need so help with behaviour

[sweetchili]

Honestly i dont know if anyone here can help, because Cj's situation is so unique but although we are having some triumphs at the moment with him looking like he might crawl, i am strugling with some behaviour issues.

Two things;

Sleep time;
I am finding that Cj is waking a fair bit through the night at the moment. Ever since he got hand foot and mouth so maybe he is still recovering.

about two months ago we put him in a new cot in his own bed in his own room, but still left his old cot in our room 'sidecar' so he could come in with us if he wanted. Up until him getting sick it worked fine. our rooms are really close so i can hear his movement and breathing from our room. and we all seemed to be getting better sleep.

Cj has never been really huggy..and doesnt seem to get a lot of comfort from physical touch when he is upset. even when he was in our room, he would roll away from me, and not want to snuggle.

While he was sick he did seem to want to snuggle, but now he has gone back to pushing me away.

So he is waking up crying/squeeling, and doesnt want to be in bed, but when i try to comfort him he still squeels and cries and pushes me away..and just generally doesnt seem to know what he wants.

i am just finding this so hard, and frustrating. I want to be able to calm him down, i want him to want me, so it hurts when i cant seem to do anything to help him. i brought him into our room the last two nights and it didnt make any difference..he didnt want to be close to me, but couldnt sleep. so it just ment that him and i got frustrated and dh didnt get good sleep.

i have tried forcing him to stay close too, to see if after a bit he will relax and snuggle....holding tight into me, but he just gets more frustrated and angry at me.

Food time;
Cj loves his food, because it takes him so long to eat each meal and snack though it just seems like he is eating ALL day.

the biggest issue at the moment is though, that when he decides he is hungry..he wants food right then and there. and will scream and carry on until he gets it. like you would expect of a demand fed baby.
at 16 months old(i know he is not a typical child) it just seems a little extream, and like 'un-e-ceptable behaviour'(thanks supernanny).

and i really dont want him to learn that he needs to scream and carry on top get fed. It's not a good thing for him to continue into the future.

We have tried waiting for him to calm down...but he doesn't. we have tried using things like 'stop'..and signing to him... and using distractions while i get his food ready, and trying to show him that i am getting it ready, give him a drink while he waits,....nothing works he just gets more and more upset...even though he usually only has to wait up to ten minutes.....i even once smacked him on the hand(hate myself for that one) but as he showed when i did it...he just thought he was being hurt and that i was being mean to him...not that it was because of what he was doing.

the best thing is when i can get him fed before he gets hungry but i am so not routine, and he has followed that trend, so just seems to realise he is hungry at different times of the day.....maybe i do really need to get us into a routine for his sake...but its so hard for me..and then to work around all his appoinments and things which are always at different times......

its just going to be so hard to teach him things when he just doesnt have any concept of wrong and right, or 'stop' or 'wait' or what disaplin is, or following rules....and no comunication skills..

i dont know what to do, and how he is going to learn to wait...especially as he is going to have to learn to wait a bit more sometimes after this next wee'un arrives.


eek! what do i do!!!!???

[Marguerite]

His really is a unique situation. I would not know where to start except asking about his food. Does he have any food that you could leave prepared in the fridge so as soon as he is ready you can quickly grab, or does it need preparation on the spot?

[tamarab30]

I hear u R'ee. In relation to the food - could you have a cup of milk (for example) ready in the fridge to give him while you prepare his food? Or perhaps each morning while you're drinking ur coffee or whatever, place some crackers with dip, or chopped up fruit into a container and leave it in the fridge for when he is ready to eat. It may just be enough to distract him in the high chair while you get his main meal ready.
Or pack a lunch box for him in the morning as though he was going off to school and have it in the fridge to grab stuff out of when you need?
Sleep - I have no real advice. Your situation is very unique, as is mine and it was a real struggle for me to medicate my son so he would sleep. Medication was not given to him to get him to sleep through the night, it was given to him to get him to sleep longer periods than 10-15 mins at a time (and no, I'm not exaggerating).
R'ee, the main thing (which is the hardest thing) is acceptance from you of the situation. There are no right or wrong answers or outcomes in your situation. At times it does some bleak (for me anyway) but taking each day as it comes, and doing what you need to do for that day only, and not worrying about the effects, is all you can do. Healthy children don't come with a manual, but sure are easier to know what is going on with them and what you do and the effects of that. With darling little children like CJ and Sam, there are no even basic guidelines.
Gosh Im rambling. Not sure now I've re-read my post it even makes any sense. Just know that while no-one can probably give you any answers, I am with you on this rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I feel dizzy and want to get off, but needs (and problems) change continually and you will get through this difficult time.
Everyone here at NP is with you on your journey xxx

