Own baggage is weighing me down

mumamia · #1 (**permalink**) 29-07-2008, 04:28 PM

Hi everyone, I was just wondering if anybody could suggest what I could do to help me overcome something which is starting to overwhelm me. I have a beautiful intelligent and curious 7 year old son who I adore (and a 23mth old son who I feel the same about) but he is going through the natural curiosities that our children do. I found him playing with a little girl and somehow she end up being naked!! I know he is wanting to get a good look, he has asked me if he could look at my vagina a few weeks ago - and I explained that I wouldn't feel comefortable with that and as it is my body I get to say what goes.
Anyway heres the thing I KNOW what he is doing is natural curiosity, but I am a survivor of a druging and sexual attack that took place 11 years before his birth. I didn't go for councelling until he was 3 years of age when it suddenly caused me to go into flux after an operation (apparently the anesthetic used is closely related to the drug I was given). After this I believed I was moving on well. But I have to deal with my ALARM at predetory behaviour and this taints my view of my son at times and I believe I over reacted . I am ashamed to even write this but I think I need some support here. Any clues or suggestions?. None of my family know of what happened to me as I was travelling at the time and I'm afraid I will implant the idea that my son is somehow devient so I cant talk to them in case I over react. I dont know if this makes sense. i just want to raise and honorable man, and not do his head in with my baggage. Thanks

Marmee · #2 (**permalink**) 29-07-2008, 04:34 PM

I am wondering if talking to a counsellor might help now, too? I think you responded to your son's request perfectly. How did you respond when you saw him playing with his friend? Maybe having a chat to him about people's bodies being their own, them having this right to refuse any sort of actions on their body (being hit, pushed, clothes taken off, tummy touched etc) and HIM having the right to refuse these things too?

Haven't been in this sort of situation before - sorry I can't be of more help

2pips · #3 (**permalink**) 29-07-2008, 06:40 PM

I think you responded really well too. i would have said the same thing. I know at 7 yrs old it was a hot topic at school and there were lots of curious comments from all the kids. Now they are 8 they are actually addressing things like private space etc in class with videos and role play. Maybe have a chat to the teacher without being specific and asking her where they are in the curriculum in regard to personal space and stranger danger. They have support material for parents so you can find the right way to talk to him about it without it being an issue or abnormal.

I agree that maybe a counselor can help you. *hugs to you * and I hope you find some peace in this.

**sweetchili** · #4 (**permalink**) 29-07-2008, 07:55 PM

Sounds to me like you are handling things with your son in the right way.
I too think maybe now would be a good time to see a councelor, to sort out some of the things you are feeling, and to discuss ways of talking to your son.

One thing i was thinking was maybe you could do a hunt for books about boy and girls parts and privacy. I remember my mum had one that was really arty and nice.

Hugs to you. You are doing a good job.

hanabi · #5 (**permalink**) 30-07-2008, 01:42 PM

It think you can still respond to your son's curiosity with books. Not necessarily books about privacy and appropriate touching as suggested (still a good suggestion) but I just mean anatomical books showing both penises and vaginas, anything with the reproductive organs, images of babies in utero etc, and satisfy his direct sense of curiosity without attaching a moral/ethical message to that information.

mumamia · #6 (**permalink**) 30-07-2008, 03:01 PM

Thank you all for your hugs and words of advice. I think a book with pictures is a good idea to satisfy his need to find out. I am going to seek out a counsellor but it is hard to get care for my other child. Maybe phone counselling would be good to get me over the hump. Just writing and receiving the replies was theraputic for me (its not something that I talk about usually), so thanks again to you all Hugs M

Dorasmum · #7 (**permalink**) 30-07-2008, 03:25 PM

If writing it down helps, maybe get a diary and try and put some of your feelings on paper. I sometimes find it helps me gel what is actually going on instead of a jumble of feelings rushing round my head. Nothing like what you're going through but the principle might work. Then if you do go to see a counselor you could give it to them to read to help them understand more of what is going on. Hope you figure something out. Give it a bit of time too, he'll probably get bored and find something else to fixate on!! Kids usually do.

Em