Instinct vs Research

Jasper · #1 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 11:43 AM

I was just thinking about a conversation I had with my SIL in relation to parenting. In the conversation she said something rather insulting to me and I quote
"You're the type of person who does a lot of research whereas I like to rely on my own instincts"
which made me feel like I had no maternal instincts and if it were not for this website or books, I would be lost.
That got me to thinking, how many of us following our instincts, and exactly what is an instinct in regards to mothering, and if we do research on parenting issues, are we then not relying on our natural instincts and just following what others say?

´*~·Meje·~*` · #2 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 11:48 AM

Ive always found that my research backs up my instincts. I also feel that 'we' as a society have been taught to not not trust our instincts, but researching can awaken this instict.

skn · #3 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 11:53 AM

I agree with Mel that as a society we have lost our ability to listen to our instincts or intuition. We generally second guess everything. For me AP is following my instinct (and as Mel said, the research just backs it up)

bunty · #4 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 11:56 AM

I do a lot of research, but my choices sit well with me and my gut instinct. I found I didn't have a lot of natural instinct when it came to babycare. I went by the mainstream parenting books but after a year or so started to stray away and become more AP, partly because I wasn't comfortable with some accepted practices as I evolved as a mum, and partly because what was working was more AP stuff. Being involved with ABA also made me less mainstream in the parenting spectrum.

If you relied on your instincts alone, you could end up in a terrible place. What about the US mum whose baby was refusing the breast, but they didn't want to formula feed it? The baby ended up dying after being fed a special rice milk mixture made by the parents. Instinct told them formula wasn't a good option, but without knowledge or 'research' behind their choices, they made an awful mistake. I know this is an extreme case but I was trying to make a point.

Perhaps it isn't so bad to err on the side of research? Evidence-based parenting tends to guide us to a more AP approach anyway

.

Jasper · #5 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 11:57 AM

Good point. Thats is the way I feel about it and wish that I had the words at the time to say that to her.
I guess it ws even more insulting coming from a woman that I strongly believe has very shoddy parenting methods and if someone like that tells me I dont either have or follow my instincts that is like the ultimate insult. Especially since we have had to end up doing similar things ie bottle feeding and dummies even though I have shouted from teh roof tops about how against these two things I am. Damn that hypocrosy! he he he

Artemis · #6 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 12:14 PM

I think that our research informs our instincts. We don't just pluck a course of action from the ether - or instincts are the layering of information, past experience and research that we have about a topic. I like to research stuff and see what I derive from that. I use instinct but it is based on all the elements I mentioned before! Also, like Bunty, when it came to parenting I had no clue.. I knew what I instinctually DIDN'T want to do, but choosing a parenting path required research and discussion for me.

gentleness · #7 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 12:16 PM

Just want to say that I feel sometimes people parent the same way their parents did, which is not really instinct but learned behaviour. I think research is valuable to clarify whether we're doing what we do because it's the only way we know or whether it's really the right way to get us to the place we really want to be with our kids.

I do agree instinct is a wonderful thing, and I'm sure Suzie that you do have that good 'gut feeling' about your parenting choices. I feel my ways are quite instinctive, but I have to say that they also many times call for some conscious thought. I also love research and I often research my choices in order to feel justified, if that makes any sense.

emma · #8 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 01:09 PM

I have found both instinct and research to be wonderful tools.

Whilst i did found breastfeeding an instinctual action it was with increased breastfeeding knowledge that led me to feed each child longer. My first was feed til 9 months and my fourth is still feeding at 2.

My learned behaviour tells me to hit my children when i am feeling frustrated by not being able to control them. Instincts tell me it is never OK. Research tells me i am increasing numerous risk factors for their emotional health and them abusing or being abused.

Other things come purely from from instict such as comforting a crying baby. Yet is nice to know the research when others talk about the virtues of CC

I'm not realy sure what an instinct is but i sense i am following them when i feel like the path is one of ease and we all feel happy.

Wilma · #9 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ´*~·Meje·~*`

I also feel that 'we' as a society have been taught to not not trust our instincts, but researching can awaken this instict.

I totally agree, i think research helps us believe what your instincts tell us but socially we are told is not done. How can it be instict to listen to your child cry and not respond for example?

Jasper · #10 (**permalink**) 15-02-2007, 01:57 PM

well thats what was so confusing for me as well. This comment came from a girl who never even tried to bf, who not only ccd, but sent her child off to her parents nearly every day and feeds him rubbish. How is that instinctual? I agree that most of what is "instinctual" comes from learnt behaviour from our parents, friends and other family members. Why is it that researching from outside areas is therefore not instinctual?