Frustrated 3 year old

[kime]

Hi,
I'm hoping some-one might have some words of wisdom for us. My nearly 3 and a half year old daughter is getting increasingly frustrated. She wants to do herself but when she can't she gets very frustrated. she will yell and scream at me when I try to show her how to do it . She has also started to just break things that annoy her, such as puzzle pieces or tear up a book. This destructive behaviour mostly takes place during quiet time when she has time by herself in her bedroom after lunch. I can't seem to get her to understand the value of property or the things people have done for her.
Do other people's 3 year olds get similarly frustrated or destructive and what do you do about it?
I should mention she is normally a very happy, easy to get along with girl. And she doesn't really express cross feelings.
TIA
Kim

[lulu12345]

my wee man has just hit this stage too, thank goodness its not just him hey, thats they good thing about being able to come here, you find out your kids behaviours are the same as others.

my usually happy content gentle son gets so frustrated he almost throws a tantrum (which we havent had since he was 2), and like u say when i try to help or show him he gets even more wound up. sorry i cant offer any help or tips just wanted to let you know you are not alone and that i am relieved to know im not alone either lol,

I guess its just a time/stage they have to go through and we just have to learn how to best manage the times when they are not coping,

There is one thing we have always done and that is sort of a time out but not a real time out ,

if our ds is having a tough time getting angry, throwing things or just out of sorts we ask him to go to a room where he can compose himself and that he can come back when he is ready,(happy)

we never shut the door or enforce it too strictly its just a way of giving him control over his situation. so he will just go yeah and will walk to another room, may sit ther for a minute or sometimes comes straight back out but then he is right after that, its like he just needs space to get control back over his emotions.

Not sure if it will work with ur wee lass but just wanted to share something we have tried.

all the best ur not alone nicky

[kime]

Hi Nicky,
Thank-you, it's nice to know that my daughter isn't the only one.
I do try and send her to her room when she starts getting out of control to regain composure, but it is hard to remain unaffected when she looks at me like I'm the reason for her world falling apart! Just because I started to show her how to do something.
I still have no idea on how to help her realise the value of things. I am going to have to think of trying to get her to express her frustration in another way maybe?

[Lysianna]

Isnt "value" a subjective label though?
I 'value' my $5 necklace, wouldnt want anyone to chuck it out or break it, that would upset me. Im sure the local pawnbroker would place no 'value' on it though!
My 8yo values a stack of crumpled papers, they are precious to her coz she has practiced her writing on them. Most people would consider them rubbish.
Does your DD have to value the same things you do? Do you place equal value on the things she finds valuable?
Surely its OK for different people to value different things. Maybe explain to her in terms of what you find valuable, "I want these things taken care of please" in addition to modelling respect for the things she values. It might be that you dont know (from one minute to the next!) what exactly it is that she values. Our preferences are always changing so Im guessing theirs do to.
I can empathise with you, its tough coming from the perspective of an adult who can see a much bigger picture than a small child. Oh for the freedom of a childs perspective!!
Strength to you Kime. Hope your 'valuables' manage to remain intact

[sahras mum]

If it always seems to happen in that time that she is by herself, have you tried changing things around?

Sahra never sleeps now but I always lie down for an hour in the lounge and she can lie with me and we look at books (separately) or I set up play doh etc in the room to work on.

I make it clear that mummy is having a rest and if she doesn't want to sleep, she has to just play quietly or rest too. I draw the curtains and play music and after about half an hour she is pretty right to do blocks or lay or whatever.

She may get frustrated later on in the arvo if she is tired and I get the same frustration, its hard! I say if you do that again, I will take it away...and do it. I think it's the age though...not sure that I helped, maybe if you are in the same room it will help protect your things from being damaged?

[Meridith]

Long post ahead, and I shall add that my DD is 28mo but we've just come through one rather trying frustration period (and there are more ahead) but I thought that maybe some of the things I have learnt might be helpful.

Does your DD have to value the same things you do? Do you place equal value on the things she finds valuable?

What Lys said. I recognise that my daughter places value on things that I probably wouldn't have. I can also see that her 'care' is far removed from how I would like something cared for...so if it really bothers me I put it away and will bring it back in several days/weeks/months when I hope that she will be able to care for something in a way that won't bother me as much. If it is one of her special possesions and her loving attention is wrecking it then I sit back and work out why it is bothering me that she is bending her feather in half...usually it is a reflection on how I would treat *my* special feather, or it might be something hard to replace in which case I attempt distraction or let DD know that bending her feather will break it, and we can't get another one...and prepare myself for the tears when feather breaks and I repeat the talk about bending feathers while DD helps me sticky tape it back together. 'It is ok to be upset - your beautiful special feather is broken. Bending, bending, bending feathers breaks their special cartlidge, see that hard piece there? It needs gentle care to stay together.'

It really hurt initially having all this cruddy 2nd hand stuff when friends had beautiful new things for their bubbas, but I am so thankful for it now cos I am really relaxed about it (should say, we look after all things 2nd hand and new, but I can relax about DD's attempts or forgetful periods a bit more with 2nd hand stuff). It is easier to model appreciation and respect for possessions when you don't have many.

