Destructive behaviour?

[Rinelle]

Ezri has started being really destructive, not angry, just like she's trying to work out what will happen. She'll be playing with something, then start pulling it apart, or throwing her toys all over the floor, stating that she 'wants to make a mess'.

I'm just wondering what sort of strategies people used to deal with this sort of behaviour? Initially we just fixed the toys if they could be fixed, and told her they couldn't be fixed if they couldn't, and now I'm wondering if this has just made the problem worse? ie, she's thinking that what's wrong with breaking it, mum will fix it.

Getting more frustrated with it now, so usually end up yelling at her (often in an attempt to stop her tearing something apart before I can reach her). Hoping for some other strategies, as I really don't like yelling at her.

[mandison]

I think it's a stage that they all go through.

In our house destructive behaviour means the toy goes away for period of time, up on the fridge or on top of the cupboard...usually so it's still in sight but can't be reached.

Typically they get 2 chances & then it's away after that...I always try to just state it really calmly something like "you need to play gently with your x,y,z or it will break", 2nd warning would be, "I asked you to play gently with x,y,z if you can't play gently with it, it will break. If you continue to do {blah} with x,y,z then it will go away for 3 days", etc. 3rd warning is something like, "ok, I asked you to play gently & you have continued to do {blah}, now it's going away for 3 days", I walk over collect it up and it goes away.

If it's broken, it's broken....and they go in the bin.

Periodically in our house unpicked up toys "go in the bin" as well. They get a number of warnings...if by the third time they haven't made an effort to pick up...out comes the garbage bag and in it all goes! Usually it goes in the shed for a month or so rather than in the bin though

My kids have all learnt pretty quickly to respect their things or they don't have them. But be prepared for a few tantrums on the way through though...my kids have all had some beauties while pointing and screaming about wanting whatever has been put away. In our house though there is no discussion entered into...we don't bargain about it or give it back before the "toy timeout" is over. It's worked for us & these days it's quite a rare event that it happens, now it's usually if they are fighting over a toy rather than the destructive behaviour.

Good luck with it!

[betty]

I would give her something she can be destructive with like playdough, rip it up, squash it etc
or rip up paper and make collage

[Rinelle]

Thanks for the suggestions. She does get paper to play with and rip, and plays with playdoh most days. Trouble is, it's not just rough play that's destroying things, it's very deliberate. She threw her wodden train at DH this afternoon (not deliberately at him, just threw it really hard and he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time), so I took it off her and put it up on a shelf. She cried a little, and said sorry (to me, not DH, LOL), but got over it pretty quickly. But she also tried to pull a little foam airplane (glider thing) that my sister gave her for Christmas apart, and she's done the same thing when given similar things in the past. If it's something like paper, even if it's a drawing of hers or something, it's no big deal, but this destroying of toys is getting tiresome.

Thanks for the advice Amanda, I think I'll give the warnings a go in future, that sounds like a really good idea.

[liamsmum02]

Ewan is exactly the same and with us having tiles in a lot of the living area it's not good!

I do what you just descibed - put things away on a shelf. So when he starts throwing/breaking things - I ask him to stop or it will get put in the cupboard. If he doesn't stop I go take the toy or all parts of it if it's a set - so with him throwing trains the whole thing went in the cupboard for a couple of weeks. He didn't ask for it so I didn't think to get it down. Then once it was down we went through it all over again and now he seems to have grown out of that phase. Phew! Oh and if a toy gets broken on purpose I wouldn't replace it either. And I always tell Liam that if he breaks something of ours (ie kitchen stuff) - on purpose - that it will be paid for out of his money box - he is always quick to stop then!!

[kristamumof3]

Callan has a real throwing problem. We tried everything. The one thing that seems to be working at the moment is putting the toy that has been thrown away up on a shelf for 24 hours. He gets one warning if its the first throw of the day but subsequent throws don't get a warning because I feel at 3 he really does understand the rule. He never seems to care about getting the toy back the next day but I make sure I give it to him. Just the taking away seems to have the impact.

He usually does this kind of destructive behaviour when he is bored or wants my attention so after the toy has been taken away and he is having a tantrum I usually think of a new activity to play.

