At such a loss!

´*~·Meje·~*` · #1 (**permalink**) 20-01-2007, 09:00 PM

I just dont know what to do anymore!

Eli is now 4 and Jonas 2. There is the usual fighting and bugging each other and now even the physical fights. That I can cope with. What I am at such a loss with is how to handle Eli's agressiveness at Jonas. He can be really, really nasty and spends alot of time picking on him. Its getting worse and alot more frequent. He will seak him out or when they are playing nicely he will hurt Jonas for no reason at all. He will pinch him and has even made him bleed a few times now. Will hit him, push him over - just walk up behind him and shove him for no reason and poor unsuspecting Jonas has been really hurt many times from this now.

Its starting to go beyond 'normal' sibling rivalry and is becoming bully like behavour. In any other situation Eli is very quiet, placid and gentle, but with Jonas he can be sooo horrible and can do some really nasty things that are not provoked and do not appear to be a result of the usual dramas that can arrise during play.

He just seems so angry. I now his is feeling lots of anger about his dad leaving and we are working on allowing him to worck thru and express it. But I feel that it will have a very negative effect if it is taken out on Jonas like this for much longer. Its just not fair for him to have to live like this, but I just dont know where to go from here!

Eilleen · #2 (**permalink**) 20-01-2007, 09:03 PM

How awful for all of you, Mel.

Do you think Eli would be amenable to going to see a kinesiologist? Just to help him find a more "healthy" way in dealing with his emotions?

I wish I can help more.

´*~·Meje·~*` · #3 (**permalink**) 20-01-2007, 09:06 PM

Yeah, I should look into that, thanks Eilleen!

~Harmony~ · #4 (**permalink**) 20-01-2007, 10:04 PM

Maybe offer an alternative for him to act out those feelings on - friends hung a beanbag from the rafters on the verandah, and told their son if he needed to punch something, he was to punch that - no more getting in trouble for hitting, he thought that was pretty good and in a few months, this too, had passed

liamsmum02 · #5 (**permalink**) 21-01-2007, 07:03 AM

Liam was getting like that Mel - except it wasn't only with Ewan it was with other kids too. I actually told him about bullies and that what he was doing was being a bully. Liam was horrified to think that he was being a bully - he really didn't mean it like that he said. I asked him how he would feel if Justin, a friend that he really loves and looks up to, was doing the same things to him. And I asked him if he wanted people to think he was a bully.

Anyway, Liam has come a long way since then - you know how they seem to go through phases and just one day you realise they're not doing it much anymore. Now when Liam does strike out it's usually because of a valid reason - though we are working on getting him to come to me rather than hit/push Ewan. I think part of the problem is their inability to express themselves. I read somewhere recently that we really need to work with boys and give them the right words to express their feelings - I'm sad or I feel angry isn't always the right word for certain situations. Can't remember where I saw that - should try to find it though.

So, despite your other issues with Scott, I'm sure some of it is "normal" 4 year old behaviour.

It's awful seeing our sweet boys so angry and aggressive.

kelli · #6 (**permalink**) 21-01-2007, 02:50 PM

beren is the same if it is any consolation. not sure what to do either

mattiesmum · #7 (**permalink**) 21-01-2007, 06:34 PM

In the "raising boys" book I'm pretty sure that it said that this is the age they get a surge of male hormone? Could that explain it a little?

Jeshanem · #8 (**permalink**) 13-02-2007, 01:19 PM

My eldest DD has always been like this with DD2. It would break my heart watching how she would upset and hurt her younger sister. My brother did the same to me and it brought back memories as DD1 is a lot like my brother.

Nothing has helped, but DD1 has slowly started to grow out of it now that DD2 can fight back and stick up for herself.

Take care and I hope it passes soon for you.

hanabi · #9 (**permalink**) 13-02-2007, 01:50 PM

Sometimes it can help to place him among some older boys for a bit of play. That works for my oldest.

I like the beanbag suggestion. Could use that technique myself sometimes.

Sometimes I might ask, "How does Jonas feel right now?"

I show admiration for the child who stops the fight (though it depends how heated the fight gets) especially when it descends into 'his fault/her fault' territory.

We get it here too Mel and I'm sure it's a developmental thing for boys (girls too?). Not only does Kiran do it to Kai but Kai also does it to Mira when the older two are at school. I think it fulfills a need (for control?) at times of conflict and confusion.

bunty · #10 (**permalink**) 13-02-2007, 02:10 PM

Ditto to what Jodie said. I think a few years back I wrote a post along the same lines. At the time I didn't really have the opportunity to get E to mix with older boys. It seemed to be that he was always the top dog and always held the upper hand. Last year E has been able to mix and socialise with some older boys and I think it has helped him a lot. Of course he was 6 then, and a lot easier than a 4 year old

. I do feel it is something they grow out of, but it does take some time. Xander is a fairly fiesty boy too, and by the age of 3 was giving as good as he was getting. I would say he has become quite a tough nut, partly because he has learnt to protect himself. I know it doesn't sound at all gentle, but I think things have worked out pretty well.