For this reason, special books that I don't want wrecked (like favourite ones, or ones that we have bought - we have lots of 2nd hand books) are in a safe place and we bring them out upon request. I still have our puzzles put away and only bring them out for together play, unless I'm ok with them getting lost or wrecked or broken. My aim for self-play toys (at least some) is to get ones that do not have a 'right' way and a 'wrong' way to play with them and I have tried not to influence DD that there is a right/wrong way to play with duplo/dolls/figurines/balls etc as I want her free to use her imagination and feel in control of her things where possible.

This has taken the stress off DD and we don't get quite as many 'do it myself' battles, because I am not so fussed how things get done, iykwim, and DD knows that so doesn't get so angry as to break things (not for a while now, and I hope it lasts). I also try to leave my help/example/assistance unless she asks for it specifically...but y'know, that doesn't mean she appreciates it even then. I've actually found my increasing understanding of the Montessori philosophy extremely helpful in this...and the parenting therapy.

Can you spend some time observing your DD, attempting to work out what in the play process is frustrating her? WIth books - is it her inability to read them? (picture books or read-along-books perhaps) Turn the pages? (thick cardboard might help) What about wooden puzzle boards where you place each piece in a cut-out hole...easier to follow and not so breakable. Is the frustration that she can't put it back together to put it away and move on to next activity? Have a puzzle box/container so that it doesn't matter if it is pieces or not. Or maybe put the puzzles away for a few more months and replace with something more in her grasp atm - puzzles that have identical square pieces maybe. Magnetic white boards with plenty of interesting magnets/chalk board. Considering that your DD sounds like she doesn't want much help - focus on making activities do-able for your DD and if there is something you can't make acheivable for her, remove it from frustrations reach for the time being.

We do quiet time after lunch too - no day sleeps here anymore (sigh), I am working my way towards stretching it from 30 mins to 1 hr (we use an egg time in her room) but am going to need to improve the toy situation for miss independant first. We're collecting 'quiet time' toys - so far we have a small tub of plastic animal figurines, her box of treasured possesions (an origami star and a duck feather reside there atm ), a small bookshelf with not-so-precious books with lots of pictures. I'm getting together a tactile box with fabrics, bows, very large buttons, pieces of wool etc that DD can play with how she wants. I'm really working on steering away from things that need/want my input as it defeats my quiet time and makes it less enjoyable for DD.

On tantrums, something I have learnt is how important it can be to vocalise what you think the child is feeling. 'I can see you're feeling very very angry. That puzzle piece wouldn't fit - you feel angry with the puzzle piece. You wanted to do that hard-work puzzle yourself and mummy tried to help you, but you wanted to do it yourself - you feel angry with mummy. You are feeling so angry right now.' I have been encouraged to stay near the child (but out of hitting distance) while my DD rages and vocalise (though I don't need to talk) to her what I believe she is feeling and also to say 'Mummy loves you. When you have had enough crying we can have a cuddle and talk about the hard-work puzzle. I love you DD.' Some times I can do this, sometimes I can't, but it has made a difference to both the tantrums and the level of emotional closeness/understanding I feel towards DD

[kime]

Thanks guys,
Maybe I'm being too attached to how she treats some toys, at 3 and a half I think she does have an idea that if something breaks it remains broken. I will try and watch for what she values and model respectful behaviour. I guess it bothers me that she gets things quite easily from grandparents and doesn't understand what it means for these people to give something up so that she can have it. but she has never had to go with less than she expects and it bothers me that she has no appreciation for what she has. But that is mine to work out -hey?

As for the frustration - it is quite new and I'm sure it has to do with whatever is happening at her stage of development. I have protected her from it up until now, but she is starting to be aware that there are different levels to acheiving something and she expecting to do things as well as an older child. We try and identify the emotion etc, I guess I will just try and focus on what she can do in the process and support any efforts she makes.

Three year olds have little or no empathy and as the others have said, the idea that something is valuable is a social construction belonging in the adult world. It's the reason my house is child-proof By the same token, if my child was destructive I'd just put important gifts away to be brought at later at a time when their significance could be appreciated. Frustration is huge and so are their emotions at this point. When my son hits frustration point he melts right down. You might find Aletha Solter's book "Tears and Tantrums" useful, it really helped me normalise the three year old level of rage and crying which was feeling overwhelming to me for a while. That kind of reflective listening that Meridith particularly outlined is what we use here and when he's ready he stops melting down and comes for a cuddle. I wish it was a bit sooner sometimes but I was just glad it was over by 8.30 last night so I could watch something on the telly with only a dull roar in the background There are some lovely parenting reflections from Scott Noelle (google!) which are useful reminders of how much our ideas of how the world works are based on social constructs, not on something innate and therefore why our children don't perform those acts instinctively such as taking care of belongings. Sometimes I find the daily email a nice grounding thing, give it a burl!

[Echo]

Ava is 3, she also hates help and wants to do everything herself. I usually let her deal with the frustration and let her know that she can't do everything on her own, everybody needs someone sometimes. but that if she can do it herself she can fly atter. independance is good. But anti-socialism not so much.