Working towards more congruent communication

[hanabi]

How often do we think we are saying something clear and explicit but our kids, our partners and others misunderstand or misinterpret our communication?

Congruence
The match of a person's body language (gestures, posture and voice patterns) with their verbal output (auditory digital) while they are communicating.

Congruence in communication is one of the patterns found in charismatic people. Note though, when a person is communicating with congruency, this is not necessarily an indicator of truth, rationality or sensibility in terms of the content communicated. It means that in the moment, they believe what they are saying. Eg. Hitler communicated congruently, yet many of his ideas (content), were unecological in their effect on third parties.

sourced from http://www.inspiritive.com.au/glossary.htm#C

Congruence in communication has the potential to reduce or completely erase confusion in the listener. Think about the limited language ability of a baby or toddler and how language can be distilled to maximise their ability to understand the meaning of a communication.

In this thread I hope we can discuss communication strategies we use with our children. How do we take a communication and make it more congruent? How do we alter our communication patterns to attempt greater congruence in everything we say and do? What do we notice taking place when we apply what we will (hopefully) learn here in our everyday life?

Any questions about this concept?

[kime]

Thanks for explaining the concept Jodie - I had wondered. I will be watching this thread for strategies. I find I can be easily misunderstood especially when I stressed about being in a public situation etc

[hanabi]

Great to know someone is interested Kime!

In past threads we have often discussed the necessity to avoid 'don't' in our communications.

What thoughts/images pop into your head when I suggest:

"Don't walk on the road" ??

[skn]

fak

It's funny, when I read that question "Don't walk on the road" I can see the 'don't', but it honestly doesn't seem to sink in as much as the other words. I can imagine that it's that kind of thing I'd say to DD1...even emphasing the 'don't'. Though if I was to reword it (same thing basically), I'd say "I'd rather you not walk on the road" again...hmmm 'walk' and 'road' jump out. I'm really trying to think about this stuff....because what I do now isn't working.


Did you do some of this in the workshop last weekend? I wish I went!

[kime]

I can see that using the negative doesn't work like
"don't think of a pink elephant" and that is all you can think about.
So I should be stating things in a positive way, like "just stay on the footpath." Is that what you mean Jodie?

When I read your first post in this thread I guess I thought that I could be more congruent by trying to be more in the moment with the people I am interacting with even though I am worried or thinking about something else. Or if I am worried or something then I should try an maybe withdraw until I can be back in that space with those people. I notice that other kids in playgroup etc really try and interact with me if I am in a calm, listening frame of mind. And avoid me if I am not.

How that may fit in with NLP I don't know, but I guess that is what I thought of when I started thinking about congruency. I don't cope well with trying to think about how I am interacting with others while trying to do so, maybe it's something I can learn to do, eventually. I probably need to learn to listen in a new way. Maybe I need to do a workshop one of these days. LOL

[hanabi]

Originally Posted by skn

It's funny, when I read that question "Don't walk on the road" I can see the 'don't', but it honestly doesn't seem to sink in as much as the other words.... Though if I was to reword it (same thing basically), I'd say "I'd rather you not walk on the road" again...hmmm 'walk' and 'road' jump out. I'm really trying to think about this stuff....because what I do now isn't working.

Yes, we touched on this at the NLP workshop last weekend. Wish I had known that you'd have liked to come Sarah!


EG:
"Don't walk on the road."
"I'd rather you not walk on the road."

They are the same form of communication. Any ideas as to why?

[kime]

Oops posted at the same time

[skn]

Originally Posted by hanabi

Yes, we touched on this at the NLP workshop last weekend. Wish I had known that you'd have liked to come Sarah!


EG:
"Don't walk on the road."
"I'd rather you not walk on the road."

They are the same form of communication. Any ideas as to why?

The negative component (don't, not etc)?

[skn]

I knew it was on, but I was helping a friend at the markets and I also felt a little overwhelmed reading through the threads, not realising that it's not something you get from reading rather doing.

[hanabi]

Originally Posted by kime

I can see that using the negative doesn't work like
"don't think of a pink elephant" and that is all you can think about.
So I should be stating things in a positive way, like "just stay on the footpath." Is that what you mean Jodie?

Exactly! We both posted at the same time Kime. I must try to be more patient!!

If there is only one lesson we learn about congruence, the most essential is framing communication in the positive. IE, saying what we WANT rather than what we DON'T WANT.

When I read your first post in this thread I guess I thought that I could be more congruent by trying to be more in the moment with the people I am interacting with even though I am worried or thinking about something else.

This would suggest that you can choose your State of Mind (SoM) to be one of 'in the moment' with certain people. It's not congruence per se - but it is an important part of communication, definitely!

I notice that other kids in playgroup etc really try and interact with me if I am in a calm, listening frame of mind. And avoid me if I am not.

Aha! So you notice that when you are doing a 'calm, listening' SoM, others can see it too. And when you're not doing a 'calm, listening' SoM, others can see that as well. Yes, this is congruence that comes from your unconscious mind. IE, when I feel sad, I have a physical sensation that I associate with the 'sad' SoM and my body takes the physical shape of 'sadness'. This why others can observe your SoM and respond to it.

How that may fit in with NLP I don't know, but I guess that is what I thought of when I started thinking about congruency. I don't cope well with trying to think about how I am interacting with others while trying to do so, maybe it's something I can learn to do, eventually. I probably need to learn to listen in a new way. Maybe I need to do a workshop one of these days. LOL

Yes, it is something we can all learn to do and we all probably need to learn to listen in a new way - ie, take our blinkers off and perceive the world with all our senses, peripheral vision and all!