Aggressiveness in children

[wirrabbi]

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! This is driving me to insanity. Where am I going wrong? Jarra is nearly 5 and we are still going through peaks and troughs with his aggression. At the moment, due to our current situation I think, is a severe peak - yesterday he hit Arusha over the head with a metal spade which produced an instant lump and a small cut. I thought that he had the basic understanding at this age to know that this is not on. Its not only Arusha copping it but also some of the other kids he was playing with (younger and older). He has also developed this aggressive growling voice when he is angry and he tells us to 'shut up'.

Jarra first started acting out aggressively towards Arusha when she was just a couple of months old. However, after recently reading Aletha Solter's "Tears and Tantrums", I have realised that he was showing other aggressive behaviours even before Arusha was born: head banging, throwing things, tipping his food/drink onto the floor.

After reading Aletha Solter's book, I am left wondering whether this is largely due to the fact that whenever he cried about anything I always fixed it by offering him the breast. Since stopping breastfeeding at 2 years 3 months, he has also taken up nail biting and what I feel is comfort eating - anything to suppress the emotion?

I am also concerned that I have done the same with Arusha - whenever she is upset she asks for milk, she has also started biting her nails and she is now returning the favour to Jarra by hitting him back.

I feel totally at a loss at the moment - I started working on some of the suggestions that Solter offers in her book but I have found it too intense to try and be so fully present to each of their aggressions/upsets especially when I am at such a low myself.

At times I have seriously thought about seeking professional help for this but I figure they are just going to tell me that it is due to his unsettled home environment (we have been travelling for 4 months and are currently getting ourselves established in one area which is proving to be quite a hectic time. Jarra also seems to have had a very slight stuffy/blocked nose the last few weeks and his motions have often been quite frequent and loose.

I just don't know what to treat first - is there an illness that is causing his increased aggression, is our unsettled home environment creating the illness (he is normally a very healthy child who rarely gets sick), do I need to seek help for myself to deal with issues relating to my own upbringing and how to deal with aggressive behaviour - do other people treading the natural parenting path want to act out aggressively when they see someone getting hurt?

I am almost at the point where I just can't make a decision for myself as I am really feeling too overwhelmed and just need someone to tell me what I should do. So if anyone's got any suggestions, they would be much appreciated.

[Eilleen]

Jack, I can almost feel your anxiety over this. I think that to deal with any difficult situation, you need to have the strength and confidence within yourself to do it. You need to build up these things up in yourself.

Have you tried kinesiology for all of you?

Do you think counselling for yourself regarding your own issues may help at all?

I hope you find some clarity soon.

[´*~·Meje·~*`]

Firstly I just want to say - Its normal!!

The culprit is testosterone. I have experienced the exact same thing. I seriously sugest getting a copy of Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph as a start to help you understand whats going on.

Its hard isnt it?!

[justincredible]

I was just going to suggest what Mel said. I have a brother who has just come out the other side of this, and it was quite scary to watch sometimes.
I do honestly believe it's purely developmental and trying to find a "blame" or trigger for it is going to unproductive for both of you.
Full term breastfeeding in other cultures does not show any links with aggressive or violent behaviour or comfort eating.
The best thing to do is continuously remind him of how his actions impact on others. Show him Arusha's pain, make him aware of his own strength. Give him an outlet for violence perhaps? We had a punching bag as kids... and pillows can be useful for venting frustration even for little ones.

Hope it all smooths over soon. This too shall pass.

[wirrabbi]

Thanks so much for the responses.

Eileen - can you fill me in a bit further as to what benefit kinesiology would be - I don't know much about it.

Mel - I had read about the testosterone surge at around age 4 in 'Raising Boys' but didn't really expect it to be so intense.

Not having had a 'natural parenting' childhood myself, I feel at such a loss as to how to respond to such aggressiveness - any suggestions? Sometimes I feel so permissive and tolerant of this behaviour because sometimes I don't respond because I don't know how to - I'm sick of hearing my voice echoing on about being gentle and not hurting others (and he doesn't need to hear this because he knows it all - he's certainly heard it enough). When I am feeling connected and centred, I ask him if he would like a cuddle after he has acted aggressively - it seems to me what he is in need of at times like this. Today he picked up a milk crate and was going to hit me with it but I was able to grab hold of it. He seemed a bit surprised himself at what he had just done...yes, the testosterone thing is making more and more sense now - I will have to check the library to see if they have a copy of 'Raising boys' so that I can re-read it.

Maybe I need to encourage more physical activity to help him release any build-up of energy - thanks for bringing my awareness to this in your reply, Justincredible. He is more of a craft/drawing/role playing type rather than into boisterous activity.

