Toddlers at a labour, can it be traumatic?

[lucky_mummy]

!5 months after Kai's birth, I had an interesting conversation with Lilyana at 3am this morning.

Since his birth, she was 2.75, and she hit those 'terrible twos' in a big way. I thought it was the birth, and my lack of patience after it, but she said something else last night to make me think.

She lost her dummy last night, and woke up screaming for it, I have been puzzled over her absolute addiction to it at nearly 4yo. Anyway, dummy found, sent hubby up to bed, and sat on the couch for a talk and cuddle. I asked what she was so upset about, and she said 'I was worried that you would scream ouch'.

I asked more, and discovered it all linked back to when I was in labour with Kai.

We kept Lil in the house, and brought her downstairs for when he was about ready to meet us. We thought it was all wonderful. But after our conversation last night, I am wondering how traumatic it actually was for her. I am wondering whether thest terrible twos were also helped on by her worrying about hearing me scream (believe me I was a banchee in labour, fell to bits, pathetic, lol, something I am working through before I get pregnant again), whether it has made her feel a bit insecure.

Has anybody had a similar experience or read anything about it?

Linda.

[kadownie]

Hmm- I didn't birth at home, but my dd was awake for most of my labour- I lost it too- growling, crying all of the normal labour/tranistion pushing things...

I don't think it was traumatic for her- we had discussed it alot before birth, read lots of homebirth stories, watched births on tv and you tube..

she had obviously discussed it with her twin brother (who was asleep through the yelling..) as he was asking me the next day if I was ok after 'crying on the toilet'.

They do talk about my labour often, but it seems to always be in a good way.

My little girl is also completely addicted to her dummy..

[hanabi]

We put a lot of preparation into the children prior to the birth so they wouldn't be alarmed by my noises or yelling or the blood and none of them (aged two to five at the time) had any negative reflections on the birth at all.

We prepared them by reading Hello Baby and retelling their own birth stories (with dramatic sound effects) as bed time stories in the lead up to Mira's birth.

My two year old proceeded to recount his own perception of his sister's birth at the dinner table for many weeks after; "Mummy, poo baby!" Hmm, thanks for dinner!

[lucky_mummy]

Yeah, we watched home births, told her there would be lots of blood and I might scream. She even re inacted my face cutely after the birth.

I didn't think it was bothering her, but something has for over a year now, it has been makig her feel a bit insecure. And it was such an honest talk she had with me. But I know sometimes toddlers are in such a dreamland, even during the day, they will say things they totally don't mean, and forget what they have said, and come up with all sorts of imaginings. I just thought I would ask in case it did seem valid. Guess all I can do is talk to her about it a bit more and comfort her if she does seem worried about it perhaps.

Linda.

[Susan]

That's interesting Linda. I would trust your sense of what is going on for your little one. Is it possible to allow her the opportunity to process what she needs to herself. Maybe you could do this through play rather than language. Would it be possible to provide the opportunity for her to play birth? She could lead her play and you possibly be a part. Or maybe she may want to be the mummy. Might be an opportunity for her to explore and reconcile her experience.

[Marmee]

Haven't experienced what you have as our children, who we expected to have with us during labour with baby no.3, and prepared as best we knew how....slept through the whole thing!

I agree with Susan - allowing her time to work through the experience, to feel what she needs to feel and to feel supported by you. Personally, I wouldn't "brush this one aside". Give it some energy and time. Role playing sounds brilliant

[kadownie]

I agree Susan, using play can be a real insight into how our kids think/feel- I might even try doing that with my two- and see what comes out..

[meitaimama]

This is an interesting issue as all the articles I've read say that chidren aren't freaked nout by the experience.... but I'm still not sure whether my dd would be disturbed by me being in pain. I was thinking that she would love to see her sibling born, but she got very angry with me the other day when I was sick with a bad bout of gastro....

[Noodles]

Maybe you could modify some of the ideas from "Birthing Within" to get her to express her feelings a bit more and give you an idea as to what her lasting impressions were? Get her to draw a picture of her sibling being born or shape it out of play dough or something.
And I wouldn't get too hung up about how other kids react to seeing birth. If 100 kids saw a birth and 99 were fine that doesn't invalidate the feelings of the 1 who was troubled by it. And it might be something you never expected as well eg she might have been fine with the birth but couldn't see you very well, or there were people she didn't know in the room, and that upset her - iykwim.

[Susan]

Interesting discussion. Children's play is their work and is often so insightful into the way they see the world. Likewise, I agree, artwork, sand play, clay... the list of mediums goes on. Many year ago when I worked as a social worker, we used these methods as so called "therapy". Puppets were also another great medium.

If 100 kids saw a birth and 99 were fine that doesn't invalidate the feelings of the 1 who was troubled by it. And it might be something you never expected as well eg she might have been fine with the birth but couldn't see you very well, or there were people she didn't know in the room, and that upset her - iykwim.

Good point! Who knows what the experience may have triggered. It is very possible that is something we (as adults) may never consider.

Love to hear how you go Linda.