Help! Desperately need some gentle alternatives...

[Rinelle]

I'm at the end of my rope. Ezri doesn't listen to anything I say. Or at least, she hears it, but won't do it. I was trying to put a nappy on her this morning, as we were going out shopping, and she just kept running away, and being silly, and giggling, but would not let me put a nappy on until I yelled at her. Then she let me, but delayed me an extra 10 minutes because she was so upset that she need a breastfeed to calm down again. I hate yelling at her, I feel so bad, but nothing else seems to work. Not explaining why she needs to wear a nappy when we're out, or talking about the fun things we'll do when we're out, or anything I've tried.

Help! I feel like I have the most disobedient child around, but I just can't work out how to get her to pay attention to me.

[mummymoo]

Don't feel so bad for yelling. We are all allowed to lose the plot sometimes. What is important is that you explain why you were so cross. I lost it once with Rhiannon and the only explanation I could give her at the time was "It is my job to look after you. You are making my job very difficult. All I want is for us to do our jobs so we can get home in time to have some fun together." That seemed to go down well, but it's difficult.

You could approach it as a "teamwork" thing, like we need to do the shopping together or we can't eat. Would she like to eat the *insert something she won't eat* because we couldn't go shopping, or shall we do it together, and help each other?

If all else fails, hide the rice wheels... She might put her own nappy on.

Good luck.

[lulu12345]

We have this little battle everytime we go out, although not about a nappy any more its usually about putting shoes on or a warm jacket, we have come to the point where we explain to him that he will have to stay home if he doesnt do what it is we are asking, it sounds mean but its enough incentive for him and its usually done immediatly.

He is yet to be left at home with one of us as he loves to get out of the house its just getting organised is the hard part for him.

I guess another thing you could do is give her lots and lots of warning. when she wakes in morning let her know today is shopping day, An hour or two before hand say hey we are going shopping soon, and half an hour or so beforehand say ok lets start getting ready,we need to finish what we are doing and start getting our clothes etc ready for going out.

This way she will feel a little more prepared for what is happening and possibly more in control, jayden will say things like ok mum ill get ready i just want to park my cars or put this away so he is control of what he is doing before he has to do what i am asking of him,.

good luck dont worry it will get better we got through the terrible twos but nobody said about the head strong threes,,,,
deep breathes and lots of cuddles and you will make it, your doing a great job.
nicky

[Rinelle]

Thanks Nicky and Kathryn. I guess part of my problem is that she doesn't really want to go out. She's happy enough once we're out, and doesn't want to go home, but she hates the getting ready enough that she actually would rather stay home. If offered the chance of staying home with daddy, she'll usually take it. Trouble is, when he's not home, I can't really tell her that she can stay home (much as I'd like to some days!)

[mummymoo]

Ahhh... Does she realise that kids aren't allowed to stay home on their own? I'm pretty sure I had to explain that one at some point too.

[Meridith]

Hmm....it is tough. I have this battle daily - hourly over just about everything. It zaps the joy out of parenting.

Something we do is make sure that *not* cooperating isn't fun. DD doesn't want her nappy on...ok, but she has to sit on the bed/couch etc until she has her nappy on. I stay nearby but I don't make it fun and every time she gets off her bed I ask if she's ready for a nappy change (because she's off the bed!) and if she says no, it's back on the bed with my broken record: "It's ok to not have a nappy change but you need to stay on your bed until you are ready for mummy to change your nappy".

If it is an issue about getting ready to go out I use two things. One is - if it is somewhere she wants to go, I remind her that if she doesn't do blah then we will have to stay home because it will be too late to go out. If it is somewhere she doesn't want to go I use a 'bribe'. I promise a sticker or something edible etc for once she is in the car, buckled-in. I also try to have a 'when we get home' activity planned that we can look forward to. I talk talk talk about what we are doing and in what order and talk talk talk about it while we go do it.

Something I read recently (Pantly?) is the 5-3-1 strategy.
5 minutes: In 5 minutes we are getting out of the bath and putting our clothes on.
3 minutes: Getting out of the bath time! In 3 minutes we're putting our clothes on. (scoop child out of bath)
1 minute: 1 minute to put our clothes on! (start getting clothes ready)

Personally...I have not had much success with the above time-system but I know people who have. I find DD copes better with knowing beforehand what she can expect from the next day/morning/arvo and if it something she hates doing - I try to leave her with someone or I find a way to make it fun or have a thank-you surprise at the end (stickers are great).

Finding what works for you and helps you keep your cool will make all the difference. I can't say that it leaves you *enjoying* the experience more but it does take some of the frustration out of it.

[Meridith]

Oh I just wanted to say...I really sympathise. I had a big cry yesterday cos I am just so tired of how much work it is to do something that could be so simple!

[Rinelle]

LOL Kathryn. No, she probably doesn't realise it. I guess I should explain that one. She wouldn't actually want to be left behind though. Once, in the supermarket, when she wouldn't come and I was in a hurry, I said 'goodbye then', and walked away. I only waked a couple of metres before she burst into tears. She's so sensitive that she really takes those kind of things to heart, so I'm afraid to say that I'm going to go anyway.

Meridith: I usually use a bribe too. I just didn't have any handy this morning. That, and I called my sister to ask if she wanted to come shopping, and she said she was leaving to take her DH to work, then would meet me there, giving us a bit of a time constraint.

I guess I just need to stay calm, and be consistent. This only happens when I'm in a rush really, so I guess I just have to live with the fact that people might be waiting for me.

[Meridith]

FWIW I don't think "bribes" are necessarily bad (food ones, perhaps). When I was musing on it I realised that I usually try to provide some fun at the end of a task I don't like (such as food shopping or bill paying) because it has to get done anyway but something too look forward to makes me more eager to get it finished. Study-guides suggest ways to make studying more enjoyable etc and so on. So while I said bribes above, I do think that it depends on how you use and approach the situation that makes it a bribe or a lesson in making the unenjoyable more tolerable...if that makes sense. Maybe I'm just justifying myself so I don't have to live with so much guilt!

Oh and the time thing...I so miss that newborn stage. The only thing they could do to protest was cry. A toddler dawdling every step of the way and arguing with EVERYTHING is soooooo stressful. I allow 10 minutes just to go from the garage door to into the carseat! Everything takes soooooooo long with this thing called 'independance'.

[Heartwood]

The only way I'm able to get Bonnie to side with me in most instances, is to explain everything and talk to her as an adult. I go through what we're going to do, and in fine detail about filling in the deposit slip at the bank, what amount I'm going to deposit, blah, blah, and before she knows it, she's dressed, hair brushed (which almost always results in tears) and shoes are on.
I also ask her if she thinks she'd be able to help me, because you know, I need someone really [strong, helpful] to help me out with the [grocery bags, picking out a new shirt] etc.

Speaking with the Phsycologist yesterday, I realised that we needed to implement some discipline and we've chosen the 1,2,3 consequence (room to calm down, even for a few seconds- she's free to come out whenever she wants)
For things like hitting there's no warning. It's simply not a nice thing to do, and there's the consequence.