Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

[Unsuremum]

Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Hi. This is my first time here. My daughter is 10 and a half. She is going through pre puberty and I'm not sure how to go about it. She gets angry and crys about nothing, is rude and ignores me or doesn't do what she is asked. She isn't like this all the time so how do I go about disciplining her when at other times she is just downright naughty for no reason? I can't just let her get away with everything but I can understand how she feels when her hormones are changing. Does anyone have any advice. I know not everything will work for everyone but I will try different things to make life easier. I so can wait for her to actually start her periods, it is going to be a nightmare.

[Purly]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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My daughters are only 5 and 3 but I do have an 11 year old niece and have been watching the way her father and step Mum have been walking through this time with her.

Have you been talking openly with her at times when she is receptive about what is going on with her body and what an emotionally intense time it is? That is something that my brother reports has been a big help with his daughter. Things still get quite nasty at times, but my brother says that taking that time to connect has really helped the whole family.

If you remember what that time was like for you, maybe if you have relatives around who can help you fill in both sides of the story, you can communicate that with your daughter as well.

Again I have not personally been there on the Mum side, but just throwing a few ideas out there.

Thinking about my own childhood, my mother and I never spoke about what was going on before, during or after I went through puberty and I think that there was a lot of opportunity to cement the new adult phase of our relationship that was lost at that time.

[Unsuremum]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Yes I do talk to her about what is going on. She knows that she will get her periods every month and that it happens to all females at some stage. Nothing can be done about it except to accept that it is happening.

I have spoken to her about punishing her and that she can't use that time of the month as an excuse to misbehave.

I can't remember what that time was for me except that my mother didn't speak to me about any of it. The only thing she asked was "are you using those things yet?" because she had put some in my draw and as she asked she pointed at the draw. Nothing else was said.

I am more open about this with my daughter.

Thanks for your reply and advice. I can only try and sometimes she is SOOOO trying.

[niki01]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Your not alone im going through exactly the same thing, we also have problems with making friends at school and getting along with them, which i dont hold my daughter totally responsible for, kids are tough at this ages especially girls. Im a bit lost with this at the moment, but am always one to try to move forward. Iv booked in to see a parenting skills councellor, just to improve my skills in dealling with tough situations and become more aware, anything to avoid a yelling match. Iv had to put a job list on the fridge which spells out her responsibilities ( hang up your uniform, time homework is started, show me newsletters and put your lunch box in the kitchen) simple stuff really but anything to save arguements, i also gave her a chore list for the weekend which includes helping me cook or folding clothes , making her bed. Im a pretty relaxed mum but i feel she needs some structure and a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. Its a battle sometimes but she smiles when i tell her she has been a great help to her family.I find a decent bed time is important and i read with her before she goes to sleep. A few mornings this month she has just had tearful meltdowns and begged for a day of school and has gone back to bed to sleep ? we make times where i let her tell me all the things i do wrong and we talk about it. But i think the biggest challenge for me is the new way i have to communicate now with this young lady and not my baby girl. When am i authoritive mum or friend ? sorry not much advice just my story but hope sharing it help . i know i was happy to see your post. Best of luck.

[niki01]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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in the same boat

[Temple]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Perhaps exploring ways to make what is happening a more postive experience for her? making reaching puberty more of a celebration than something that just has to be put up with might help her view herself and her body in a more positive way and she might be able to handle what is going on better. It is a difficult time for children sometimes I know(my DD is only 7, but my two younger sisters are just reaching the end of puberty now lol).

She is also old enough now to talk about how she handles her emotions and how she reacts to different situations - perhaps showing her ways she can express her anger/frustration/being upset that are more effective for her and less upsetting for the household would help too.

[ENR]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Temple, making it a positive experience is great thing to do. I can remember being 13 and coming home from school because I had cramps and my mother talking to me about it and asking if it was happening once a month. I got really annoyed every time she mentioned it because to me it was a negative thing and something I didn't want. She was into using scare tactics to make me behave a certain way so I can remember her telling me that when my sister got her period it was because she was trying to grow up too fast by watching M movies and thinking sexual. I'm sure she thought she was doing the right thing by doing this but it scared me so much.

I didn't get my period for another 2 years but when I did I was way too scared to tell her and when I did I was crying so hard. When I told her she gave me a big hug and kept telling me how great it was and how I was growing up and I was so confused! I had always been lead to believe that growing up was something I did not want until I was 16 because that is when my mum got her period and I thought anything before then was abnormal and wrong. I was almost 15 and I kept wondering what I had done to bring it on and why it couldn't just wait a year. I am so glad I now know that it was completly wrong.

Knowing how to handle emotions is a great lesson that is very beneficial. I love this article:The Best Kind Of Child Time Out Is Their Own
It talks about teaching children that they can handle themselves without misbehaving but by taking themselves away and doing something that is relevant to them.

[Susan]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Can I recommend a wonderful book called A Blessing Not a Curse - A Mother Daughter Guide to the Transition from Child to Woman by Jane Bennett. It is full of fantastic ideas to help celebrate menarche and navigate a positive path through this transition time. I love this book - it is one of my all time favourites. Jane is a fantastic woman and does loads to help support women of all ages celebrate and understand and take responsibility for their bodies.

Having recently attended a menarche circle for a young woman I can certainly vouche for it being a fantastic way to support young women and acknowledge them in their journey to womanhood. I think it is very important for young people to have positive, powerful rite of passages that allow them to feel supported by experienced women (and men) and affirm who they are and want to be. What a great opportunity to really get alongside our young people and make a life long difference.

[pillytoosh]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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I have that book too for # 3 who is 11 now. I remember back to my time, and all I have to say about that is, I am not treating my daughter the way my mother treated me.
I am open with her about her body changes and what to expect. As soon as her moodiness/snaps started to appear last year I took action. I started walking with her each morning before breakfast, just the 2 of us. I make sure that our conversations are light hearted and about anything. I never try to quiz her on anything, but more tell about when I was young, I make it a little self effacing, after a giggle she starts to open up. She looks forward to our walks each morning, even now in winter. I get a hug & a kiss when we get back, she goes off to get ready for school. After school she is a little bit "kidzilla", I ignore that. If she goes directly to her room,after a while I bring her something to drink & eat and just do so with a wink & a kiss. I have noticed now that she comes out and starts helping me with the housework, more on the chance of talk.
Yesterday she told me I was the best mum in the world, cause all the other girls have real bitches of mums
I think I am on track, lets see in a year!
Proud stand alone mum of 5

[Purly]

Re: Mum needs help with pre puberty daughter

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Your morning walk sounds like a lovely idea. What a nice way to make that connection without pressure.