Our Thinking Chair: wot do u think?

[Cuppa-Love]

Okay, so I didn't want to do this but I did today.

A friend came over with her kids and Kai was not sharing, he was taking his things from the other kids and getting cranky and started to throw stuff.

He is used to me taking things if he is being destructive - I put them in the cupboard until he says sorry. SO today I put him on a chair, 1metre from the table where I was talking to my friend. He seemed to cotton on pretty quickly what the deal was although, naturally, he cried and tried to get off and go play a few times. He wanted to hold my hand too - should I have let him or not?

Eventually, after 15mins, when I asked if he wanted to say sorry he nodded and came to me and said sorry. Then he went and said sorry to his little friend too. He then was quite clingy and tired and just wanted to cuddle me.

I know he is at an age where sharing is hard but do you think this was a gentle thing to do?

I didn't leave him alone or ignore him or call it a naughty chair so I am hoping it is gentle - but what do you think, or what do you do?

Am I damaging him or beig to harsh on myself?

Getting the balance right for both myself and Kai is important and if there is a better way i would do it.

[gumbymumma]

I dont think you are being harsh. I personally think it is important for littlies to be able to think about what they have done and to know why it wasnt the right thing to do for themselves.

I put my daughter in her room for 2 mins after repeated warnings if she continues, and at the end of the time she without prompting says "sorry for (whatever it was)" and doesnt do it again.

I think your idea is great, by having just a chair, in the middle of all the action, not too far from you. I might try that next time. Maybe still for the 2 mins, and a specific chair every time.

About the holding the hand thing, if he wanted to do it, I would have let him if you were worried about being to harsh, it definitely wouldnt be harsh IMO to have him within arms length, holding hands to think about what he had done

[earthslings]

HI,

I used to do this only with a step but only because I didn't know what else to do. It always worked short term but never realy helped explain to the child where they went wrong and what my expectations are. I think the talking without the punishment is enough and time out, time in or any isolation or forced sitting in a chair are punishments.

Learning to share takes time and my 2 younger kids have learned this just as easily without punishments.

Each to their own though. 15 mintues would be an eternity for a young child. I have heard it recommended that the time out should be as many minutes as the child's age so a 3yo would have 3 minutes a 4yo 4 minutes etc.

Sam in Sydney

[~*Nile*~]

I think it's how you and your DS percieve the chair. If you describe time in the thinking chair as time on your own to think about being destructive, which you do, I think it's fine. I don't like the term 'naughty chair'. I think it can be dangerous to label sometimes normal age appropriate behaviour as naughty.

Time in the thinking chair is better than smacking them imo.

[liamsmum02]

Yeah I think it's fine but agree that 15 minutes is probably a bit long. Definately gentle though and not harsh - I would have held his hand if he wanted to.

For a 2 year old though sharing is a pretty big thing to learn and it does take time. I think they especially find it hard sharing particular toys and it is hard having someone come in to your "territory" and start touching all your things.

You could have tried staying with them and talking about it, taking a bit of time to guide them - it's X's turn now and then it will be Kai's turn soon - holding Kai or distracting him with another toy while X has their turn and then being there to swap the toys over.

I think doing it with them while they're learning would help them learn about sharing quicker than making them sit and think about it - they are probably not really thinking about better ways they could have handled the situation but rather "When can I go back?"!

[emma]

I tried time out with DD#2 but after a reliesed it was only making her behaviour worse. It was also building a wedge in our relationship, Have also reliesed that they will learn social skills such as sharing when they are ready just as they learnt to talk and walk. I haven't met many adults who snatch things.

My style of parenting is to be on their side and help them when they are finding a situation difficult - such as Mary has described. Empathy and a change of scenery can be useful

Occasiionaly i have asked them to sit on my lap for a while if i feel the situation is getting way out of control and they need a break from it.

[sweetchili]

ditto to what Mary said.

15 minutes was probably too long, and at his age he would have been more thinking 'when can i go back' rather than 'next time i must do this'.
I definately would have held his hand too....quite often in child care the two 'time-outs' i use have been, (after 2 warnings)...
1. 'Come and stand with me(holding my hand) while you calm down'
2. 'Come and sit on a cusion with ONE toy or book, for a little minute to calm down'.
then i return to the situation with the child and help to sort out the problem.

From what I learnt in child care/TAFE, 'time out' should be for calming down, (so we can then return to the action in a more positive mood) rather than a punishment. If time out is putting them into a more upset state...its not working.

I also agree with what Mary said about joining the play for a while.
I know you probably want to have catch up time with your friend, but if you do the ground work of spending ten to fifteen minutes right at the start all playing together encouraging sharing then you will be more likely to be able to move away and not have so much interuption . When i have visited with some friends of mine, they always sit on the floor/grass/sandpit with the children and start playing together interacting with all the children, before casually starting to move up to the chairs!

I would also talk to Kai before you the guests arrive, perhaps he might like to put his toys into two categories....
1. Toys he wants to put away so the others dont play with them,
2. Toys he really wants to show his friends and share.
Although he is still quite little, talk to him about sharing before they arrive...perhaps ask your guest to bring a toy or two so they are BOTH sharing.

Best of luck with it!

[Bronnie]

i don't think it's harsh but i do think it doesn't work. he's learning to say sory, not that he is sorry (of course he might be). so he's learning that by acting a way others desire, he'll be able to go and play - but he won't necessarily learn about his own actions and consequences

[Cuppa-Love]

Keep it coming!!! Thankyou.

This is good for me - my gut tells me it is a punishment too and so I have a avoided this kind of discipline. I feel awful I didn't hold his hand but because he was sitting near me I was on the line of thinking that if I didn't do it properly I shouldn't do it at all, and holding his hand was kinda of like a reward - skewed, but I was struggling with what was happening and just went that way with it.
Also, I had spent some time with the kids while they settled in together - then Kai jsut got this streak of "I'm taking whatever you pick up" and that's what I was reacting to. I guess also because he was next to me and I kept saying "you say sorry and you can go and play" that 15 mins wasn't too long??? I also knew he wouldn't be thinking about what happened but something needed to happen for him to realise that the situation was out of hand (the other little girl was getting upset).
The other thing I also worry about is the saying sorry part - I want him to learn it but I don't want him to be sorry ALL the time. Aaahhhhh! Achieving balance is so hard.
I feel so bad I didn't hold his hand!!!!

[Cuppa-Love]

Bronnie - that's what I meant about the saying worry but couldn't put into words!!!! So maybe I could just say to him he has to sit out for 3 mins and then just let him go play again???