Need help - I smacked my child

[Asha]

I am feeling very emotional right now and don't really know where to start.
I was smacked as a child and I have always had it in my head that I wouldn't smack my children. I didn't really know much about attachment parenting as such but I knew I didn't want to use that kind of technique for parenting. I have since read lots of bits and pieces on this website and am currently reading Unconditional Parenting (have been trying to read it for about 4 weeks now and not getting much time to do it)
I truly believe in my heart that any kind of smacking/spanking/tapping on hand etc is the wrong thing for us and that is why I am feeling so terrible at the moment. The last couple of months have been very challenging for me and I feel like I am at the end of my tether. Patience with my child
(1 1/2 years old) doesn't come naturally and 2 times in the last week I have snapped and given him a smack across the hand on one occasion and on the bum on another. Afterwards, I just felt sick to my stomach and close to tears especially when I see the look of bewilderment on his face. Both times it just happened so quickly before I had time to gather my thoughts about the situation. I am really, really scared that I am turning into the mother that I don't want to be. I have that horrible feeling in my stomach that just won't go away. After the first time, I felt so bad I was sure I wouldn't do it again so to have done it again makes me feel like a complete failure. It is really hard for me to write this - I know how caring and compassionate you all are but it I just feel like I shouldn't even be part of this forum now. How do mothers like yourselves cope with the stresses of life and bringing up a child without resorting to taking it out on them? How can I believe so strongly in something and then do the complete opposite?

[Jakaluma]

First, forgive yourself. (yes, I know that's not easy)

Maybe take yourself back into the emotions you were feeling (frustrated? out of control?) and then imagine a different outcome. Imagine changing your state of mind.

Another thing I've found is I imagine myself into my child - what are they thinking, feeling? How does the situation look from that angle?

And another thing I've done is pretend someone else is there, or a video camera - in other words, people are watching...

I have smacked in frustration too. :(

[kime]

I know it feels awful doesn't it. :( I have smacked dd1 maybe twice when I wasn't coping very well. But you are trying to turn it around and you will succeed. Your parents way of parenting doesn't have to be your way of parenting. For me I had to work on myself some so that I wasn't as stressed and likely to react so quickly. Getting enough 'me' time was very helpful - just going for a walk around the block or listening to some music by myself in the car really helped.

My parents smacked too. I think the other thing I have just realised is there is are particular emotional triggers for me for when I am more likely to react quickly without thought and one of them is if they have just really scared me (ie gone to touch the oven etc) and the other is if they have just really hurt me or some-one else in the family. These are obviously ingrained reactions from my past that I need to change.

[tamarab30]

Hugs Asha - no one on this forum is a perfect parent, so please do not feel like u should not be on this forum.
Every parent makes mistakes and does things that they regret.
Please try not to be so hard on yourself - I too, have smacked and yes, it was in anger, and more than once. It is not something I am proud of but I can only work on my mistakes and move forward. I have not smacked my children now for many years. It was a hard reaction to change though, as I also was smacked as a child.
Big hugs to you

[emd]

Kathi's advice is great, I'll try those things next time I'm feeling close to "losing it" with my boundary-testing big girls.

Being a good parent isn't about never making a mistake. It's about learning from your experiences so that you can evolve into something better.

[sudevi]

My baby is not that old, but I had a good practice for me when I was having trouble and frustration breastfeeding (pain), I would remember her smiling at me and my heart would melt, perhaps remember a special moment you had during the tough time, or a good tool is always to put yourself in their place. If you naturally feel bad, your motherly instincts are telling you something is not right.
Don't just forgive yourself, ask your child to forgive you.
Our culture tends to abuse anything inferior in any way, animals children etc, but our power should be used to protect not abuse.
Well done for wanting to stop the cycle!

[sudevi]

What about Australian Bush Flower remedies for your stress? I find them really helpful, even in labour! Or NLP for changing thought patterns ingrained in us from previous experiences?

[marchbean]

No advice, just wanted to offer you some love

No one is perfect, all we can do is keep trying and realize our mistakes.

[hanabi]

I have done it too. Regret is reinforcement.

[jezza]

I've done this too (more than once). Tried it out of frustration when nothing else seemed to work. Of course, it didn't work either, but left everyone feeling terrible. I did learn a lot from looking at why I chose to do that and what I could have done differently. I also have learnt a lot from talking to my children when challenging situations have happened and I haven't handled them too well (my kids are much older than yours tho 6 and 7). Like Sudevi said about forgiveness - it is important to let your child know if you feel sorry for your actions. They can see that I make mistakes, and we can talk about our ideas for communicating differently in future.

Take care, and I hope that you find lots of good ideas for other approaches in challenging situations.

J