Techniques for 2 year old

[tobysmum]

I have a 2 yr old boy who i haven't had any 'problems' with until recently. I still breastfeed and co-sleep and have found that our attachment combined with use of distraction, providing a safe environment to explore and ensuring that he was well fed/rested/entertained before taking him out was enough discipline - so i haven't really needed to conventionally punish or use a naughty step etc. Also i think because he is with me all the time (as we dont have family here to help with babysitting) it is in his interest to get along with me. Plus i think he also has a helpful personality. He is very affectionate and seems to naturally enjoy making others happy.

However i am worried about how to discipline him if his behaviour gets worse. Although he is generally 'well behaved', as he gets older he seems less interested in doing things just to make mum happy!
I guess the 2 things i am worried about are - am i going to have problems because i dont really 'discipline' as we become less attached?
And secondly, what sort of approaches should be used for a 2 year old when my other techniques arent working? For example, yesterday we were out at a play centre for a few hours and my son missed his day nap. So he was exhausted but too excited to sleep although i tried to get him to rest and even breastfed him for about half an hour!Normally i wouldnt pick this time to go shopping - but i had to pick up a few things at the shops. So in the middle of David Jones my son takes of his shoes and pants and starts running out the door. He then starts pelting around in a huge circle making babbling noises! I tried to stay calm despite the laughs/looks of disapproval/questioning "where is that child's mother?" looks from the other shoppers. I was very patient and tried not to worry about what other people thought. I sat down on the ground with his shoes, called him over and explained that he must wear his shoes - or sit back in his pram. But he just kept running in circles! Eventually after what seemed about 15 mins i just had to pick him up, put his shorts and shoes on and carry him. He wasnt happy about this - he likes to put his own shoes on and has a very strong sense of his own body space which he likes to be respected - and did get angry at me and cry - but he calmed down after a few minutes.
However i didnt feel that i handled this situation in the right way. I am wondering what other people would do in this situation? I know it probably could have been avoided if he had had a nap, but once i was in this situation, how could i have handled it better?

[KristinC]

Hi there
Are you familiar with an author called Alfie Kohn? He has written a great book called unconditional parenting. There's also another one called children are people too by Louise Porter. Both books talk about parenting without punishment. It's about "working with" rather than "doing to" strategies.
Let's say for instance your 2 year old is having a tantrum at the supermarket. What is going on for them? Are they tired, overwhelmed, hungry, bored? How can you help them to move through this emotion, in a way that respects him as a human being, that does not violate his rights, and that teaches him something about what it means to be a person in the world? Does punishment help with any of these? No - it only stops the child's behaviour because they fear the consequence - not the consequence to you or the other shoppers, the consequence to THEM. The net result is a kid who thinks "what's in it for me?". I would rather raise my child in a manner consistent with him becomming an adult who makes choices based on empathy and what's right, instead of fear or the consequences or selfish motivations.
At the end of the day, parenting is not a power struggle where you have to exert control over your child, it's you teaching them how to be in the world.
In the example you gave above, as you already noted he was tired and it was not a good time to do shopping. I would have picked him up and cuddled him and said I can see you are really tired, so I am going to help you to put your shoes on and let's go home for a sleep. The shopping can wait.
I really highly recommend both of the books I listed above - hope that is helpful.

[mammadyl]

Kristen has pretty well said it all!!

And William and Martha Sears 'The Discipline Book' is also great!

[tobysmum]

Thanks for your responses. I will definitely look up those books. I have read some other sears stuff before about sleep and loved it but hadnt heard of the other author you mentioning

[GreenGully]

I think it is really important to recognise that our goals are not always going to be in line with that of our children. The doing things to please another thing does pass pretty quickly ime, and it is good cos you don't really want them to just do things for praise in the long term. Patience (bucketloads) and an open mind tend to be useful I feel. Flexibility and a sense of humour don't go astray. There will inevitably be some things which you choose to draw the line on, safety issues especially, and when you make sure it is something you really really need to be firm about.

[hanabi]

Great advice GG. Total agreement here.

[monstermon]

i can also recommend the alfie kohn book and the Louise porter book...i got a lot out of both of them...

I'm wondering what exactly it was that didn't feel right about the way you handled the situation you mention..? carrying him when he didn't want to be? I think physical restraint is ok, but it depends how and when it is used... when my DS (4) gets out of control, i do need to use physical contact with him as he finds it hard to hear me in his emotional state... i will generally try to hold his hands, or whatever i can get hold of, in a gentle way... he will usually resist at first, and i try not to force it, but if i can make eye contact with him, or get him to hear me, he will usually stop resisting straight away and be open to a cuddle, me picking him up, etc... if he insists on me not touching him i will let him go. of course, if he is in immediate danger (going to fall off something, run onto the road in front of a car) then I will always physically restrain, but i think this is a situation where my need to protect him should override his need to be unrestrained, and it rarely happens this way.

also sometimes removing the child (possibly somewhat against their will) is actually what they need to be able to calm down... in the case of a busy shopping centre or some other place that is highly stimulating, the environment may be a big contributing factor in the behaviour so perhaps taking the child somewhere quiet (outside, parents room) might be what they nned to calm down, and without an audience looking on, you will find it easier to be calm and think straight too, and a quiet breastfeed might be more appealing for you away from onlookers too...

i think if you have acted in a way that you later on feel uncomfortable with, i would generally just apologise to my child but also explain myself...i think you can't always expect yourself to make the best decisions when you are in a stressful situation, and it is OK for children to see you make mistakes and then how you deal with those mistakes too...

and so good that you are thinking about it now... i found the 3s much harder than the 2s for 'discipline' issues (glad they're over. DS turned 4 yesterday)...!!

[nessies]

I have had some similar situations recently, its great to read this advice, I need to go borrow these books