Unconditional Parenting

[jacandwill]

Hi,
just wondering if anyone has read the book by Alfie Kohn?
If you have what did you think of it?
have you put any of the ideas into practice?
any tips for working with a 'high need' 19mth old?
jac

[KristinC]

Hi Jac
I've read the book and also have the dvd. I think it's brilliant.
It really changed the way I think about coercive parenting and now I am very careful about rewards / punishments. I can't say a bad thing about it.
Can we hear some more about your "high needs" toddler? Anything specific you were looking for feedback on?

[jacandwill]

Thanks for your reply.
Ok, well ds is 'high need' in the Dr Sears sense of the phrase, like waking through the night, sensitive to loud noises (vac, hair dryer etc) seperation sensitive, strong willed, determind, very active. I like to wear him when I can and we co-sleep for half the night.
at the moment is obsessed with cars and the wiggles. not to mention he hangs on to keys all day, and has a thing with his shoes. last night he went to sleep with his gumboots on, I got one off but as I got the other half way off he half woke up and started to cry 'shu shu' so it went back on. I'd rather have it on and him asleep than off and him awake crying. tonight I got them both off thank goodness.
he is very exausting and I have him 95% of the time.
I know that is probably quite normal.

I just find it hard to develop the working with side of things with him.
I try and find other ways to say no and explain things when I can but its like he just doesn't hear me and I get so frustrated.
I would love tips/ suggestions on how to put the things in the book into practice,
whats worked for you ?
(sorry for the long post)
jac

[KristinC]

My son is pretty full on as well.. things I have found that have worked with the not listening thing is physically intervening, for instance yesterday at the beach he kept running away from me. I can shout "stop" as much as I like and it won't make a difference except to make me feel more frustrated. It's more effective with him to grab him by the arm (gently!) and then get down to his level to talk to him.
Another thing I've found instead of saying no is "yes - later" or "yes - next time". Or even just avoiding the word no and giving an explaination instead, ie if he asks for junk food I might tell him that we need healthy food for our growing bodies. These things all get easier once language develops.
With a little one that's not very verbal yet it's probably easier to go with distraction or moving away from whatever the trigger event has been.
And of course if he gets upset then deal with the upset emotions ie I can see that you're feeling very frustrated / disappointed / whatever then offer a cuddle or breastfeed etc to ease the upset feelings.
Just one other thing... when we have had a particularly traumatic event during the day sometimes I will turn it into a story at bed time. For instance.. once upon a time there was a boy called dexter, and he went shopping with his mummy and saw a wiggles magazine, and he really wanted the magazine but his mummy said no. He felt so disappointed and started crying, and then his mummy gave him a big kiss and cuddle and he felt much better. I think it helps him to debrief.
And lastly I try to keep in mind that more connection is always the best tool that I have.
Re things like wearing the boots to bed... personally if it's something that's not going to be dangerous or really inconvenient I would just let it go. If it's uncomfortable he will soon decide not to to wear boots to bed anyway! So long as he's not kicking you in the shins all night!
I know it can feel so exhausting sometimes and I think we all have times where we question what we're doing.. but I think it sounds like you're doing a great job.

[jacandwill]

Thank you so much for the reply.
It was really helpful.
gald that I'm not the only one with a very full on boy.
I like the idea of a story, never thought of that before.
another friend suggested that when he doesn't want to do some thing, like getting into his car seat, just repeat to him 'I know that you don't want to be in your car seat' a few times and I have found that he stops as if to realise that I understand him then once he stops crying I explain to him why I want him in the seat. Its worked a few times.
He is just starting to say words so it is begining to get a little easier for him to le me know what he wants, which is nice.
Thanks again for your help and I will be giving your advice a try.
Jac

[KristinC]

Your friend could be on to something.. it's always good to let them know that their feelings have been heard.
Enjoy the journey...