"challenging" behaviour 11 months, not sure how to tackle

[tanby]

Hello. I'm really not sure how to tackle some new behaviours has started doing. So far we've taken a really gentle approach, distraction, explanations, removal etc. He's usually a very placid boy but lately he's become more boisterous and determined and if he does not get what he wants he is quite "passionate" about it.

I suspect he is having a developmental leap as he's been really challenging lately, and difficult to please. There's been lots of grizzling (never a grizzly baby) and lots of fighting me and tempers. He fights sleep all the time recently and as we co-sleep we've had many sleepless nights where he's up til 3am, just walking around the bed, trying to get off the bed. Dh says we need to teach him that night is bed time and so he will put him back down etc, this just frustrates him more, he will push us away, throw his head back, kick his legs and wail. Then we let go and he gets up again, smiles and wants to play. How would you deal with this???? i don't know if i should enforce sleeping? he is tired but fighting it.

Other things are fighting nappy changes and getting dressed. He hates this happening, i don't know why, i try to entertain him, but he just wants to get up and go. If i make him lie down - so i dont get poo smeared all over myself he throws his head back and kicks his legs. I try to soothe him and calm him. I dont know if i should be doing this?? I do want him to know that he needs to lie down for a nappy change.

Another thing, screaming hysterically when i take something away - usually things he shouldn't have. My house is pretty child friendly but not everything can be put away. He goes ballistic if he's removed from someting or if i take it away. I try to explain why but i dont think he even listens over the cries. What do you do?

Is this all normal 11 month stuff?? new sense of independance etc? Would love some ideas on how best to guide him please. Dh and i both came from pretty traditionally strict envrionments - smacking, punishment, repetitive no saying etc. We don't want to raise lucas that way, want to allow him to be himself but still some gentle guidance. Think that guidance needs to start now but i'm a bit lost and tired!

[Meridith]

I'll try to come back tomorrow. DD started similar stuff at 10 months. Simple answer - some do, some don't.

[Rinelle]

<hugs> We went through exactly the same thing when Ezri was that age! Gee her tantrums were awful! I learnt to change her nappy while she was standing up, because she just would not lie down! Is Lucas walking yet? If not, you might find things improve when he starts. If he is, it's probably still a practicing stage, LOL.

It does pass. I can't even remember what we did, just got through it as best we could. Ezri did go to sleep though, I don't know if I would have survived her not sleeping until 3am. That said, the only way we could get her to sleep was drive around in the car for half an hour, LOL.

[Bronwyn]

Nessie is 10mths old, and doing a few similar things, though I don't think of them as especially challenging - they're just what babies do. I'll list what she's doing, and what we're doing, in hopes that you might find some of our ideas useful for your own situation.

Co-sleeping. Our #1 rule is no playing in bed. That doesn't mean she *won't* play, but it means we try very hard not to encourage her. No toys in bed, no initiating games, no playing with the sheets, no stories. Bed is for milk & sleeping; we don't want other associations built up in her mind. Lately she's been climbing all over us and generally having fun blowing raspberries at us, and sprawling across our faces, etc. This is usually when we've gone to bed "too early"- she's not tired yet, usually due to a late afternoon nap. I'll try a few times to settle her on the breast, but if she continues to squeal and wiggle away, we'll either get up again for another 15mins (all least one parent & Nessie leave the bed) then go back to bed and try again, or we'll just let her play for a while, while we chat (and let her climb & roll & giggle & poke our faces). We've also found the darker the room is, and the less we talk, the more likely she is to sleep, so when 15-30min of playing is done, we'll dim the lights more, and try again. If Nessie was awake until 3am regularly, I'd be cutting out all her afternoon naps, keeping her awake (and probably grizzly) for a few afternoons in a row, until her sleepy body demanded earlier evening sleeps. Also, making sure that waking in the night wasn't too fun or interesting for her.

