at least a intelligible way of expressing it. Oh and it may just have a massive amount to do with my huge lack of self confidence in myself as a person, it transfers into self doubt in other areas.

I am glad to hear you're all so confident with your choices. It does take guts sometimes to swim upstream. I wish I could hang more with like minded people IRL but they are few and far between and I find it hard enough to make friends already. Not everybody is as open and giving as you lot!

Ta gals, Em

[smurray]

Hi Em,

Here's a hug for you!

I was really touched by your post. I think I have doubted and questioned almost every aspect of my parenting, at some time or another. There is a type of personality that is just a questioner.... I think thats me!

I was thinking about what you wrote about your mum.... geez having a child seems to bring up all of these issues in our relationships with our parents.

Since I had DD I have suddenly had a lot more issues with my mum ... the 'stuck' places in our relationship, like the line between controlling and helping. If I want her help with DD, does that mean I need to listen to her advice? Christmas was difficult for me in a way that it hadn't been for years !

I really have had to grieve some aspects of my childhood. Thats coming from someone who had a wonderful childhood in many ways... my mum also bf for a year, was a SAHM, baked her own bread, sewed all our clothes. But on the other hand... I wonder sometimes. I have memories of my childhood of feeling emotionally lonely, and not being free to express my needs. My Dad was a typical father of the time... not so involved. She was busy being a wonderful mum. Could she have asked for more support rather than do it all on her own? I just wonder if sometimes the simple things were overlooked.

So anyway, I guess I am thinking now that for me, as a parent, having the motivation to connect as a real person with my child is the most important thing. Giving her the gifts of my attention, my listening and my 'real'ness.... and not trying to do it all on my own, without support.