I am feeling so much better today. Last night I was at such a low point with it all, but I think putting it all down in black and white here helped me to offload.

[justincredible]

It's all part of the journey hey.
I never knew how I would respond to anger in my own kids, knowing that how I was parented was EXACTLY what I didn't want to do, but was unsure of what my options were.
Distraction techniques still work well for us for the moment, but I am always mindful of making DS1 aware that he is experiencing anger, and that it's better for him to explain the feeling to me, than to let it out on me.

We have high days, and low days... and it will all change as he hits the next testosterone cycle. My son is also a more quiet activity kind of kid, but I do find of the days where I encourage him to be wild, his behaviour is general more "compliant" (for want of a better word). He is sedate enough on a happy hormonal high to co-operate with me. Either that or he is fast asleep .

Good luck Jack.

[bunty]

Ooooh Jack, we are on round 2 of the crazy 5's with DS2 and I had forgotten how it was. Xander has been what I can only describe as feral . Lots of anger and yelling. Yesterday he hit his older brother on the head with a toy golf club . All I managed to get out of my mouth was, "Xander..." before he screamed at me and ran off! I found 5 really challenging with Ethan, but he is much more settled now. Xander rages a lot at the moment, and I really feel it is hormonal. We are in upheaval too, having just moved house and town, and I know this has affected him also.

TBH I don't think there is a connection between breastfeeding and the other stuff. Ethan has bitten his nails since he was a young toddler, and I have just discovered Xander now bites his.

The physical activity is a good idea. Ours bounce like mad on the trampoline, and something else that really worked with Ethan was stabbing a pencil into a cardboard box and making holes all over. At first I was alarmed as it seemed like quite a violent act, but then he wasn't to know about real life stabbings and the like, he was just wanting to vent his physicality in a way that satisfied him. Same with jumping on bubble wrap and making the popping sound .

[monstermon]

hi jack,

nice to 'see' you here.

DS has been behaving similarly towards his sister lately, and i think it's largely testosterone-related here too.... I think the feelings boys have are really overwhelming sometimes and they are just learning how to cope with them.


i recently read 'children are people too' (Louise Porter) and 2 strategies she advocates are a kind of 'time away' (not as punishment but 'how about you play in your room/ find a nice quiet place/ play outside until you're feeling better?' type approach and 'time in' (cuddles with mum or dad to calm down, reconnect, regain control of their emotions). it acknowledges that the child *knows* the right way to be, but they have momentarily lost control of themselves and their emotions, so we help them through that. i would still comfort the hurt child first, though, and point out the effect of the aggressive behaviour, as you are.

The other thing I have found really helpful - we are reading 'when i'm feeling angry/sad/happy/kind' books at the moment (Trace Moroney) - got them all on interlibrary loan as our library doesn't have them.
I have found them really useful as a tool to help all of us remember that there are no good and bad emotions - they are all valid and OK emotions - The books talk about different ways of expressing those emotions, and what is OK and what's not. I really struggled with DS's anger as I came from a house where anger was not acceptable so we have all grown up supressing it!

I have read something (maybe also porter's book?) that said hitting objects is still considered agressive behaviour and doesn't encourage practising self-control with anger. things like going to a quiet place to calm down, or physical activity like running or playing with a ball were some suggestions they had to vent the strong emotions, followed by talking about it after calming down.

anyway, goodluck, it sounds really challenging, and glad you seem to be feeling better yourself too.

monique

[wirrabbi]

Hey Mon, great to hear from you. Hope you are all keeping well. Thanks for the suggestions.

I have Louise Porter's book and it has helped me to apply some gentle techniques (I would like to re-visit the information in it but it is currently tucked away inside the shipping container with all our gear back in SA!). Yeah, I think it is Porter that talks about not encouraging the hitting of objects instead of people and this totally makes sense to me.

Thanks for reminding me of Trace Moroney's books - I had borrowed the angry and happy ones from the library when we were still in SA. I will have to check out the library here as the books might be helpful again as Jarra gains more of an understanding of emotions.

Another thing that I am trying to do is to let Jarra know that I love him at all times, sometimes I just don't like a certain behaviour. Often when I am feeling angry he will say to me "I love you mum" in a way that suggests that he needs to know that I still love him.

Things have calmed down again which is a huge relief. We have introduced morning yoga (at Jarra's insistence) which seems to be setting us all off on a positive note for the day.

One thing I have noticed is that when he seems to be going through these aggressive periods, it also seems to be accompanied with frequent bedwetting - has anyone else noticed this link?