Remember it is a stage and you will get through it.

[lucky_mummy]

Lilyana is about the same age as Ezri, just 3 months older. She does this. We tried the 'we will throw it in the bin' method, now when she gets in a tired or bad mood she wants to punish herself by throwing her most loved things in the bin, and even the dog and daddy have to go in the bin. So I think the putting it away would be the best method, I wouldn't try a throwing it in the bin line.

She also tears things up. She has kiddy paper cutting scissors and wants to cut and colour everything from books to paper, to anything that will work. We get a bit frustrated because if we are not watching then she might get to something we want to keep for her. So our method there is to always tell her what she can pull apart or colour, and keep the most treasured things out of reach when we are not watching (I know it sounds like we leave our 2.75yo un attended, but they can get away with these things while I sit on here, or am cooking dinner etc, it happens so quickly).

It is hard to know what they can comprehend at this age. We were yelling at her for having her things all over the place, when really we have our things all over the place and there is no set place for her to put her things. We are now making easy tubs for her to throw her toys into, and being a better example. I think if it is a simple concept, they can get it, but when their emotions or tiredness get out of control, they just do the things that might take the most out of them emotionally as a way of 'getting it out'.

Linda.

[Rinelle]

Thanks Linda, sounds a lot like what Ezri is doing. Just pulls everything apart, and it can be quite frustrating. It's so easy for them to do something while your attention is momentarily elsewhere isn't it?

Any suggestions on what to do about emptying toys all over the place (not to play with, just for the sake of emptying)? And just as annoying, tiping full glasses of water on the carpet! She's done that about 10 times in the last couple of days. I can hardly take water off her, LOL. I do try to get her to help me clean it up, not sure if that helps at all though.

Thanks for the warning about not saying you'll throw things in the bin. My mum has been suggesting that, but I don't think DH would be impressed with being put in the bin, LOL.

[lucky_mummy]

Mmm if Ezri thinks it is fun to tip them out, and if you think it is okay to do something like that for fun, then maybe an alternative that is more acceptable for you perhaps? Like making mess somewhere else like outside with sand. If Ezri wants to do it to seeminly annoy you, then you can take the tub of toys away for the day perhaps.

Here I type as my little girl is spreading glitter over her treasured stickers. I explained to her that with glitter glue they won't work anymore, she understood but wants to do it anyway, so I will let her learn the hard way I guess.

With the water, a while ago when she spilled a little, she would deiberately pour the rest out. This started because we used to tell her off or act annoyed if she spilled, it was so hard for us to accept the amount of mess that un co-ordinated little toddlers make. We discovered that instead of telling her off, when we re assured her that it is okay to spill sometimes if it is an accident, she stopped doing it. We even re assured her after she poured the whole cup out, telling her that it was okay to spill she doesn't have to pour it out and would give her a hug. You see, telling her off for something that wasn't really her fault lowered her esteem, and she would let out her fear and disappointment by tipping out her drink.

If Ezri is doing this just to let things out regardless of spilling, perhaps try those cups with lids and straws. They are cheap and in supermarkets and they are hard to get open for little fingers. Then only a tiny bit can be poured out before you can grab the cup and take it away until Ezri is in a better mood.

If Ezri just thinks it is fun, how about setting up a session at the kitchen sink with cups to pour with, and an explanation that this is where we can pour water, but not on the carpet might work.

I mostly find that these behaviours come out when they are feeling neglected or have some sort of discomfort that they haven't expressed. It can be tiredness, but also hunger or a need to poo that you can't always tell by looking at them. At those times it is a matter of dealing with those needs.

If these behaviours are coming out after they have had a hard day with lots of telling off, usually gentle sitting on laps and reading books with lots of cuddles can curb it. Also helping them to get it out by throwing frustration on something that is more harmless, like kicking a ball will help.

Linda.

[Rinelle]

Thanks Linda. Now you mention it, she's fascinated with pouring and tiping at the moment, does it the whole time she's in the bath, so maybe it's just that, LOL.

Although I'm pretty stressed at the moment too, so she could also be picking up on that.

You've given me a couple of things to think about though, thank you.