[emd]

Gosh R'ee, I hope this phase passes quickly for you!
Sleep - Jools used to do the same thing around 9 months. The key was to be consistent and persistent in establishing a "go back to sleep" routine - for her, I used to pat back to sleep. I wonder if there's something that does comfort CJ that you could do when he wakes at night? Maybe a special teddy in his bed at sleep time, or sing a lullaby at bedtime and then each time he wakes? In the end, I got support from a sleep school to implement our sleep plan... having someone to support you in putting the plan into practice is really important. There might be something in No Cry Sleep Solution that would help you?

Food - Billy does this. I have read-to-eat snacks on hand at all times. He's an eating machine, and I love his enthusiasm for food. Biscuits, bread, bananas and dates are Billy's favourite "keep the mouth busy while mummy gets the real meal".

[possum]

Sorry you are having a hard time atm R'ee.
a couple of things that come to mind would be
for sleep try some music you can put on for him i would suggest something repetitive/white noise ( i love white noise cd's it was the only way my DD wouold sleep for more than 30min) a child i once cared for used to have one of those soft "Barney" dinosaurs that sang a song when you pushed a button he would just push it over and over it was a comfort to him drove us all mad mind you but so did his screaming! As for not wanting you close I know that is a really hard thing. maybe just being able to see you is all he needs? maybe you could try singing a song?
Food i agree with having some things prepared in the fridge although that is still not going to help if its not what he wants!
Have you thought about starting a photo board of things you do his favourite toys, foods piccys of you and hubby he can learn to point to what he wants rather than you guessing and him screaming till you get it right! and Eventually routines,get up brekky teeth ect it will make things much easier later as you will proberly find he will need a strict routine so it doesnt flip out on you if you changed something!
Just some ideas and things that worked for me (i was a disability support worker)
Hope it helps

[sweetchili]

Thank-you so much everyone for your tips and ideas and support....its funny and probably a one off..but tonight CJ didnt winge or scream for his dinner at all!! and he had to wait even longer than usual because as soon as he woke up we had to pop over to dh parents to feed their cat. maybe it was a good distraction!

I think the problem is that i have been trying to feed cj what we are eating(just a bit more mashed up) at dinner and i am usually still cooking it when he decides he wants to eat, so i huridly try and finish it so we can all eat together.....i have tried giving him a drink to sip while he waits and put toys on his tray. I hadnt really tried giving him snacks to munch on though...that makes sense..so will try that.

at sleep i play different relaxation music cd's for him, and always put them back on when he wakes. he also has a mobile with nature sounds that he really likes which i turn on too. they seem to comfort him more than i do.
Am thinking....if he is in pain or getting sick of struggling to breath when he wakes and has trouble to get back to sleep? i just wish he could tell me, which i guess is the same as most babies who cant yet communicate. I will definatly try singing to him, or maybe making up a story to tell him, to try and relax him.

thanks again

[sweetchili]

leah, we are definatly looking at different communication methods, and also hope to start seeing a speachie soon who should be able to help us with different ideas. i am not confident though how much he even understands at this point, but we are definately trying signs and have some boardmaker pictures.
thanks for your hints! I bet you have some great ideas from what you have experienced.

[tamarab30]

Another thing R'ee - if you want Cj to have what you are eating is when you are making your dinner, keep your night's dinner for the next night for CJ. That is what I do for Sam, as he eats at about 4.30pm, and I could never get all our dinner ready that early, so Sam eats what we are eating but one night behind.

[emd]

Great idea Tamara! Sometimes I do that with Billy's dinner, if we're eating something that isn't baby-suitable.

[possum]

great to hear you had at least one good night!