Time to Share the Story (Really Long!)

[Maple]

I don't know why I've not been able to do this before but for whatever reason, I haven't been ready to do this but it has helped enormously to write this down.


I believe that my birth story starts when I was 39 weeks pregnant for two reasons. Firstly this is when I began to have regular tightening on and off and this is also when I began to experience the first fears ever so subtly placed upon me by just about everyone around me.

At my 39 week check up we were sitting in a room at the BC and my midwife had just checked on my baby, vertex, anterior, 1/5 engaged, all well. Then we sat and talked for a bit and she thought it would be a good idea to discuss the possibility of shoulder dystocia with me. She told me it was clear that I had a large baby on the way and this was something I needed to know about, also explained the position that I would have to get into to give birth, were it to arise and that the emergency button would be pressed and lots of people would come into the room. The first of the fears sank in.

At 40 weeks, midwife visited me at home. Checked on baby, vertex, anterior, 2/5 engaged, all well. We sat and talked and she asked me about my mother’s birth experiences. I told her I was an emergency CS as when she arrived in hospital they broke her waters and they were green so she was given an emergency CS without even labouring. They later told her that her pelvis was too small and my brother was an ERC. Both of us were largish babies. My midwife nodded knowingly, more fear sank in.

At 41w I had a CTG done. It was a very reassuring trace, nothing to worry about, baby is now anterior, 2/5 engaged. I had my first internal exam and they said my cervix was soft and 1cm dilated, all well. Midwife discussed induction with me, fear increasing. The tightening is beginning to wake me and at times, take my breath away. They continue daily.

At 41w2d I was seen again and another CTG, again very reassuring. Baby is still anterior but now 3/5 engaged. I had another exam, I was now 1.5cm dilated and I was given a strip & stretch. Told it would be best if I had an ultrasound to check on placenta and fluid levels. Had it explained to me what happens when the placenta breaks down and there is not enough fluid. No longer is fear just creeping around, I am getting outright scared. Still I turn down induction and opt for the ultrasound.

At 41w, 3d I have an acupuncture treatment. The acupuncturist asks me when I lie down if I am having twins! I politely reply no, only one. She was also a midwife and can tell that my baby was not properly engaged, she said that acupuncture is very effective when the baby is engaged but not so much in my case. The treatment brings on some very strong contractions but nothing more. She again reminds me how big my baby is.

At 41w5d I go back for my ultrasound results. Everything looks great, heaps of fluid, excellent function and flow from the placenta. CTG again great, baby is anterior but come back up a bit, now only 2/5 engaged. The obstetric registrar is brought in to see me, hospital policy and all that. She looks through all the test results, checks my belly and proceeds to tell me that I have a very big baby and that to stay pregnant any longer is dangerous (her exact words) for both my baby and me. She said she wanted to send me upstairs for induction immediately. I refused, she shook her head, signed some papers and left the room. I agreed to another exam, I am now 50% effaced, cervix very soft and 2cm dilated. I cry a little and go home.

At 7.20 on the evening of 41w6d my waters broke suddenly and copiously on the couch at home. Midwife came to see me at home and told me to stay at home as long as I could, but I was finally in labour and without induction! I laboured quietly and very relaxed until 2am when I got scared that it was taking so long and nothing was really happening so we phoned our midwife who said to come in. My midwife met me at the door and then informed me that because I had reached 42 weeks (by 2 hours!) I had to labour in Delivery Suite and not the BC. No one had prepared me for this and I was really upset. Then I was told that because I was 42 weeks that I would have to wear the belt monitor for the entire labour.

I went in way too early. I laboured some more, on the birth ball, on a chair on the toilet, in the shower. At 4.30am I was examined and still only 60% effaced and 2cm dilated. I asked for some pain relief but then managed to talk myself out of it. At 7.30am I was offered pethidine to “help me relax”, exam showed I was now 90% effaced and 3cm dilated. I then sat back in a recliner for ages (I don’t know how long, the pethidine really confused me). It was in this position that I’m sure my baby turned. She was now posterior and I was in great pain in my lower back. They examined me again at 10.30am, 90% effaced, 4 cm dilated. They told me it would be best for me to have IV fluids as I had been vomiting and while they were at it best if I had some Syntocinon to speed things along. My spirit was broken, I hadn’t slept in 24 hours, couldn’t eat or drink and had been in labour for 15 hours, the contractions had been 3min apart and around a minute long for the last 8 hours. I caved in and agreed.