"I want it!" screams - For example, Nessie loooves pulling books off bookshelves, and chewing on them. We've made it a bit more physically difficult, by packing books very tightly on the shelves, but she still does it. With a couple of weeks of constant redirection, she will in preference now pull DVDs off the DVD shelf instead - she's allowed to do that. I say "No, *Mummy's books*.", or just "No!", pick her up and move her to the DVDs or some other distracting toy, and say "Here, you can play with this." (You could cut out the word "No" if you don't like it, but I think its an acceptable and succinct way to express that something isn't allowed.) The key for us is redirection - giving her something else to do, preferably something that's *kind of* similar to what she was wanting to do. If redirection isn't working in a particular instance, and she keeps going back to her disallowed behaviour, I pick her up (she's usually sooky-crying) and walk her around for a while, hugging her and telling her that I know Mummy's books are tasty, but she just can't have them. I walk around talking softly to her, and once the crying starts to die down, I distract and entertain her by doing some activity or pointing to interesting things, keeping her physically away from the area or thing she was interested in before.

Bait'n'Switch - If Nessie has grabbed something we don't want her to have (e.g. she's trying to tear up the TV guide), and there's two of us around, Dh & I will tag team to get it away from her without tears. E.g. DH will say her name and attract her attention with silly noises or a jingly toy, and while she's not looking, I'll super quick swipe the forbidden toy (TV guide)away, and exchange it for an allowed toy, and/or DH will keep up the distraction, and let her grab the toy he's holding. The key here is that once you whisk the forbidden toy away, you *must not let her see it again* - it must appear to magically disappear.

Don't Start What You Don't Want to Keep Happening - It's a temptation to let Nessie do something for "just a little while" or "just this once", but our general rule of thumb is that if we don't want a behaviour to continue, we don't let it happen at all. She can and does learn patterns, and will remember (slowly, with lots of repetition), which things aren't allowed, and will try to do them less if we're consistent. For example, the longer Nessie gets to play with a "forbidden" toy, the more she will scream when its taken away, usually.

We also do a lot of physical control of the environment, removing and hiding tempting things, so we need to say "no" less often, and provide alternative toys for her to play with.

Nappy Changes. Nessie is doing this too, lately. Our best method is to give her a small toy (like the nappy ointment jar) to play with during changing. Something she doesn't normally get to play with, or a squeaky noise-making toy works best for us. She'll usually lie still then. Nappy changes are very boring to a mobile baby, so we like her to have something to occupy her interest. Sometimes she will still scream & squirm, and sometimes I will physically hold her still for the change, and sometimes she'll subside once she realises she's not getting away. Other times she'll squirm free and have to be brought back again and again. She loves to crawl away while her pants are being put back on, and sometimes we indulge her in this (it's not like it's the end of the world if she's crawling and wiggling while being dressed). I hold her in my lap for getting her dressed when she's being extra-wiggly, and this sometimes helps a bit. Or, DH will hold her around her chest dangling in the air, swaying her from side to side or occasionally bouncing her up and down, keeping her entertained while I pull her pants on. And of course, the overall best solution is just to make things *very quick* - have a pre-folded nappy and whisk the clothes on and off before the bub has a chance to blink. In most circumstances, our nappy-toy strategy works well; that's our standard.

Hope something in the above helps you!

Bronwyn

[Bronwyn]

PS - Don't stress over "explanations" of why an 11mth old can't do something. They don't have the language skills to understand. Pick a short word or phrase, and repeat it a lot in context, to build associations for the future. Remember that long explanations are for *your* benefit; your child won't grasp them yet, and probably wouldn't care if they *did* understand.

"No" is a favourite here, as is "That's Mummy's/Daddy's [object name]", or "Not for you.", reinforced almost always with a physical accompaniment of taking something away, holding something in place (e.g. to stop a drawer being opened), or moving her away.

Keep your explanations no more than 3 words in length, is my advice, and understand that your main means to communicate at this age is facial expressions, and physical actions. (Think how well your bub manages with these to tell you "I want it! Give it back!")
Bronwyn

[emma]

He sounds like a perfect and normal 11 months old. It is positive that he is becoming aware of his environment and knowing what he needs and wants. Some babies are brighter and more assertive then others.

