Pre-schooler stealing - suggestions?

[melissa.r]

Over the course of several months I have noticed that my 4yo is stealing small items and putting them in her pocket such as rings from the 'home corner' at kinder, lipstick from her grandmas house and things like a small crystal from her naturopaths office. When I find these items in her pocket I show her that I have found them and tell her that we need to return the item to whoever owns it (I am not angry at her). This usually comes along with a lie from her about where she found the item, which I don't get caught up in but just tell her that I know she has taken it and it needs to be returned. My feeling is that this behaviour is 'normal' for her age but it is becoming more regular and concerning me. I believe it is motivated by her overwhelming desire to have something and having little impulse control. I have been having conversations with her about the difference between stealing and borrowing, how it might hurt the person she takes it from etc etc.
Any words of wisdom or suggestions??

[hanabi]

Could she benefit from getting a little bit of pocket money to spend on some 'treasures' of her own?

[meitaimama]

I went through a phase at about that age when I used to steal from kindy/preschool. I was so frustrated by not being able to play with certain popular toys because I wasn't part of the in-crowd; so I stole things like the tiny baby doll from the dolls house, which everyone wanted to play with but only the cool girls actually got to touch. Your dd may be different but for me it wasn't about lack of impulse control - it was very calculated and more about regaining power in my life. I had always had plenty of friends but for the first time in my life I found myself in a social environment which was competetive, socially hierarchical and generally unpleasant. I'm sure it didn't seem that bad to anyone else but at the time it seemed awful to me.

I think that for many children stealing is about feeling that they can be in control of something when they feel disempowered; sure, they often want to possess the specific object, but I think there can be more to it than just that.

[meitaimama]

A few more thoughts on my experience as a juvenile criminal.... I have to say that this is just my personal experience - I have no idea if other kids feel this way or if my ideas about how I would deal with it as a parent are remotely effective.
I really thought that nobody knew I was stealing things - that I wouldn't be discovered. I thought that if I wasn't actually seen, that there was no way anyone could link me to the theft.... of course, I didn't think about the fact that I actually had the 'evidence' in my possession or other circumstantial evidence linking me to the theft. I think if this had been explained to me, I would have been less likely to do it - I would have been embarrassed to think that people actually suspected me. It is kind of addictive just being able to take stuff that you want and feeling that there are no consequences. Maybe I'm making a big assumption, but I think that most people will have stolen something at some point in their lives, even if it's just stationery from work. It's a kick getting something for nothing, even if it's worth very little. But even young children know that stealing is wrong and don't want to get caught - I think that realising they're not the master criminals they think they are is a good way to get them to stop!

I thought it was morally OK because it was essentially a victimless crime. I would think 'Oh, it'll never be missed'; or, 'She doesn't really appreciate it'. A lot of the time this really was the case - a bright kid will not be fooled by a parent telling them how sad the owner will be, if it's obvious the item was never important to them. Sometimes I would take something from kindy so that other children couldn't play with it - just because they were horrible bullies and I thought they deserved it. I know this sounds horrendous but I wasn't generally a mean child - just angry at certain people. I hated the restrictions of a formal education environment and in a way I was just rebelling. Any kind of moral argument about how the owner was feeling would not really have had an effect on me.

In spite of all this, I felt horribly guilty and ashamed about it all and never played with anything I stole. I still have the tiny baby doll I stole from the kindy dolls's house and have always felt terrible every time I looked at it. If my parents had got me to explore my feelings about this, I think it would have been a better deterrent! Deep down I would like to have been able to put everything back w/o being found out. As a parent I would offer to help a child out by doing this at least once or enabling them to do it. I know this sounds like bailing a child out w/o forcing them to face natural consequences but I honestly don't think that getting the child to 'face the music' deals with the root cause of the problem. If a child is already being secretive she will be even more so if she feels that there will be unpleasant consequences if/when her parents/teachers/caregivers find out. A 4yo will know that it's wrong and probably be terribly worried about being found out and disappointing her parents and being publicly branded a thief; so I think it is important for parents to be reassuring that she is not a terrible person and give her all the support she needs. Humour can be good. It's easy for parents to feel horrifed and very concerned that thier child is a thief and I think this can get easily transmitted to the child. Taking me to the teacher and getting me to confess/explain/replace stolen goods was a mortifying experience and something I definitely would not do with my child if she was stealing. The child need to feel MORE empowered in order to stop stealing and this has the opposite effect. I think parents definitely need to acknowledge that they know about it but in a supportive way that means the child doesn't have to lose face or be humiliated. I would ask the child things like, "OK, so what are we going to do with this? Do you really want to keep it or does it make you feel bad? How are we going to get it back w/o anyone knowing? I think that your teacher knows you took it - do you want to say sorry?" i.e. show them that you're in it together, you're willing to help them, but also giving them the opportunity to be proactive about solving the problem.

Ultimately, for me it really was just a very short phase... I don't think the stealing per se is anything to worry about and sign of a future life of crime... but obviously the underlying causes are something to be explored.