My 6 year old DS crys!!

[shellyma]

Hey everyone,

I am at a lost as how to deal with my 6 year old DS. He is extremely intelligent, and really set in his ways. He likes routine and if it is disrupted he reacts badly. At the moment his reaction is to cry. If he can't finish what he is doing before school, he will cry. If the teacher asks him to do something that is slightly out of routine, or stops him completing his activity, he cries. I don't know how to stop it from happening as I think it is just his way of coping with the situation. I don't let him get his own way about it, and I try to explain the reason he has to stop doing whatever it is he is doing to go to school, but he will not listen to me.

His teacher talked to DP about it this morning, and he keeps saying "we have to stop him", but I can't see how we can. That is his reaction, how can you stop him from reacting.

Any suggestions about how to deal with it. I really just don't want it to effect his school life.

Thanks,

Shelly

[mammadyl]

hugs Shelly, sounds like a tricky one. My ds is five and sometimes reacts a similiar way. I know that talking to him at a time 'away' form what sets him off about why he reacts like that, and askng him what he thought he could do instead of crying was really helpful. It has then just been a matter of reminding him every so often that he has other ways of letting people know how he feels by using words. I was also careful to say that crying is ok, its just also important to be able to use his words to express himself too.

Do you think such a conversation with your little one would help?

[Rinelle]

Do you or the teacher give warnings about the impending change of activity? My DD is younger, but the only way we can have a change in activity (such as it being bedtime) is by setting a timer, and saying that she has 5 more minutes to play, then when the timer goes off, it's time to get ready for bed. It has stopped a lot of the meltdowns in this house. She will still cry sometimes, but not with the same intensity.

[Hailstorm]

We do something similar to Tamara with our DD, if we are going shopping ir visiting or if someone is coming here etc I'll always give her as much notice as possible, the other day we were going to go shopping but DF had to drop some paperwork off at the IL's he didn't tell me this soI 'd been telling Hailey that we're going shopping and then we ended up at Baka's house she was really cranky (she doesn't like MIL at the best of times) because she thought she was going shopping.
If I tell her were we are going and get her involved like for eg if we go shopping I'll ask her what we need etc (somehow it's always ice cream and lollypops haha) she's fine, the more warning we give the better, if I know we are going to be doing something I try to tell her as soon as possible, maybe you could try somehing similar?
oh and Hailey will be 3 soon so she's a little younger then your DS

[JAK]

My ds was the same when interupted or frustrated. He also has very set ideas on how he thinks things should go and if I tried to change or interupt that then all hell could break loose.

Warnings was integral in helping change this. Getting ready for school is up on a chart here at home, this helps him to organise in his head what needs to be done. Warnings of when things will change, eg. in ten minutes we need to leave for school. Then remind again at 5 minutes and then I ask ds if he's all ready or what else needs to be done before leaving.

My ds struggles greatly with sudden changes, he doesn't cope. Warnings help him slowly get used to the change so that by the time it's ready to change he's usually ok.

As for the crying, I discussed with ds when he was calm other ways of expressing that frustration. We came up with several and practised them when calm. When he started getting upset, I'd validate his feeling 'yes, it's frustrating you were doing x and now we have to stop and get dressed' and help him through it.

It took time, but I can say that crying isn't something that we deal will much anymore.

[Georgie]

Originally Posted by Rinelle

Do you or the teacher give warnings about the impending change of activity? My DD is younger, but the only way we can have a change in activity (such as it being bedtime) is by setting a timer, and saying that she has 5 more minutes to play, then when the timer goes off, it's time to get ready for bed. It has stopped a lot of the meltdowns in this house. She will still cry sometimes, but not with the same intensity.

I have to do this with Emma too.

She used to cry quite a bit at kindy at the beginning of the year. I did explain to the teacher that she has issues with transitions. She rarely cries at kindy now but I don't know if they adjusted how they do things, or if she just adjusted to the kindy routine, kwim?

Anyway, "we have to stop him" seems maybe a bit simplistic? Emma's teacher and I approached it more as we want to fix it because we didn't wnt her to be upset.

[shellyma]

Thanks for all the replys.

I generally try to give him warning if it is almost time to go to school. I will say you have ten minutes left, then you have five minutes and then you need to pack-up, shut down the computer etc, as it is time to go. I understand completely where he is coming from because I also don't like change. I don't really have a routine, but I need to know in advance if something is going to change, like going out for the day. I like to know the day before (at least) so I can prepare myself.

I have talked to him about the different ways he can express his emotions over being frustrated, but when it comes to the time he forgets and lets go emotionally before I have had a chance to say "wait we will deal with it this way..." and his father just seems to get angry at him, which of course makes it worse.

I will have another discussion with him this afternoon.

Shelly

[kristamumof3]

Shelly,

I have the exact same thing with my 6 year old DS except that instead of just crying he would crawl under the table and crouch in a ball. His teacher has been amazing at dealing with it. We both encourage him to use his words and talk through his frustrations. His teacher gives him warnings which work well and she is also willing to allow him to continue with his work sometimes after the activity changes because he is really good at following what is going on with the next task and then catching up. I guess this works because he is the only one in the class that wants more time. He is an absolute perfectionist. He has stopped crying most of the time.

When it was at its worst I would check in with his teacher every couple of days and find out exactly what it was that may have happened then I would disect the situation with him at a quiet time and we would talk through the need to use his words and talk about his frustrations. Things like this don't change quickly but I think that if you get close to his teacher and work together then over time it will be sorted. I am lucky that Noah's teacher sees us as a team.

I know how you feel it is so hard when you can't be there to help them through their frustrations.

[shellyma]

Thanks Krista, your son sounds exactly like mine.

I might try your approach and talk to the teacher every couple of days. I think that it might really help to find out what is going on to set him off.

Thanks
Shelly

[la]

Shelly, good on you for looking for a gentle way to work with your son! I have no specific suggestions, but wanted to ask if you had read a few wise parenting books like...

Your child's emotional needs - Dr Vicky Flory
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them - Elaine Aron
and the old classic
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - Elaine Mazlish & Adele Faber

these are the sort of books i can return to again and again that help re-install a sense of peace for where my child is at, and how to help them move forwards.

Goodluck!