Violent/angry children

[Marmee]

We were out at a party the other day and there was one little 5 year old boy there, whose parents didn't stay, who was just attacking the other boys. Our son got punched in the eye - a huge red welt. Other boys were being wrestled, punched, pushed, kicked.....

He was the nephew of the host. She just said "he doesn't know how to interact with other children"

It's got me thinking.....and I know there are a stack of answers / thoughts.....I'm interested to hear what you think ~

1. Why are some children more violent than others? What is it that creates / contributes to this behaviour?

2. How can we, as either the victim's or the perpetrator's parents, respond to the behaviour appropriately?


Our son was very hurt. He looked to me to help him work it out. I found it very difficult to respond, as this child had seriously hurt my little boy, so I was obviously not impressed.....but I also found it difficult to work with this child, whom is obviously in need of support.

What to do?

[Jasper]

No idea. My nephew is like this, well, not that bad, but hes definatly very agressive in both action and words. When you find the answer can you let me know?

[0BleSseD0]

What sort of stupid excuse is "He just doesn't know"??
He won't unless you tell/ show him and OH MY GAWD I would be ropeable if some child punched mine and Mum didn't even tell him off.

Why kids are allowed to get away with beating up other kids I will never know...

I totally think parents are to blame when it comes to small children being allowed to act like that.. Punch another kid in the face, no reaction from Mum.
Oh, it must be okay so I will do it again!

[Marmee]

It *was* frustrating. The parents weren't there - and that made it harder for me to do anything.

Any ideas on the following :

Originally Posted by Marmee

1. Why are some children more violent than others? What is it that creates / contributes to this behaviour?

2. How can we, as either the victim's or the perpetrator's parents, respond to the behaviour appropriately?

[Dorasmum]

I think it's partly a learned behaviour but also I think it's partly human instinct to be physical. We have to teach kids right from wrong and that is part of it. What is the saying something about we don't have to teach kids how to be naughty but we do have to teach them how to be good. My children aren't violent with other children or with each other because I've always never let them get away with it if it starts, and I'm careful who they play with. Maybe boys are more likely to as well? I'm not sure, my brothers and I always used to hit each other a lot, but not other kids. Only as sibling infighting.

But to the questions, What contributes to the behaviour? Maybe things like frustrations at home, they have no other way of outwardly expressing them selves. Probably many have undiagnosed food allergies. Bad role models. Burnt out parents that have given up.

To respond as the perpetrator's parent, it would mean instant action, not something the child should be able to get away with, apology and possibly even leaving the venue if it was bad enough. As the victims parent it's a hard one, I've been guilty of giving a dirty look or two at a child and mother when no action was taken but I'm not forward enough to insist on discipline or to speak to the other child.

Em

[0BleSseD0]

Originally Posted by Marmee

It *was* frustrating. The parents weren't there - and that made it harder for me to do anything.

Really?? Wow that would have made it difficult. Wonder why they weren't there...

Ok Ok so you want the questions addressed.. Here goes.

Originally Posted by Marmee

1. Why are some children more violent than others? What is it that creates / contributes to this behaviour?

I have no idea what the cause would be, but some contributing factors like:
Exposure to other kids with that behaviour
Not being guided properly
Seeking attention
Being overwhelmed, overstimulated or tired
Diet and overall lifestyle.
I think its totally a nurture thing.

Originally Posted by Marmee

2. How can we, as either the victim's or the perpetrator's parents, respond to the behaviour appropriately?

As the parents of a child who did that to others I would be introducing limits on things. For example if at a park or kid gym and my child hits another, the fun stops and we go home.
Lot of talking about it and discussing how it might make the 'victims' feel.

As the victims parents, I feel I have the right to tell another child 'please don't do that' and will stand between my child and them if need be. I feel I should be allowed to defend my child properly.
I would expect a parent or carer to tell their child off or to remove them from the situation and apologise.

Like I said to Brett the other day after an 'incident'
"If I have to hold your child so he doesn't fall over the railing and onto the floor after trying to 'break in' then I expect a thank you, or even a quick nod to acknowledge I was even there."


I would think that the child who has been aggressive should be taken away from the situation, regardless. I do not think my child should have to 'tolerate' being beaten up by another child just because their parents aren't there or are too slack.


Its a very sensitive issue for me..

I'm with Dorasmum, I never let my kids get away with it and I am also careful who they play with.

[Marmee]

Originally Posted by 0BleSseD0

I think its totally a nurture thing.

Really? So nature has no part in it? (just thinking out loud....I'm not saying I don't agree with you....something for me to think about )

Originally Posted by 0BleSseD0

As the victims parents, I feel I have the right to tell another child 'please don't do that' and will stand between my child and them if need be. I feel I should be allowed to defend my child properly.

Absolutely!

But what if the parent's do nothing?

This is what I found/find difficult.

It's not fair to remove my child from the fun just so he / she can be safe....but sometimes it's the only option. But - is that showing our children the right way to work through something? Just remove yourself from what you are enjoying?

[0BleSseD0]

Originally Posted by Marmee

Really? So nature has no part in it? (just thinking out loud....I'm not saying I don't agree with you....something for me to think about )





Absolutely!

But what if the parent's do nothing?

This is what I found/find difficult.

It's not fair to remove my child from the fun just so he / she can be safe....but sometimes it's the only option. But - is that showing our children the right way to work through something? Just remove yourself from what you are enjoying?

No it is not fair that the victim would have to leave because of the bully. Not at all.

I didn't mean not at all Nature, I mean I think children portray behaviour in a way that has been purposefully or inadvertently taught to them.

Did you say anything to this child? Was he beating kids up for the reaction (did he hit and then watch your child?) or was he just a bully tornado.. (beating up everyone everywhere)

[Marmee]

Bully tornado.

And I spoke to the child, all the while thinking "he knows no better. He needs support. He needs someone who cares for him to be here to see this, to help work with him. This is not my role."

I said something along the lines of "please stop playing roughly. DS doesn't like being punched. (Insert other child's name in ) doesn't like (insert action). (Insert other child's name) doesn't like (insert action). DS is coming back to play with you (it was our son's choice as he wanted to play in the game). Can you play nicely, please?"

It seemed stupid, though. Play nicely! (I know I used that phrase) Dumb dumb dumb! I would have prefered to offer a positive alternative....But I didn't want to redirect anyone's play. I didn't want to sit this child out. I didn't feel it my role.

He didn't hurt DS again...but continued to go on hurting others. He just seemed to seek someone out and then keep at them.

[0BleSseD0]

My guess would be overwhelmed (or even stressed) plus party food.


It sucks that he didn't have the right 'parental guidance' and ruined the party for every other kid. >(