Adament kids

[Nalini]

Hi,This is Gagan from Delhi. I am new to this group. I have a two year old baby boy. Something that I find tough to handle andam woried about is that, he always wants to do what he wants to. Some people say that he should be allowed to, whatever he wants to and he will at this age. I personally believe that he should be made to realise when is something said to him seriously and when is it that he can ignore it. For example he tries to hit television scree with remote or any hard object. We shout to make the matter look serious and to make him understand. But he comes and smiles. Also he askes all the things to be done on his own. Its a quality, but at times when things are dangerous, e.g. he wants to switch on light, and a socket is loose, he is not willing to listen to a NO. Whats the remedy? Or is it that he shall be allowed to do all that, considering his young age? I seek professional opinion as well as opinions of other parents please.

[Bronnie]

i think you've posted this in the wrong section

at his age, he doesn't understand =he still needs more distraction that trying to teach him he can't do/have something. if he goes to turn on that light switch, perhaps pick him up and carry him over to play with something?

if it is dangerous, no, i don't think anyone would tell you he should be allowed to do it. if it isn't, you could weigh up if it is ok to let him do it. take climbing on a table for example. here, i'd let my 2 year old do it, but stand to supervise and show her how to descend safely.

one thing about using 'no' too much is that it can lose its impact, so when you NEED him to stop, he may not.

[Meridith]

Welcome Gagan! Lovely to meet you. I want to commend you on thinking about how you parent and how it affects your son, rather than going for the 'easy' option.

You are right, children should not be left to do whatever they want to their own detriment. There is a difference between letting a child do whatever they want with no boundaries of any sort and letting them do what they choose in an environment you have created and are happy with. Your son is learning about his world. How it feels, how it looks, how it works.

Hitting the television...it makes a satisfying noise. It also gets attention from parents (even negative attention is attention to a child who is seeking it). I am not saying to ignore your child, but rather than focussing on the behaviour you don't want - try focussing on what you would prefer. Removing throwable objects is your best bet at the moment. If he throws something at the tv - gently remove the item and say "Toys are for playing (not throwing), lets go play with your teddy". You want to reinforce what the items are for, not what they are not for.

Until language/reasoning is developed to the point that you can introduce consequences (ie. if you throw that remote at the tv, I will be carrying you out of this room to play in another room. We need to look after our belongings) as Bronnie said, creative distraction (with plenty of reinforcing conversation...they do take it in ) is the way to go.

In terms of safety...well, it's tough. Try to make 'dangerous' things out of sight, not just out of reach. Explain (ad nauseum) "This is for mummy/daddy to do, not little children". Again, removing and distracting are useful

If you face battles of child-parent opinions, that is ok. In fact, it is good that your child is both sure of what he wants and voicing his unappreciation of you stopping him! I find it helpful to remember that I am helping a little person grow into a big person and that journey is long, hard and frustrating.

Supporting him through it as best you can (and ringing a sympathetic friend after for a debriefing) is great. "Oh darling, you are feeling so angry right now. You are angry with mummy because she said that toys are for playing with but you want to throw the toy at the television. Oh yes, you are feeling angry. It is ok to feel angry." (Etc. plus with cuddles if they are wanted) expressing emotions is healthy, modelling for your child how to express emotions in a healthy way is part of the mother description.

There are lots of helpful threads in the Journey of Parenting and Gentle Guidance sections of this forum, but here are a few threads/articles I have picked out that will help you think through and come up with different strategies of your own:
When a Child Says "No."
Thread on alternatives to smacking
5 Reasons to Stop Saying 'Good Job'

[Nalini]

Hi ,

Thanks for your reply. I have found a useful link for a problem which i mentioned .

have a good day

[Nalini]

Really raising a child is not so easy. Now I am realizing how our parent would feel when we were child .........
Sometimes it becomes irritating but sometimes its really fun..... but really worried for him.

[Meridith]

I so know what you mean...

Why are you worried for your son?

[Nalini]

Hi,
Anotherthing what comes to my mind is that we should try to change in strategy. instead of scolding n screaming at kid, just sit with him/her when he is in agood mood n try to explain him that if the tv gets broken, how will WE watch cartoon?? (i hope he understands ur conversation n likes cartoons). We try to DISCUSS after effects of his deeds politely with him...use "we" rather than "you". for example- tell him our room (not 'your' room) will look dirty if we'll break things n if we'll not care for them. always try to address him as a 'good boy' n never loose a chance to appreciate even a single time he listens to u...like- say ' u are a very good boy...u listen to ur mom-dad at once'.
good luck n just keep try changing ur strategy till it works...pls don't shout at him...this will make him aggressive. bye...good luck again.

[Lavender]

Hi Nalini, would you like to introduce yourself over at the "Getting Acquainted" part of the forum.
I am intrigued that you began this thread by asking for advice but now appear to be giving it to us.