The wonderful thing about this age is distraction, which doesn't last so before you take something you he may be satisfied with swapping the experience.

Once my children started to stand they were so excited that all nappy changes had to be done standing up. Holding onto the outside of the bath with bathmats to protect from falls works well to stop the spread of pooh.

Sleep can be a tricky issue because sleep is a fairly vital part of life for parents. Unfortuantly you cannot make a baby sleep - though i have often searched their backs for an off switch. Hopefully it will pass very briefly - i would be as boring as possible at night and maybe he decide sleep is a better idea.

[chase]

All sounds normal to me based on my own experience with DS (20months). Sounds like your bub is simply making that transition to toddlerhood which can catch you off guard particularly when it feels like they have changed almost overnight. I know at times I've felt like things have changed and I've been ill prepared for the next 'phase' but you learn on the job and catch up with their new stage of development until they change again that is!

Daily "challenges" are the norm in our household and it really requires creativity to get through them. Although what works one day may not work the next. Toddlers are good at making you think outside the square! It is hard to be consistently creative and fun though when you are tired and sometimes you will just be annoyed and frustrated. Getting through these moments day by day is part and parcel of the parenting gig I think.

Dh and i both came from pretty traditionally strict envrionments - smacking, punishment, repetitive no saying etc. We don't want to raise lucas that way, want to allow him to be himself but still some gentle guidance. Think that guidance needs to start now but i'm a bit lost and tired!

I think it's great that you have recognised this and that you want better for Lucas. If you are interested in further reading I would recommend "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by Hilary Flower (LLL). Lots of great tips and suggestions in there.

Good luck & enjoy! Along with some of the challenges in toddlerhood comes some of the most wonderful and joyful moments that you will never forget.

Niki

[Winnie1]

I don't know if you use disposables or clothies BUT for a couple of weeks here we are in some temp accomodation and have a communal laundry between a LOT of people - so we are using a pull-up disposable.

DS is near 10 months now and a very active boy, ever since he could roll over at about 4 months, he has been a real challenge to change his nappy. He just will not lie down.

At the moment he just practises his walking all day at any opportunity, so the pull-ups are working a treat.

[KristinC]

Yep Tanby all sounds pretty normal to me.I know it's really hard to make that transition from baby to toddler, and I struggled with it too. My strategy would be not to fight it. For instance, is there any real reason he has to lie down for nappy changes? Maybe you could stand him up in the bath or shower for a rinse off instead. Or maybe put a towel on the floor in front of the TV so you have something to distract him during nappy changes. I'm sure you can think of some way of getting around this. As for his protests when you take something away from him, I really think that it is easier to modify the environment than the child. Obviously this is not possible in all situations eg at friends houses, but at home this is the fastest and easiest way to avoid that conflict. Also it might help to change the way you approach it, eg "thankyou! You found my keys. Can you help me put them up on the table where they belong? Thanks!" Just avoiding the conflict as much as possible. The power struggle is a classic part of the toddler era and any way you can find to get around that will be so much easier for you and him. Saying no or providing an explanation is pretty useless (due to the language skills and also the fact that as far as he's aware, he is the only person with wants or needs) and likely to frustrate you both.
For me, it was really useful to ask myself if this is a real problem, or if it is a question of me wanting my son to do as I say. Anything that falls into the latter category is probably not worth the stress.
Most of all.. just try to go with it. All these stages come and go and before you know it, he'll be on to the next thing.

[tanby]

Yep i think you guys have definately hit the nail on the head, he is definately changing and its a really strange thing to see! I guess i am surprised by my placid little baby becoming so much more boisterous and independant!

You've also given me some fantastic tips thank you!

I use cloth nappies, i'm not co-ordinated enough to do him standing up, so far i just try to distract him with some special toys he only gets at the change mat, and yep i've had to go to the floor because i just can't risk him falling off now that i can't keep him on it.