Playful Parenting - dealing with aggression

[JulieTen]

Hi

Does anyone know where a good resource for playful parenting is online?

I love the concept but need a little further guidance!

Our issue at the moment is my 2.5 year old son who is displaying intimidation tactics and we're out of ideas on what to do!
My son will intimidate his younger sister or playmates by standing very close to them and roaring "like a T-rex" saying "T-rex scare ..." or by blurting very aggressively saying "elephant squirt water on ...." and usually the other child will cry. He seems pleased with this response. He usually reacts this way when he has not got something he wants, when I have asked him to share or will do it directly to an 'authority figure' if he has been repremanded in some way. HELP!!

His little sister is 10 months old and I wonder if it misplaced anxiousness or if he is 'stuck' trying to work through scary emotions??

We have tried taking him aside and explaining why we don't want to do that to our friends, trying to get him to apologise / see his friend is upset (although he seems happy with this effect) offering a cuddle, ignoring the blurting, playing with "what would we do if a t-rex scared us?", or "elephants only squirt water on themselves", directly telling him not to do it (when tired and desperate!) and lately tring to turn the blurting into a "love blurt" game where we 'catch' him and smother him in cuddles and kisses saying we love him in an exaggereated way (he loves it and giggles, the game could go on for hours) - this seems to have had the best response and whilst it stops the behaviour there and then this aggression still keeps happening!!

Does anyone have any suggestions or know where to go from here??

[emd]

Love the idea of turning the aggression into a loving game. Must remember to try it next time one of my little ones is losing the plot with tiredness and frustration.

Would it perhaps help to find other ways for him to express his aggression? He might need to learn ways to let people know that he doesn't like what they're doing/saying, or to release anger or upset feelings, without being so aggressive to others. I'm not sure how to teach a toddler to redirect their actions though.

[JulieTen]

Thank you for replying!

I think your idea about aggression redirection is excellent! Do you have any ideas/suggestions on how to facilitate this? also how would you go about teaching him other ways to 'vent'?

[emd]

I guess the redirection will be a very individual thing, depending on their personality and what triggers their aggression.

In our house, it's quite OK for kids to take themselves off to their bedroom and have a good old tanty if they want. Scream, cry, shout whatever - just don't take it out on other people. I go in when they've calmed down a little and talk to them about what's upset them, and what we're going to do about it.
We also teach the girls to put their hand up and say "no" or "stop" if they don't like what someone is doing to them (eg toy stealing, invading personal space, hitting) and to get an adult if the other person persists.
Physical activity (eg dancing, running around the garden, soccer, going to the garden to hit inanimate objects with a stick) can be useful.

I try to reinforce that it's normal to feel angry or upset when someone has done something unfair to them, but that violence towards other people is not an acceptable reaction. Throwing toys in their bedroom, however, is quite OK to release tension, and then we can talk about a more rational way to resolve the conflict.

[lcorteen]

I find asking them to 'stop' and 'calm down' and tell me their story helps diffuse the situation. Then I can explain what the appropriate response for them is... but my youngest is 3.5, so her ability to reason is better than when she was 2.5.

BUT I really think kids can reason before we give them credit its just their impulse control that doesn't kick in till later... so reinforcing the implications of their actions and, importantly, what a more appropriate response might be has been really helpful for us, because by the time impulse control does kick in they have heard many times the reason as to why they should control their impulses (doesn't always mean they do though).

DD2 (3.5) is still working on it! (so am I sometimes! LOL), so interested to hear other ideas too! Calm repetition (and more repetition!) has worked for us... eventually.

I love the 'loving game' - sounds like a great way to break the pattern of behaviour.

[JulieTen]

Thanks guys, will definately give your suggestions a go!

[mummyjen]

My 3 1/4 hear old DS is also reacting like this to his 11 month old sister. He just seems constantly angry at her, and I'm tired of mediating and asking him nicely to use his "friendly hands". It only works until the next time she pees him off. Lately, he's been on a lot of time-outs, and to his bedroom when he's really mean to her. He seems to get worse though, when he's out of favour with Mum and Dad.

I don't want him to have to have to swallow his emotions, but find a healthy outlet, so I hate asking him to stop shouting and stop reacting to her (because she IS very annoying and is always getting in his face!), but have been at a loss about what is the best way for him to vent.
I'm definitely going to try letting him act out in his room or in the backyard! Thanks for that tip!

In answer to your question, the things that do seem to work for us are:

Give him a special area just for "big boys" where babies can't go. When he is getting frustrated with his sister and needs some space, he can go there. We use chairs (a play pen would be good) to cordon off an area for him to play.

We also praise him heaps when he's gentle with his sister (doesn't last as long, though!)

We also allow him to have a couple of special toys that he doesn't have to share with her.

Also, if she has a toy of his that he wants a turn of, we tell him he can have it in one minute, and put the timer on on the microwave, then it's his turn (by which time she's usually lost interest anyway).

If he takes a toy from her, we ask that he gives her a different toy to play with instead. For now, it works well, and they both seem to be happy with it. If she cries, we make DS wait using the timer instead.

I hope this helps just a little. I know how exasperating this sibling rivalry is!!!!
Jenny

[mummyjen]

P.S. I also spend a lot of time mediating between them while they play, so that it's not always toddler DS making concessions for baby DD, but that she gives way a little for him too.

[mummyjen]

One last thing. My husband uses tickle games and such to distract DS (3 1/4) when he's throwing tantrums etc. Do you think this (similar to the "loving game") is a good thing, as they're getting a lot of attention for misbehaving?

[JAK]

I like the idea of tickle games etc, I've done similar things to diffuse the situation with ds.

One thing that I did and do with ds is empathise with how he is feeling at the time. So I tell him that he must be feeling quite frustrated atm because he wants x but can't have it (or whatever the situation is). Then I go through a few options that are available to him, so he can't do x but he can do y or play with .....

So while playful parenting is a great tool to have, you need to guide or teach the child what behaviours are acceptable (and not all children will just pick this up by watching, many will need explicit teaching for this). Also, anger and aggressive behaviours are fairly normal within the 2.5yr old age group, especially if the child has any speech issues (not saying that yours does, but it's always good to remember that it's frustrating in itself to not be able to communicate effectively).

I do similarly to Emma. I always debrief afterwards, about what ds did that I didn't like, why I didn't like it and what he can do next time. It does take time though, but it also does pass.