Saying "no" at grandparents house

[tanby]

I'm not entirely sure on where to go in regards to saying "no" to lucas and i'm interested in how others dealt with the "touching everything stage".

We're at that stage now where lucas is in to everything! its exciting but also scarey! Basically i started out a little ill prepared, i really had no idea what he would touch and what he wouldn't, so our loungeroom is now sporting a very minimalist look LOL. For me i love that my son is starting to explore and i want to allow him to touch and feel everything he can, i think its how he learns and its incredibly great to see him use something for the first time. So i found the best way was to put away everything that was dangerous, mostly ornaments, cords etc. Not everything could go away so if he does go to the cords or something unsafe i say "danger" and i distract or remove him from it and immediately give him something that is his and explain why the other thing is not for him and why his toy is for him. Sometimes i say "no" its in times when he is touching something dangerous and i cannot get to him instantly to remove him, i guess that started out of habit (first word i instinctually said) and he does know the meaning of it, or well at least he stops doing it long enough for me to get to him. I'm okay with that but i prefer the distraction approach. Basically i just don't thin its a very nice environment to constantly hear no and not be able to touch much that is around you. In our house its not a problem but at the grandparents house it is a bit.

They don't believe in modifying the surroundings for the baby, they didn't with dh and they said that a baby learns no eventually and that learning what they can't have is important. I think lucas understands when he cant have something but i dont need to say no every time for that to happen. I can see how frustrating it was for lucas when i had stuff everywhere that he couldn't touch and i kept moving him. Now he's free to explore and he's happier, and i'm happier too. We don't go to the grandparents house very often but today we did and boy was it a challenge! every minute one of us was running after lucas and there were a lot of near misses with ornaments, the cat etc. (the cat is 18 years old and very over everything). What i kept doing with lucas was moving him to his own things or distracting him and saying "danger" and then introducing him to new toys, saying why it isn't safe etc. My mother-in-law kept saying "no lucas". So we have very different styles there. We've clashed on parenting styles before so to keep the peace i'm happy to let her say the odd no here and there. But i'm worried that as he does get older and more determined, her no's may get firmer and i am just wondering how he will react not being used to it. What are your opinions? do you think no is something he should hear from us first? would it be better to speak to them about not saying no? (i don't think they'll respond well to it, they've already stated they won't move things). And how long does this stage generally last? he is almost 10 months now.... so its just beginning really.

[Jakaluma]

I think children can distinguish between different rules in different houses, so your MIL saying no is probably not going to confuse him. But maybe it will make visits there for you more stressful. Can you spend most of the visit outside? Or make them short visits?

Also, maybe suggest a basket of toys that she can bring out, so he has new things to play with and Grandma is associated with "yippee I get to play with my special basket of toys" rather than "I don't enjoy going there, it's no fun, nothing to play with, boring adult talk and I get told off all the time"

[mammadyl]

Kathi's idea is a great one!

Perhaps you could get in first so to speak at your MIL and say to Lucas something like, "We don't play with x because it's grans (nanae, whatever Lucas will call her) ornament, but come and look at this teddy..." Or some such.

Hopefully your MIL will see how you are doing things and follow suit....otherwise you might just need to say to her "It's really impt that you don't say no to Lucas all the time."

Or something, sorry bit foggy this am....

[Angelsmum]

Same as above, I dont use the word NO I hate it, Im sure like said before Lucas will learn the differernt rules for different houses, and the toy box idea is a great one.

[-april-]

I think the other replies have summed it up nicely but I just wanted to add that I know how much of a pain it is....my mum was exactly the same and we had many words about it. In the end she moved a few of the bigger breakable things and closed doors to rooms that she didn't want him in. As well as bringing out a heap of toys to try and keep him occupied.

But now we don't go there anymore....so I don't have to worry about it...

[gentleness]

Hi Tanya, your little boy is the same age as mine! I think in your Mil's era, they thought it would train the child if they repeated it often enough, but developmentally, at this age there's not really much point saying no. You can drive yourself crazy saying no about 1000 times (and then have to deal with a really negative toddler whose first response will often be to say NO!) or not say no and he'll still be at the same stage in a years time, only probably a bit more pleasant to be with. I think it's so much less stressful for everyone to just childproof so that everything that's low enough for him to touch is ok.

I find with N that if he gets into something he really shouldn't, (like if he tries to duck behind the TV and grab the cords), just calling his name gets his attention long enough for us to get to him and then distract with a game or toy.

I love the great idea about the basket of 'special' toys at Grandma's house!

[la]

i don't think at that age they can get the cognitive understanding of no, sometimes it just slips out though. i try to say "that's not for pepper.....but this is for pepper" and offer something appropriate - which sounds like what you are trying to do.
i dig the idea of special toys there!

[melba]

my kids had to learn diff rules for nana and pa's house - they got it pretty quickly, but we did structure visits so they weren't too stressful eg short visits that include a walk to the park or play outside, plus special stuff that only lived at their house (my ILs still had heaps of things that dh had as a kid which were very interesting to my boys, we just had to sort them a bit so nothing dangerous of too dusty was offered)

just be aware of the next thing nana might be plotting if "no" doesn't work - i made very sure nana knew my response to smacking was a resounding NO!

[tanby]

Yes i am horrified of the idea of smacking!!! and i know that they used smacking with dh and it "worked"... and to a sense maybe it did.... he has no adverse effects from it, he has stellar education habits, a great career, gorgeous demeanor and personality and i have to admit is really well rounded. However i was smacked also and i know it affected me negatively and i am adament that we won't. For me i feel its disrespectful to his personal space, negative to feeling safe and loved and teaches that its ok to hurt other people when you're angry and they do the wrong thing. So that is something i'll have to discuss with them at a later date. A tap on the hand is the same as a smack too which i know that they view it as relatively harmless.

The box of extra toys is a great idea, we usually bring his own up there but a spare set would definately hold his attention a bit more.

[Bronwyn]

My MIL left *mousetraps* on her (and her own mum's) loungeroom floor, hidden under tables, sofas etc., which they didn't bother getting around to thinking about and moving until I went to put Vanessa down on the floor.
There was a long discussion with me, MIL, and MIL's mum, until they were *sure* they'd gotten them all up. Then later they told me they'd found and moved another one...
Oog. <shakes head in disbelief>
I didn't bother to discuss glass ornaments, photos, electrical cords, etc etc.
I just moved stuff to higher shelves that looked dangerous or breakable, without bothering to ask.
They could always tell me "no!" if they didn't like it. Anyway, seriously, we won't see them more than once a year, so I didn't want to make a big deal about it.
Bronwyn