Absolutely lost my way

[mattiesmum]

Ok things are going from bad to worse here!
DS 1 is pulling out all stops to get attention. This isn't really about getting him to help with the new bub or dancing with him with bub in the sling etc etc I am doing ALL that positive logical stuff all the time. This is about an emotional void he has which is manifesting in behaviour that seeks attention...typical 2-3 yr old I guess but It is heading towards the extreme end of the scale. He won't answer me, he won't do ANYTHING I request, he is aggressive. EG: this morning he drove his car into my legs when I was getting the washing out of the washing machine and he really hurt me. (it's quite large you sit in it, can't have it outside as we have a steep block and there is no brakes) I took the car and put it up high in the garage and explained calmly why etc has absolutely no effect he just continues his rampage with other things Firm voice... logical explanations etc no effect...ignoring...no effect Diversion, humour NOTHING works even yelling...no effect. Ashamed to say lost it few weeks ago and for the first time ever smacked once on the leg...no effect. This is from a little boy who was always this gentle, loving, fiesty fun, high spirited honey.
He is running on pure emotion. I have tried verbalising his emotions eg: Your tired, angry, grumpy etc etc he won't even look at me anymore. I have given him heaps of one on one time, I have ensured his special times are maintained, I am lovingly affectionate evey chance I get but I am obviously stuffing this right up.
Please understand I let a lot of "behaviour" go and do concentrate on only the big issues but he really is holding the whole household to ransom. We can't function because he is running around out of control. The only thing we can do is pick him up and put him in his bed and close the door for a couple of minutes. Which I HATE doing it is so "Super Nanny". Can't tell him why at the time because he is usually screaming so loudly its useless so I tell him "why" when I go in to get him. Although this seems to "work" it's making the relationship between us worse he gets sulky and angry and sad. I'm really desperate...couldn't help it I started crying today in front of him
and just said Mummy was sad as we are fighting all the time and he gave me a hug and then continued where he left off. (Peed in the potty and jumped in it actually then ran into the lounge room and peed there, then looked at me as if to say "well what are you going to do about it"?) Advice to have time out in a corner etc is useless he just won't do anything he's told to do or listen when I'm being fair and reasonable. My question is... what do I bloody do!!! What do you all do with extreme behaviour or am I the only NP mum that is getting it (that's what it feels like!!!) Just for the record this is emotional not related to diet or anything as that hasn't changed.

[Lysianna]

Oh no, you sound so worn out by it all! Ive never had 2 so close together and when I try to imagine it I freak out. Here you are in real life, living it and doing it! I reckon by the sound of your current (temporary) state of mind, a change of scenery for YOU, (not to mention the kids) would be a good start towards finding your way back to the perspective you know is hiding within you somewhere. Can you take a walk somewhere close by and let Master 2 run off some energy while you and bubby get to absorb some nature? Some fresh air and stomping out some anger on the pavement might be in order?
Im sure it will pass like they always say! Im feeling for you right now tho..

[´*~·Meje·~*`]

Your not the only one!!

I highly sugest finding a good kineisiologist who works with bush flower essences. It seems that he is having a really hard time processing and accepting the change that has happened in his life since bubs arrival. This would help him alot.

[Lavender]

Wow! Hugs to you, you are doing a great job! I remember the first few months of having two children are difficult. It is really hard to find a balance and get everyone what they need. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Maybe you just need to give it more time to work and ride this out. I know that is probably the last thing you want to hear.
Will he go in a stroller? Can you put him in the stroller and the bub in a sling and go for a walk? This may give you some breathing space.
I totally believe that you can not teach behaviour to a child who emotionally upset by the behaviour. I totally agree with your idea of talking to him when he is calm, no matter how long that takes. I have a friend who puts her child in the highchair to calm down when he is getting out of control. I do this for my son when he is not using his thinking chair properley. They can't get out of it and therefore eventually calm down. They have a good scream and cry at the same time and sometimes this is what they need. Maybe Mattie just needs some space to do this as well. He may have a lot of pent up stress and a good regular tantrum and cry may help him release this. Have you read any of Aletha Solter work?
Anyway, a few rambling ideas.
I hope you find a solution soon.

[Lavender]

Posted at the same time as Mel.
I love Kinesiology as well. Great idea!

[Mama Latte]

My DD2 is a handful also. It seems that you are obviously trying your absolute best and doing all the right things, so dont think it is something you are doing wrong. I think that is one thing all mothers, regardless of method, will automatically do- blame themselves.

