adjusting to conguence (NLP)

GreenGully · #1 (**permalink**) 16-12-2007, 10:27 PM

sigh. J has been responding really well to what i believe is more congruent communication on my part, while we were on holiday he was just so easy to parent, he was happy to listen and negotiate and talk things through. But the past 2 days he has been so angry! The thing that is really interesting though is that he is doing all the controlling little things that I was doing prior to the workshop. Today he tried to limit how many tacos I ate and said exact sentences I have used in the past when trying to limit how many toys we brought with us when we were going out or whatever. It was full on to watch. its like he is asking me who are you and what have you done with mummy, this is what I am used to, if you aren't going to do it then I am! I feel very sad watching him, knowing that he is modeling my past behaviour. ( and yes there is plenty of room for improvement in my communication still).
I am letting him be as much as I can. I was wondering if any others who went to the workshop have experienced anything similar? Keith any insight?

I know he could be coming down with something or just very tired, but something tells me that this is to do with the changes in me taht I am feeling so strongly.

Lysianna · #2 (**permalink**) 16-12-2007, 10:45 PM

Wow GG such quick results! Congratulations!
I have all 4 of my children with me for the next 3 weeks and Im attempting to simply observe their interactions with each other.
There have been many occaisions even before the workshop where Ive noticed them doing my behaviours! Certainly not all good, thats for sure! They are fantastic modellers arent they?

GreenGully · #3 (**permalink**) 16-12-2007, 10:54 PM

It is rather unsettling though Lys, he is hitting all the time (not something I have done in a long time, but he does remember at least one occasion when I have lost it and smacked him). I can deal with it, as in am not saying he can't be angry or anything or that I want to stop him from doing what he needs to do, just that I wonder why all of a sudden he is so angry and if it is a common thing.

hanabi · #4 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 06:46 AM

Perhaps being away in a new environment allowed you both to experiment with your new learning? Perhaps being back home has anchored his memories of prior behaviour patterns and he's just working through those challenges for himself?

Remember those fluxy, broody emotions that come when your beliefs are challenged? Maybe he's processing such feelings? I don't know M, but it will be interesting if Keith comes by to hear how common this response is.

Meridith · #5 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 07:01 AM

Ok well I haven't done NLP but I've worked through an attachment early intervention with psychotherapy + other methods.

I found that everytime *I* had a personal breakthrough that there was a time of readjustment, dust settling etc. Very much what you described with "who are you and what have you done with my mummy? I've gotta fill the gaps, now!". It is the same (in principle) as what happens in an older family when an adult child sets a boundary (perhaps for the first time). Try to think of a baby-mobile, everyone has their different position and they have worked out how to balance....until change-maker decides they need to move to this spot. Everybody else starts scuttling around, trying to get that change-maker to go back to their old ways...if the change-maker stays on their new path, eventually everyone settles down into their slightly new positions, until next time someone changes something.

Knowing to expect people around me to need to reshuffle when I change and understand what is going on really, really helped. I have found that my child is frequently the instigator of my changing, her perception may be that of a 3 year old, but her lack of inhibitions in speaking or acting her-truth frequently challenging my thought patterns.

Oh just a thought, cos this helped us dramatically. When I was able to objectively name was was going on for me (therefore be at peace within my own emotions) DD adjusted much faster, within hours. Often times the changes in me that DD reacted to most strongly were the changes that I was not fully/objectively comprehending or not yet comfortable with. It sounds like a diva, but "it is always about me" is one of my personal parenting mantras.

Keith · #6 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 09:59 AM

I agree with much of what Meredith has written here.

Each time you make a change to your own personal organisation one of two things can happen, 1. The people around you adapt to the changes and the system as a whole evolves, 2. The people around you do not like the changes and do whatever they can to push you back into old, familiar behaviours.

One of the functions of Triple Description is to allow you to access information about all who might be affected by the changes you want to make. Then your unconscious mind can generate appropriate SoM and behaviours that are respectful of the flexibility (or lack thereof) of those significant others.

Context is also important, of course.

You CAN make changes to your own personal organisation that are respectful of the systems that sustain you. This is not compromise (horrible, terrible word) it is about creativity and logical levels.

**moneypenny** · #7 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 10:34 AM

Have you asked your unconcious?

GreenGully · #8 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 10:51 AM

I will when I have the time. I am very distressed about it this morning, I am in tears now after our last encounter. All I asked was fro him to get dressed so we can go shopping for something which is a special thing for him (which he requested!) He insisted he was already dressed (he was naked) and then got violent and said all manner of things which were so upsetting. As soon as I used a bribe he settled down and did as I asked.

But right now he is yelling at me. sigh, I will give everything you ahve written soem thoguht.

Lysianna · #9 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 12:06 PM

Oh GG, Ive been thinking about you a lot!
I dont know how you manage everything, your circumstance sound similar to mine.
Think I'll pm you!
Hope your outing has both of you achieving desired outcomes!

GreenGully · #10 (**permalink**) 17-12-2007, 09:51 PM

I am exhausted. A huge day for us and I ave pms on top of it all. Tomorrow is a kindy day (the last for 3 weeks eek!) so will try and get this house a bit more organised, as I think J is a bit boerd now we are home and is not really interested in exploring his toys or anythin.