separation anxiety

[esp]

I thought I would post this question on behalf of a friend.
She has a 4 and a half year old girl who seems to have quite a case of separation anxiety.
Last year she began preschool for 2 days a week. It was a constant battle to convince her to go for most of the year but for about the last 5 weeks of the last term she really started to come right. She had also made some progress in that she actually wanted to come and play at my house with my son and didn't mind her Mum leaving. It wasn't perfect but it was HUGE progress.
Over the holidays she took some bold leaps and volunteered to be left with people - friends of her mothers - that she didn't even really know all that well.
Unfortunately a return to preschool hasn't gone so well. Last years preschool cosed down and so she had to begin a new one. This has resulted in tummy upsets as she is leaving the house and her beggin not to go days before she even has to - her Mum staying for an hour to ease her into the day and she still crys and crys when she leaves. Under my constant suggestions she finally pulled her out of preschool last week. She has consulted behavior specialists to see what can be done as the girl will need to start school next year.
The preschool is being very understanding and helpful and trying to accommodate in any way possible so my friend isn't sure what to do.
My suggestion was to just spend the preschool money on joining playgroups and other activities that she can ease into while her mum is present for the duration. I suggested playgroup, an art class of some kind and maybe work to doing something like a dance class by the end of the year. The behavior specialist team thought this was a potentially good solution - but have also suggested that she persevere with preschool but only take her there for shorter periods and stay for half of the time, have specific rituals and a sort of hand over ritual as the mum leaves.
the alternative is to try a family daycare one day a week where her 2 year old brother can also go, and on the other days try some other groups.
has anyone got any ideas? She WILL be going to school next year and homeschooling is not an option. Also alternative schooling is out, though they are looking at trying to get her into a 'smaller' school, whcih is private, catholic and about a third of the cost of an alternative school.
help!

[Rinelle]

This is something that I worry about with my daughter too, as she's only been left with close family, and I don't think she'd cope with preschool. Luckily we are going to homeschool.

I'm not sure if it fits your friend's child's personality, but I found "The Highly Sensitive Child" book a really great read, which helped me understand why my child struggles so much with meeting new people. It also has some great suggestions on easing children into these sorts of situations.

If the preschool is open to it, and the mum has enough time, I'd suggest her staying for as long as she can each time her daughter goes, possibly even the full time. Talk to the teachers, and see if the child would be happier sitting out of activities until she chooses to come in (my daughter is often happy to watch, but doesn't want to participate). Hopefully once she is used to the new preschool, she might start to enjoy it more again? If you can take the pressure off her, and take away the fear of being left there before she's ready, maybe it will settle down?

These are just my thoughts on what I'd try if it were my daughter, not sure if they fit your friend or her daughter of course.

[Jakaluma]

Her daughter will mature a lot over the next 9 or 10 months - she may well be okay to head off to school by then. Give preschool a miss for a few months, just do stuff like playgroups and don't try to leave her - do the "hold her closer" rather than try and push her out, however gentley. When she is ready, she will go happily.

Also, try not to become too het up on how she isn't seperating - it can become more of an issue rather than fade away. Maybe just don't have a situation where she is left for a while. If she has too much of a built in "if Mum leaves, this is how I react", it will be more difficult for her to "do" a different behaviour.

[~Harmony~]

I think the FDC sounds like a good idea, after a back-off-entirely period until she starts voluntarily separating again like she was over summer. Forcing them away before they're ready only results in backwards steps IME. It might be hard now but the rewards come later.

You might like to suggest lots and lots of talking about going to school next year, what it will be like and making positive comments in the meantime to help her form positive self-talk about it - Hannah spent most of last year saying that the children at daycare 'didn't want to play' with her - which wasn't the case, she was often asked to play but she was too timid to join in their 'rough games' as she described them. I spent the summer break mentally preparing her to change to the preschool room by speaking of it most days, and basically telling her she'd grown so much, she would be big enough to play 'rough games' with the older children, especially as she enjoys 'rough games' with daddy so much Sure enough, she charged in confidently and has a great time interacting with the children, the only comment she makes now is that some of them don't share as well as she might like I just remind her that it takes a long time to learn how to share and to be patient...sorry to hijack, just wanted to share our journey

[Flamdoozle]

I think your ideas are sound, esp. Although, you can't prepare a child to separate for something like school a year away, so doing it earlier than is really necessary just sorta drags it out for the child. Anyway, she could be ready next year for such a separation.

My opinion is strongly on the natural side of things and this is true for this situation too. Children were not left with people they were unattached to, at all, before modern changes. Many cultures still abide by that, mostly by accident, not by design. In these places teachers are a part of the child's community/village and the parents socialise with the carers of their children.

Attachment is an instinct, and children "clinging" and titles like "separation anxiety" are also modern words to describe a very important mechanism in children.

Well attached children are the most manageable, as we all want to please those we are most attached to (including us adults). If a child starts to attach to other children, as many western kids are literally forced to do at young ages, the parents lose the power and we end up with "discipline problems". These start off as strong separation anxiety moments and the child finding the attachment void is filled by peers.

In a nutshell, follow the child. Always follow the child. Their instincts are sharp, ours have been dulled. She no wanna go, then no go. The need for "socialisation" is a myth, kids inherently know how to socialise, how to be authentic. They are simply wired to stay firmly attached to their significant others (for longer than is convenient for us, generally). And this is unfortunately misconstrued as some kind of social problem.

[Jools]

This is really hard and luckily not something i have to deal with for a while. Play group is a good idea, if that don't work. Tell your friends that maybe she could try asking if some of the mums at this preschool would like to do play dates as this will encourage her daughter to make friends and her mum will be there with her. When she starts preschool then she will have some friends there.

Hope that helps.

[mummabare]

I was just wondering if it was stressing your friend out alot, just to look at the option of possibly waiting another year and just starting her a year later. It worked fine for my cousin who was a very timid young girl, but she was fine when she started.

I think maybe some just arent ready as soon as others to be left in the care of other people you know.

She may well settle before then tho...best of luck. Hard stuff for a mummy.