OK I'm losing it...

[Garnet]

I need some reassurance or advice regarding DD. She's 3 and 4 mths and I feel like she is just totally out of control!! I'm seriously at the end of my rope which may or may not be exacerbated by a little sleep dep with a new bub.....and her behavious may or may not be related to new bubs arrival, but I think not so much as this has been going on for the last 6 mths at least.!! She's great with DS and just adores him, helps out, oohs and ahhs over him etc etc.

Anyway she's sooooo full on ALL the time. She is so very angry all the time.... and is constantly back chatting us, pointing the finger at us, screwing up her face, yelling at us, growling, grabbing, telling us to shut up, hitting us...it goes on and on. Even when I try to lighten the day and make jokes, giggle with her or rough house she points the finger and says something like "go away" in a horrible tone. Even when she's having fun like singing or dancing and we celebrate it or clap or encourage her we get the same thing. The other day she ran into a board at head height and knocked her forhead badly at BIL's house and when SIL and I gasped and got up to comfort her she pushed me away angry even though she was hurt. What is going on???? She refuses to conform with any request, is constantly disobedient and disagreeable and aaannnngry!.

Geez this sounds horrible.....and it's not like we are constantly on her, though sometimes it feels like that's all I do, or expect too much...if anything she has always been a free spirit when it comes to our parenting if that makes sense?

On top of that she is still constantly into things around the house. I don't trust her alone anywhere. Is this normal for her age. She's very smart and extremely bright and I know she knows what's ok and not but she insists on doing things and getting into things. We still have locks on everything (up high she'll go get a chair!!) and if we miss something..there she is...toothpaste everywhere.....conditioner everywhere for the second time today because I still hadn't had a chance to clean it up and put it away from the first time!! Same with TT...she knows what to do, where to go, when to go yet even with prompts because I know she's off to wee or poo she'll still sneak off behind the bed or in a bedroom and do it......not all the time mind you just on occaision...she'll go days doing it all on the loo.

Anyway is this normal for her age?? Am i expecting too much...I would have thought this stuff would be easing off by now??
Think I just needed a vent!

What do you make of the angry stuff though....it's constant and to the point I get nervous to take her out and have our playdates because she does it to other childen too especially if they've come to play at our house (which I understand the reasoning behind).

I'm at my wits end. I've tried so many different things. I read "The no cry discipline solution" and applied those techniques with a little success.....DH thinks he sees an improvement in her but geez it's still pretty full on! I just don't know what to do and end up losing it at some point most days which makes the whole thing a big vicious miserable cycle!!

I'm at the point of seeking help for her because I just don't think it's normal....which is probably a complete waste of time because DH and I are not united...I seem to be the disciplining parent and DH buys into arguing with her and being sibling number 3 in a way .

She's just not the baby and toddler I knew.

I feel like I've failed and am a horrible Mum to her atm.

[Garnet]

Sorry about the epic....

[Meridith]

You're not a horrible mum & she's not a horrible child either. I'll be back as soon as I can.

[moneypenny]

Firstly, I want to say CONGRATS on your new bubba. What a beautiful photo

If you think its not normal, then run with it. Have you had any experience with homeopathics? I had terrible trouble when DS was around the same age and took him to see Rachael Gleeson. It was not an instant cure (oh wouldn't that be great! ) but it did make an immediate difference. Also, it may be worth you both sipping on some water through the day with some rescue remedy in it.

Dont be too hard on yourself hon. You have a fresh little bubba and it is a big transition for both of you, all of you infact. I think you sound like you are dealing with it pretty well actualy. Have you got some IRL friends that can come and support you for a little while in the highest stress/less sleep times?

[KristinC]

Oh she is so 3.... I found 2 so easy, 3 waaaay more challenging.
No real advice.. just hang in there, try to find ways for her to connect with you emotionally. I agree that this is a transitional time for all of you. I hope things get better soon.

[Garnet]

Firstly, I want to say CONGRATS

Thank you!

Have you had any experience with homeopathics?

Personally, yes. But with that experience it seemed to magnify the problem?? I was a little put off but would definately be willing to give it a go for her. I wonder if you would PM me her contact details?? She's a naturopath right?
Rescue remedy...yes! It's sitting on the shelf in the kitchen...now why do I never remember to use it when I need it??!

Have you got some IRL friends that can come and support you for a little while in the highest stress/less sleep times?

Yeah you know I'm one of those silly people who never call on any of those offers for worry about bothering people! Tut tut to myself!

Thanks for your kind words!!

[Garnet]

I found 2 so easy, 3 waaaay more challenging

Yeeesss Kristin! me too.

[Garnet]

You know what....just to add....I'm so scared it's not a phase and it won't pass....and we are going to "lose" her the older she gets IYKWIM?

[Rinelle]

I think Ezri was like this a few months ago (she's 3 and a bit too), and it seemed to be about working through her emotions. If you look at my more recent posts, you might find where I talk about it to see if it rings any bells? Anyway, what we found helped was to get her some books about feelings, and read/talk about them. It seems to have helped in our situation, so it might be worth a try?

What we've done, is after introducing the emotions (just the simple ones for now, sad, happy, angry and scared), when she's upset/angry/screaming, I ask her "Can you tell Mummy what you're feeling?" So far she usually says "sad", so then I ask her why she's feeling sad, and she'll tell me (sometimes I'm quite surprised at the answer), and we then have an opening to discuss it. I think she was just so overwhelmed by all these new emotions, that she didn't know what they were, or how to deal with them.

Hope you work something out. It can be really overwhelming some days can't it?

[Susan]

When I read your experience Garnet I am reminded of my own experience with my now six year when my younger son was born. He was four at the time of Baxter's birth and boy did his behaviour change. I found this extremely challenging as not only did I have a new baby to care for but was totally unsure of how to hold my older son's emotions. This went on for some time until I could find the space to nurture my own needs. I think a great starting point for me was me. Everything was different having a second baby. It was nothing like the first. I wasn't able to totally devote myself to my new baby but rather had this massive juggle and I felt very resentful for that. I managed with the support of friends to give myself lots of compassion and allow myself to feel the grief that I did. I also tried to look at what were Harry's unmet needs. I believe that young children use their behaviour to express their painful feelings and our role as parents is to hold them in that. He was fully entitled to feel everything he did and does now. I had to respect his right to his feelings and provide a safe environment in which to cry. I found he usually acted out if he was feeling unsafe and unsure of my ability to be with his pain. When I could sit and recieve his sadness and anger he would release it and move on. This was by no means easy but if I could do it, was certainly rewarding. I must say, he is still not overly fond of his brother and that is fine. I don't actually expect him to love Baxter. What I do ask is that he treats him with respect and kindness. This he can usually manage as it is what he wants for himself also. I understand having mum and dad to yourself for four years and then the arrival of another being means you have less time, less attention, share your stuff..... no wonder he was angry.

I share my experience in an attempt to let you know that you are not alone and that what your family is experiencing is very normal. We have a number of great articles on the parenting site that may be of use to you. You could have a look under the journey of parenting and children and discipline sections. In JOP the intentional parenting and the parenting through transitions may be of interest to you. I also have a number of articles on recieving our children's painful feelings that may be of use. They will be up on our baby site in the next day or so but you can send me an email if you would like me to forward them on in the meantime. my address is susan@naturalparenting.com.au.

Enjoy the journey Garnet. Our children bring us so many gifts. Just some come in disguise.