5 year old that will not listen to mummy

[Winnie1]

Hi NP'ers

I've been absent for a little bit - we moved back to Brissy from o/seas a couple of months ago and its been a busy time getting our house in order - I had no idea I would still be unpacking months after, anyway....

This post is on behalf of my sister. She is a single mother to a 5 (6 in April) year old girl and lives away from the father. They have just been visiting over Christmas and I really feel my sisters frustration and have no idea what she can do.

The girl just will not listen, craves attention, not just from mummy, but anyone in sight and will not stop until she gets some kind of attention.

I realise she is only 5, but I really feel that my sister has no control over her own daughter and it just creates stress and unhappy moments. She asks her to do things nicely several times, explains why etc but in the ends resorts to yelling to get her message across.

For eg the daughter will constantly jump on her, want to sit in her lap, interrupt conversations quite loudly, want something that another child is having all of a sudden (eg a biscuit, water, hairbrush) want a hug at a really awkward moment like when my sister is eating lunch etc etc

To me it sounds like she is perhaps not getting enough one on one time with mummy, but should the behaviour extend to others so much? Because she really would not listen to any of us (aunts and uncles and grandparents) either. She would just want what she wants and how she wants it.

I will stop now, as I really don;t want to ramble one. BUt if anyone has any suggestions on how to tackle this behavious as a single parent I would like to pass it on to her.

Any book suggestions??
tia
winnie

[hanabi]

Welcome back Winnie! How wonderful to see you here again. We've been back in Brisbane from overseas for over a year now and I'm still unpacking so I think you're just NORMAL to still be unpacking after just a few months.

Here's my take on your question for your sister:

Originally Posted by Winnie1

The girl just will not listen, craves attention, not just from mummy, but anyone in sight and will not stop until she gets some kind of attention.

Sounds like hard work. But the child's behaviour sounds like an unmet need that must be addressed. Could your sister somehow come online and participate in a discussion? I can't see how we can *really* help her find solutions without her participation. Nevertheless, I'll continue and address it towards your sister...

I realise she is only 5, but I really feel that my sister has no control over her own daughter and it just creates stress and unhappy moments. She asks her to do things nicely several times, explains why etc but in the ends resorts to yelling to get her message across.

I have been there too. But what if we turn the situation around?

Put yourself in the child's position and listen to yourself communicate with your child. What do you sound like? Would you listen to yourself and follow instructions like that? Do you feel respected and like a participant in the exchange? Or do you feel controlled, imposed upon or resentful? "Nicely" can be very subjective. From your daughter's perspective would you rather just 'ignore you' than follow the instructions you're being given? Sincerely, give this a try. Meditate on it a while and see what comes up for you.

For eg the daughter will constantly jump on her, want to sit in her lap, interrupt conversations quite loudly, want something that another child is having all of a sudden (eg a biscuit, water, hairbrush) want a hug at a really awkward moment like when my sister is eating lunch etc etc

I take the stance that there is always a simple solution to a 'problem' but the best solution is to cease seeing it as a problem at all. What would happen if you gave yourself one minute, one hour, one day (wherever you can start with it) of just letting yourself go and finding a 'yes' response for everything your daughter requests? (within the bounds of safety of course) Consider it an experiment in creative parenting. Things don't have to stay that way. You can switch back to the way things were after the given period, but you won't understand what information that 'yes to everything' experience will give you unless you try it out.

To me it sounds like she is perhaps not getting enough one on one time with mummy, but should the behaviour extend to others so much? Because she really would not listen to any of us (aunts and uncles and grandparents) either. She would just want what she wants and how she wants it.

Here's the thing: she *needs* this. If she can't get filled up by Mum she will find others to top her up. Think about what this means for your daughter now as a child, for her blossoming sexuality later, for her relationships as a grown woman. I think, without fail, a need unmet in childhood can revisit us in many ways in our becoming adults and living as adults. There's no law to say the needs must be met by only one person, by the way. You are fortunate, like I am, to have extended family around to help out. Give them the 'yes' experiment too and then talk about it together.

And you cannot give what you don't have. If you've never been 'filled up' with positive,loving words and touch you cannot freely give positive, loving words and touch. If you've often met rejection of your most basic needs, you learn that your needs are not important. Consider this in combination with your daughter's general 'love sponge' tendencies and you have a recipe for ...?

I will stop now, as I really don;t want to ramble one. BUt if anyone has any suggestions on how to tackle this behavious as a single parent I would like to pass it on to her.

There are books, like Buddhism for Mothers, which might help. But equally, they can frustrate because the words and ideas represented in books are not often yours to work with. The only sustainable way is to make changes *within yourself* that move toward addressing everyone's needs. EG, look after yourself *first* since you cannot squeeze water from a dry sponge.

I hope these suggestions spark some insight that will help you find new ways to communicate and connect with your daughter.

[Winnie1]

Thanks for the reply Jodie - gosh if I am still unpacking and sorting our home out after a year I will throw it all out

I know its difficult to reply to my sister - she doesn't have easy online access atm. I was just really wanting to see if anyone else had any similar experiences or really if it was 'normal' 5 year old behaviour. She was visiting us, so she does not have family around all the time - we are in Brissy and she is in NQ. Our Mum is there, but let's just pretend she is not

The yelling is awful and she knows it, its not her first reaction, and I don't condone it, but apparently its the only reaction that ends in result where the daughter will listen.

As for saying yes to everything - I can see where you are going with that, and I believe that my sister does try this - but most of the things that are "requiring" a yes answer involve money (what doesn't)..... money that is jsut not available. So sure perhaps she needs to be a bit creative with it.

She was studying full time last year and has said that there was not much one on one time between them at all. That study is about to be replaced with full time work, so I don;t see how it can improve that much - except for the financial aspect.

Anyway thanksf or the suggestions - I will pass some on and see if the book is avail from the library.

[hanabi]

Originally Posted by Winnie1

The yelling is awful and she knows it, its not her first reaction, and I don't condone it, but apparently its the only reaction that ends in result where the daughter will listen.

The yelling evolves because they have not established rapport. This was the objective of my suggesting that she put herself in her daughter's shoes and listen to herself communicate.

We often expect our kids to give their full attention to us at the first address. I'm guilty of it too. But more often than not, we are interrupting something they are enjoying, or asking them to do something that is not a natural flow-on from what they are currently engaged in. Often there is no obvious reason to co-operate (what's in it for me?) or the communication could be a thinly veiled effort to control the current behaviour and they know it.

Why is it we expect our kids to adapt to us rather than us adapt to our kids?

As for saying yes to everything - I can see where you are going with that, and I believe that my sister does try this - but most of the things that are "requiring" a yes answer involve money (what doesn't)..... money that is jsut not available. So sure perhaps she needs to be a bit creative with it.

My 'yes' suggestion was only with regard to the daughter's need for closeness and attention - which requires no money at all.

She was studying full time last year and has said that there was not much one on one time between them at all. That study is about to be replaced with full time work, so I don;t see how it can improve that much - except for the financial aspect.

Kids are more adaptable than we are. There is a solution but only your sister can find it.

Another book that might help her find some creative solutions is "Three in a Bed". A possible, low-effort, way to address the daughter's need for mum-time?

I could be entirely wrong but what I gather from your post is that your sister is just tired and craving her own space from her daughter.

Every satisfying solution I have ever found for my parenting challenges has started with me. Once I address my own needs I'm better able to parent creatively and with generosity. Wishing your sister the very best.