2nd birthday today-birthstory.

[gumbymumma]

Well today is my daughter's second birthday and I am in mixed emotions, I am really excited that it is her birthday and we have made it to two etc, but keep remembering her birth and it saddens me.

Before T was born, I was told that I would never have kids after I miscarried once. When I got pregnant, I was ecstatic, but was told I wouldnt go to term anyway, so didnt want to get my hopes up, didnt research anything, wasnt really ready for a baby. Then we got to 30 weeks and i was convinced something was going to go wrong, but at least by this stage, we were materially ready for the baby to come home. Idid not know any different but to have babies in the hospital. Very uneducated, yes, but like I say, I thought I was not meant to have kids.

During the pregnancy, I got horrific braxton hicks and toddled off to the hospital about three times convinced that THIS time was the one, each time we were sent home again. Anyway, on the 14th Sept, my waters broke, so off to hospital we went again, only to be told that nope, it was only hind waters, go home. By this stage I was convinced my baby would die, so when on the 18th, more water came out and I was asked if I wanted to wait it out or be induced, I chose the induction. I just wanted it over, I wanted to see my baby and see that she was alive and well.

That day was horrible, I was hooked up to drips all day, on my back with a posterior baby. Contractions were not regular, so the drip kept getting turned up, but my cervix was not opening.I didnt know any different, I thought this was the way, I was being told that where I was saying it hurt in my back wasnt hurting and my husband told not to massage there, but somewhere completely different. I knew I didnt want any drugs during my labour, but I was in SOOO much pain , the epidural went in. The whole time I was being told that everything was fine, but how could I be when they wouldnt even take the baby monitors off for me to go to the toilet.

At about 6.15 pm, they finally let me go to the toilet. I had made 2cm progress in 12 hours, so they took all my contraptions and me, and off to the toilet we went... and they left me there. Had I done this whole birthing thing previously, I would have known that it was time to push, but I was so petrified, and depressed,and convinced that my baby was going to be ill, that I wasnt thinking straight and all I KNEW was that
I was 2cm dilated and I was being ripped in two from just going to the toilet, so when the time came to finally give birth, I was going to be in even more pain. Then the midwife FINALLY came back to me, I told her what was happening, she said, no, you cant have dilated enough yet, you cant push. So I tried, but the urge to push was there, so I was carted back to bed, put on my back again, an internal was done and I was allowed to push. (even though I already was) Within a minute, I felt a big movement inside me (baby turning around) and she was born 11 minutes later. Healthy and beautiful.. but the birth had taken away all my control, I didnt know what I was doing and I had a GINORMOUS haematoma and 3rd degree tears, and my milk didn’t come in till day 5 but because my breasts were huge already, all the midwives were telling me it had and my baby wasn’t feeding properly etc etc. I even had one midwife shoo all my family out of my room and tell me to express NOW and if I didn’t I couldn’t go home.

It makes me cringe now that I know there is a better way, and cringe again when I think that I gave birth again without finding it first.

Now she is two and she is beautiful! (Hissy fits aside of course!) It realy makes me mad that my pregnancy and her birth made me so depressed that I basically missed the first year of her life. I was one of “those” mothers. Couldn’t cope, went back to work, put my daughter in daycare, and was so traumatized by the whole ordeal that we had another baby “right then” cos if we didn’t I would build such a block in my head that we would never have another child.

Now I have found a little place where I fit in a bit, I have found the information that I wish I had before my kids were born and I want to thank you all.

[spiralgirl]

Happy Bday to your daughter! ( If my baby is a girl they will share the same name with different spelling!!)

All I can say is hugs to you about your birth...really you did what you thought was best at the time, you wanted to have a happy and healthy baby, and yes, maybe you would do things differently now, and wish you could change it, but you did what you did through love, and that child is so blessed to have a mama that loves her so much. I know it must be hard, but try to forgive for the past and embrace the present.

may today be beautiful for you
xoxo