Well, didn’t I lose the plot when the synto kicked in. By 12.30 pm I was asking for an epidural, my biggest fear. Midwife suggested the bath, I was allowed to get in for a while and it helped so much. But then they said I had to get out to put the monitor back on. To give credit where it’s due the midwife that had taken over was fantastic and talked me out of epidural for another 2 hours but by 3pm I was adamant I wanted it and demanded that they turned the synto off, which surprisingly they did. They suggested another exam before the epidural in case I was close but I hadn’t budged. I am sure it was the distress of the suddenly way too painful labour and horrible feeling of being tethered to machines and watched like a kettle they were waiting to see boil. So after 3 hours on synto I was still 4cm and my baby was still posterior. Also interesting was that my labour all but stopped when the drip was turned off, it was like my body had given up doing anything on it’s own.

Then the anaesthetist came in and told me that my blood was showing an elevated white cell count (which apparently is quite normal in labour) and that this could mean that if I was sick or had a low grade infection it could increase my risk of a spinal abscess from the epidural and she would have to wait for permission from her superior to administer one. We waited, he agreed to let her go ahead but only if I agreed to a massive dose of IV antibiotics, what else could I do but agree, I was in a trance. After two attempts she finally got my epidural in. I am now hooked to a CTG monitor pounding my baby’s heartbeat across the room, an IV drip and an epidural pump.

I had the epidural at 3.30pm and immediately fell asleep. My husband said I snored for an hour and a half. I woke to the feeling of pressure, like I had to go to the toilet. I asked my husband to get the midwife. She came in and said she would examine me. Everyone was shocked to see that in an hour and a half I had gone to 10cm, my baby was finally fully engaged and had turned back to anterior (I had insisted on lying on my side to try to help this happen). I was thrilled, it was 5.30pm but I still didn’t feel like pushing so I rested a little more. At 7pm I began to push, she was on her way out. I used a mirror to help me see where to push, I still couldn’t feel what I was doing and was flat on my back, numb from the waist down. Her head became visible and I was so excited. Then the midwife told me that her heartbeat was a bit erratic and the obstetrician on duty would need to come in and check us out. She did so and said that my baby needed to come out. She suggested an assisted delivery and I agreed, I just wanted it to be over and hold my baby. I had been listening to her heartbeat ringing in my ears from the monitor for 19 hours.

I was prepared for a ventouse-assisted delivery. This bit is blurry, lots of people came into the room, the lights were turned up bright, and my feet went into stirrups and two nurses held my legs up to my chest. I pushed and they pulled and my little girl was born at 7.55pm, nearly 25 hours after starting my labour. I suffered a tear, they pulled her out so quickly.

She was placed briefly on my chest then whisked away for oxygen. Then they gave her to my husband who held her in a blanket and continued giving her the oxygen by my side while they stitched me up. She was 4.5kg or 9lb, 15oz. I shook uncontrollably as my legs slowly came back to life and then I had her on my chest and she latched on to my breast perfectly. All of a sudden everything seemed perfect. Then a doctor came in and explained to me that it was hospital policy to take blood from all infants over 4kg due to the possibility of low blood sugar as a result of untreated gestational diabetes. He reminded me that I had declined the glucose test in pregnancy and because of this there was even more reason to test my daughter. I actually never even thought of saying no. They took her over to the warmer and heel pricked her, I heard her scream and it hurt me inside like I could never have imagined. And of course her blood sugar was fine. During my labour I saw and dealt with 3 doctors (including the one who had told me it was dangerous to stay pregnant any longer wearing her I told you so face), 3 midwives, 3 extra midwives that came in to assist the birth, the anaesthetist and 4 medical students. There was a student watching me be stitched up with such great intent, I’m surprised he wasn’t taking photos or notes!