You will find your way- I think the biggest secret about motherhood is that it doesnt get easier- it gets harder. I used to think that the baby stage would obviously be the hardest, and whilst it is physically, I think they become more challenging emotionally and mentally as they get older. Trying to deal with the physically hard stage of a baby and the mentally emotionally hard stage of a toddler at the same time the way you are is demoralising and exhausting.

Just be strong, and most importantly, keep consistent with your responses, and make sure your partner is your ally. Dont beat yourself up about smacking him- it happens! We as mothers can only cope with so much. Use it as a learning tool to work out how you will cope with it next time, whether or not you decide to use the smack or not. Many here are fully against it- I think it can have its place, (and we are not here to discuss whether or not smacking is right or wrong- that has been done...people choose different methods for different reasons.)

Good luck gorgeous, I hope you can work it out. x

[monique]

wow things have gone from bad to worse. S ill be back

[bunty]

I have had a lot of time to reflect on how things were when Xander was a newborn, and Ethan was a two year old. I did All the Right Things. I went out of my way to meet Ethan's needs. I couldn't even smile at Xander when Ethan was around, as he was so aggressive towards him and would become instantly jealous. Here is an excerpt from my journal when Xander was 3 months old. Bear in mind pretty much from day dot Ethan was aggressive towards his brother.

Ethan is being rough with Xander on a regular basis and he's either hitting him, poking or headbutting. It's awful to see him make Xander cry, and I just lose the plot and yell at Ethan. Today he ended up in tears after I yelled at him for hitting Xander on the head with a coin. Xander was asleep at the time, so it must have been a rude awakening. I was so angry with Ethan, but after yelling and seeing the tears well up in his eyes, I just feel like the world's worst mama. I apologised to him later and asked him to be gentle with Xander. I wonder when it will pass? It's heartbreaking for him to hurt his baby brother and I can see his heart breaking when I tell him off and console Xander. I have no idea what to do about it. We give Ethan lots of positive praise for being gentle, so we are at a loss.

That is just one example of many many days of similar stuff. By 6 months things had settled down more, but I really had to watch Ethan. He is a child that prior to that had never acted aggressively and was the most peaceful boy.

I guess where I am getting to is that for some children, a new sibling can completely rock their world, to the point where you wonder what you have done in having another baby. Other children readily accept the new addition and carry on as usual. Unfortunately you have a child that is deeply affected and is showing it through his actions. As I said, I followed all the advice for introducing new siblings and really it seemed to make no difference. Over time - many months - things slowly improved. Even well into Xander's second year the aggression was still there. It wasn't until Xander could hold his own against Ethan that things evened out!

One book that really helped me was titled, "One Sock, Three Shoes and No Hairbrush" by Rebecca Abrams. It helped me understand things from Ethan's perspective and gave me some really good tips for helping him adjust. See if you can get hold of a copy. Hugs to you. I sooooo know where you are at right now.

[Rinelle]

Lots of good advice already. I just wanted to add that I don't think it's all completely related to his new brother. Ezri, who's an only child, has many moments where she won't listen to me, won't hear reason, has started hitting occasionally, or running things into me, won't believe me when I say it hurts (says 'no it doesn't, it doesn't hurt) etc. I'm not having much luck with any of the disipline methods. Taking things away doesn't work, in fact, she'll help me put them away. Yelling is only slightly more effective.

Personally, I think it's a stage that they have to go through. In your case, probably made worse by having a new sibling at the same time. Hoping it passes for you soon. Don't beat yourself up, you're a wonderful mother. From reading your posts, it's obvious that you care deeply about your children, and are doing your best to get through this in the best way possible. Just hang in there.

[kime]

Hi Mattiesmum,
Sorry it is difficult for you at the moment. Jus thought I would add that I am a big fan of letting my daughters experience the emotion, ie puting her in her room until she has let some of the stress go. And alking it out later. The other alternative is holding a younger child when they are stressed but only hold an image/experience in your head of somewhere you find joyful. Sounds backward, but it helps in that you are giving them some emotionally positive energy. Try not to think 'oh you poor soul, you should be upset with these circumstances' but only think of your joyful place. You will be amazed how much more quickly he will move through that emotion he is feeling at that time. This works for us. (it is based on some Esther Hicks stuff).