Then we were taken downstairs to post natal for the night and it was horrendous. I was told that it was further policy with big babies that they nurse every three hours to prevent a drop in blood sugar. I nodded and then all three of us fell asleep after an incredible ordeal. What seemed like five minutes later we were woken by a midwife who said that my baby had to feed, it had been three hours. I was completely bewildered, we were all so tired. My husband woke up and then she put my baby on my chest. The tiny little girl was fast asleep and showed no interest in nursing so the midwife tapped her on the feet, the same bruised little foot they had taken the heel prick from. She cried but still tried to go back to sleep so then the midwife undressed her to down to her nappy to wake her, she stirred but still wanted to sleep. So she then hand expressed colostrum from me into a tiny syringe and pushed it down DD’s throat. “That should do her, now I’ll just take her temperature” (yet another policy every three hours after there being meconium at the birth). She then proceeded to shove her finger into my baby’s mouth to stop her crying while she found her thermometer. “Ok all done” she announced then left us with a screaming, upset baby and no idea what to do about it.

I tried to go home the next day but because there had been meconium present at birth they said it was policy for me to stay at least 48 hours. I said I really felt all was fine but they said to me if I left I would have to sign out against medical advice. More scare mongering, so I stayed. DH had to go home though.

On the second night DD cried and cried, I couldn’t cope, I was still so tired and worn down in spirit as well as body. A midwife came in and said, “Time for you to get some rest” and wheeled DD away. My biggest shame is that I felt relief when she did. I fell asleep immediately and have only just wondered in recent times what happened to her in that hour and a half. I guess I will never know. When they brought her back in, it was a new midwife I hadn’t seen before. She told me that DD would probably need another drink and I went to sit up. “No sweetie hasn’t anyone shown you how to feed lying down?” she said. She lay my daughter next to me and it was wonderful. DD drank and then fell asleep, I was in heaven and finally felt that I could be something for my daughter and silence her cries. She was still asleep next to me when the midwife came back in. I asked for her help to put DD back in the cot. She asked me if I would like to leave her there, I actually asked, “Is that allowed?” She smiled at me, pulled the sides of the bed up and told me to get some rest, bless her. We slept in bliss together for five full hours. In the morning I got up, got dressed and demanded to go home.

I only wish that I had been more of a mama bear for my daughter, I felt for a long time (and occasionally still do) that I failed to protect her. I suffered PND on and off for over a year and sometimes felt disconnected from her. I have no doubt that the damage done to us in our most important bonding hours (for no good medical reason) has been a major contributor to my depression.

I have debriefed several times with counsellors and with the hospital staff. They later told me they had been preparing the ob on duty for a c-section, they were going to let me sleep under the epidural for an hour or two then come in and tell me it was time for surgery. I shocked everyone by dilating 6cm in an hour or so. Writing this down has taken nearly two years and I can’t begin to express how much lighter I feel to have shared it all including our postnatal treatment. I have told the summary of the birth story many times and had empty replies like, “oh well at least you are both healthy” and “at least you didn’t have a ceaser”. Whilst I am grateful for these things, being grateful for them will never replace what I did lose.

I thank you all for reading.

[Viola]

Wow! What a difficult birth you had! Sometimes I get so angry at the medical establishment. They shouldn't have done that to you.

I hope you can continue to heal.

Viola

[Eilleen]

What an emotional and physically exhausting experience you had. ((hugs)).

And yaaay for that second midwife! I'm glad she gave you back some of the spirit that you've lost. We really need more people like her.

[evesmum]

Wow this sounds so scarily familiar.

I deeply and honestly sympathise with your experience and thank you for sharing so openly.

[mammadyl]

Maple - thankyou for sharing. I too hope that writing it down helps you to continue healing.

[**Sara**]

Maple - thankyou so much for sharing - you didn't fail your daughter - the system failed you both, I hope you can keep healing - many hugs to you.

[~jane~]

Maple, what an ordeal for both you and your daughter. I don't have any words of wisdom myself but this quote springs to mind (not sure where from) " I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better I will do better".

Thank you for sharing your story.

[mama_bel]

What a beautiful, heartfelt birth story. Thank you so much for sharing with us all. Hugs to you on your healing journey.

[MammaRocks]

Thank you for sharing your birth story. I could feel your pain while I read it because a lot of your experience was similar to mine with DS1's labour.
Good on you for standing up for yourself and refusing an induction, and insisting on laying on your side while you had the epidural in, you obviously knew what needed to be done. I also loved reading about the second midwife, if only there were more wonderful women focussed (as opposed to policy focussed) hospital staff.

[mummabare]

I wish you well on your healing journey. You are a mamma bear...a georgous one.

xxx